So much to say...

Conner and I just arrived home from our first vacation without Daddy.  It was a bittersweet moment for us; it was Conner's 11th birthday and his first trip to the ocean and beach, so it had some happiness and excitement.  But then on the other side of it, I wept every day for the absence of my husband.  

I watched the ocean waves every day and just wanted to sit there and not talk.  I just wanted to sit in silence, take in the waves and the wind, and do nothing but cry.  I usually waited until everyone was in bed, or it was just my mom and me on the beach.  I embarrassed myself at one point when I broke down in the middle of a crowded beach restaurant.  I had to quickly excuse myself and make my way out of the restaurant. 

Conner met me outside after he did the sweetest thing and bought me some earrings, that I didn't even know about.  I just hugged him and cried into his chest.  He held me close and told me it will be alright.  He always tells me that. He is so strong. 

While we were at the beach, I kept thinking that it was more of a couple place to visit.  It was nice for families, but it is so quiet and peaceful that Conner started to get bored as the days went on.  I kept imagining what Mike and I would do if it was us there. 

I imagined just Mike and me walking along the sand under the moonlit sky, with stars shining all around us.  I imagined walking around in downtown Apilachicola with just Mike beside me, his hand folded into mine and his left hand leading me into a nice restaurant.  I imagined just Mike and me going for pizza and beer.  I dreamed of just Mike and me relaxing in the beach chairs with the breeze blowing and the sun kissing our skin.  I imagined just Mike and me going inside the house after a long day on the beach, napping just long enough to get our energy back up for a date.  I imagined listening to the live band playing as just Mike looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman on Earth.  I imagined just Mike and me talking and laughing and spending quality time together. 

It was hard to be there without him.  It didn't matter that I was surrounded by family who loves us.  It didn't matter that the beach was full; I felt alone.  It didn't matter that I laughed loud...most of the laughs were to keep the tears away. 

I made memories with our little boy, but he struggled too.  He missed his dad building sandcastles with him.  He missed hearing his dad's laughter and seeing his smile. 

I thought of Mike often while driving the almost 14 hours there and back.  I remembered so many good, romantic things about him.  And so I spend my days imagining...

I can imagine sitting close to him with my hand on his right leg while he rests his chin on his left hand and steers with his right. I imagine Conner on the ranger behind or in front of us...Mike grinning at how much Conner has grown and how much of a little "man child" he is. I imagine the warmth of his body as I sit close to him, both of us dressed in faded jeans and flannel shirts. I imagine every once in a while him looking over to me and telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. I imagine us stealing a few kisses here and there and seeing Conner roll his eyes and shake his head when he caught us. I imagine old country music on the radio and me singing along, us jamming out when a really good old favorite comes on, like "Baby Got Her Bluejeans On".

I miss his notes that I would find taped to our front door. I miss his surprises when he would arrive home without me knowing and knock gently on the door. I miss everything about him.

I imagine our last date.  I made a romance playlist and of course Ed Sheeran was on there, Blake Shelton, and several others...he listened to me sing along to them as a serenade to him while he held my hand and grinned from the driver's seat of my truck. That last date was just a couple of weeks before he left. We went to dinner and to a movie but didn't even make it all the way through...Grandma was babysitting Conner so we left early to have more time just the two of us. 

I imagine how my husband flirted with me every day...he complimented me a million times a day...he held me a million times a day...he came up behind me and kissed my neck a million times a day...he told me he loved me a million times a day. He seemed so tough on the exterior...and trust me, he was. He was the absolute strongest, toughest, most hard working man I've ever known, but he was also the sweetest, most romantic man I've ever known either.

I have a note that I have carried in my wallet for 11 years now...he left it for me one morning when he left for work before I woke and it reads, "Hey Babe, just wanted to tell you that I love you and the baby." I was almost 7 months pregnant with our miracle. I hope that if nothing else good comes from you reading my posts about my heartache but also about my never ending love, that it is that you realize happiness in every day with your blessings...that you are grateful and thank The Lord for all you have...and that even if it seems you can't go on, you can't breathe, you can't heal and move forward--you can as long as you lean on God, family and friends. My family and friends have been countless since all this...my prayers have not once ceased or been filled with anger or questions. That doesn't make me perfect or even better than anyone else. It just makes me hope for this kind of faith for others.

I have so many more memories of the amazing love and life that we shared. 
I miss my husband...I still call him my husband...I still wear my wedding ring on my finger and his Marine Corps ring around my neck...I'm still Mike Hollis' wife.

Today, as I have done every single day since December 29, I will imagine. I will remember. I will praise The Lord for every.single.second. I had as Mike's wife.