A Hard Day

Spring has come in full force lately and it is absolutely beautiful outside. Birds sing in the early mornings and crickets and frogs sing for us in the evenings. The warmth and sunshine should make for better days, but when grief haunts you day and night...you never know when what should be a beautiful and happy day will turn to a sad and lonely day. 

Today was Tristan's last day of high school. He came to my room several times today and the first time he came by we took a picture together. I of course began crying. I cannot believe he is about to graduate and that his dad isn't going to be here to see it. It breaks my heart. 

I smiled for lots of pictures today not only with Tristan, but with several of the other seniors, as they have all been my students for years. 

I faked those smiles while literally my stomach churned all day with nerves. It has been a while since I had an alone moment to go talk to my husband. Conner isn't ready to return to the grave, so I do not have very many opportunities to go alone. My sister went with Conner on his field trip today so she was able to take him home with her afterward. This gave me time to go see Mike. 

On the road to the cemetery I began crying until I almost couldn't see the road in front of me. I yelled out loud at one point, "I just had you! And now you're gone...I just don't understand."

When I parked at the gate, I grabbed a handful of tissues and my blanket from under the truck seat. I slowly walked up the hill, across the freshly mowed grass toward where my husband rests. I spread the blanket and began crying and talking to Mike. I told him how much I miss him and how much I love him. I had a long one-sided conversation.

I hadn't seen it yet but when I arrived today his Marine Corps stone had arrived. I laid my hand on it and cried. I found myself running my hand across the engraved letters, feeling almost like touching it meant I was touching a part of him. 

I lowered myself to the blanket and closed my eyes while the warm Spring sunshine washed over me. I talked to my husband. I told him I love him and I miss him every single day. I held onto that stone and rubbed my hands across the letters over and over again. I cried until my eyes became swollen. 

Today should have been a day of celebration. A day to celebrate Tristan's last day of high school. A day to celebrate Conner's exciting field trip. A day to celebrate the beauty of Spring. Instead it was a day of grief, as usual.

I miss him more than words and hope that he can feel my love all the way to Heaven. 

I am #stillhis and love him more than words Now, Forever and Always times Infinity. 

Love,

Veronica