A Letter From Heaven...

My heart aches yet again as I write this post.  It aches every day, but when it comes to my little boy, it shatters into tiny pieces all over again.  

Conner and I have both struggled with sleeping since Mike passed away.  There are many nights when Conner reaches for my hand, even while he sleeps.  I wake all hours of the night and then lay there wide awake worrying about bills and life in general, wondering what we would be doing right now and if Conner and I will "make it", and missing Mike until tears come and I flashback to both our wonderful memories and the most terrible day of my life.  It takes me hours to fall back to sleep and then I only doze.  I don't ever fully sleep.  I toss and turn, wake up crying, wake up sick to my stomach.  It's terrible. Conner tosses and turns all night long too and he wakes several times in the night now, where as in the beginning, he actually slept well.  His sleep habits are worsening.  

The other morning, in the early hours before daylight, Conner woke and reached for my hand again.  He said, "Mom, I had a bad dream."  He is going to be 11 in just a little more than a week, but his voice was like a tiny toddler's when he spoke.  I held his hand tightly and asked, "What was it bubba?"

He said, "Well, I dreamed about Dad.  In part of it we were on the four wheeler riding around and Dad was with me. When I looked over at the cows and turned back, he was gone."  My tears began, but I cried in silence.

Conner began to cry and then he said, "But that's not all.  The good part, well kind of good I guess, was that Dad wrote a letter from Heaven telling us what he would do if this hadn't all happened."  

My stomach sinks as I pen this for you, because it is so difficult to lose my husband, my best friend, my forever love.  But, the worst part in this whole mess of my life, is that I can't "fix it" for my little boy.  That's what moms are supposed to do, right?  "Fix it".  There is no "fixing this".  There is no relief, no magical cure, no counselor that automatically helps him heal, no steps passed it.  My son has lost his father, his best friend, his forever hero.  

So, for the past two days all I have thought about is what my husband would say if he were able to send our little boy a letter from Heaven. I sure do wish that I could send Mike a letter too, but here is what I imagine his letter might say.  

"Dear Conner,

Hey buddy, daddy sure does miss you and love you.  I'm sorry that I'm not there to be with you, son.  I hope you know that daddy never meant for any of this to happen.  I still can't believe it myself.  But I want you to know that I'm ok.  I'm doing great and can see you all the way up here from Heaven.  I get to talk to Grandpa Bob every day. We sit on a sunny hillside in the sunshine and talk and laugh all day long.  He sure wishes he could have met you.  Grandma Holly is up here too and she sure does like watching all of your adventures! You know who else wishes he could have met you?  Your Poppy Dave! He gets a kick out of you just as much as Grandma Holly does.  

So, there are some things I want to tell you son that I won't be able to in person.  I know we had lots of talks before I left, but I worry that you won't know what I wanted to tell you when you grow older.   

First, always respect and listen to your mom.  Daddy left her a big load and she is doing a good job trying to keep things together and going, but raising a rough little boy like you sure is tough for one momma to handle.  She is your rock, son, and she always will be. She was mine too.  Respect her.  Listen to her the FIRST time she says it.  Don't argue or yell with her.  Hug her lots every day because I miss being able to do that.  She's the best momma you will ever have, so please treat her like she deserves to be treated.

Second, you've got a lot of work cut out for you.  I sure do wish I had paid the farm off before I left so you could just work on it without having to worry about payments, but I didn't have time to do that. So, it's going to be hard work.  You're pretty young still so most of the work for now will be easy; Momma is going to have to do most of the big stuff, and she'll need some grown up help lots of times that you won't be able to do.  But when you do get big enough, be ready to work hard.  Make Daddy proud.  Take care of your cows.  Take care of the hay and the fences, and everything that comes with a farm.  But, if you grow one day to decide you don't want it, you don't have to do it.  I never forced your brother, so I won't force you.  I hope one day you appreciate what I tried to build for you there, but didn't get to finish.  I hope you see the beauty in the life of a new baby calf and the smell of fresh cut hay.  I hope you realize that was my dream.  To share that farm with you and your brother.  To one day be retired and sit on the front deck with your mom and watch you on that tractor in the hayfield, working hard and making me proud.  I sure do miss working with you.  You have always been a hard worker. 

Third, please keep doing good in school.  I am so proud of you for sticking with it even when you have been sad about me.  I know it's been tough, buddy, but you have so many friends and your teachers and everybody have been real nice this year.  You have stayed caught up with all your work and Momma told me about your last grade card! All A's and one B+!  That's so good, son.  I'm so proud of you. But, remember, you have a lot more years, so you keep at it. Remember when Daddy would tell you about some the grown ups I had to teach who didn't do good in school?  Well, it's a pain in rump, so you do good so you can go to college.  You focus on those grades because you'll regret it one day if you don't.  

Fourth, there's gonna be times when you get angry that I'm gone.  I think you're probably gonna be mad at me, at Mom, at God, at whoever you can.  Don't lose God, son, because I can tell you...even though I didn't go to church with you and Momma, I love God and he loves me and you.  Your faith in God, and especially the way you've kept that faith since all this happened, is so amazing to watch.  I hear you pray every day.  Sometimes it's at school, sometimes it's at home, and sometimes it's while driving in the truck.  Keep praying. Keep believing.  And keep going to church.  Don't ever go against your beliefs and your faith bub.  It's sometimes all you got.  

Fifth, girls.  Oh geez, did I have some stories I wanted to tell you when you get older.  Momma wouldn't have liked some of them! ha ha ha... Girls are awesome.  But, they are tricky too! Some of them are good and some are bad.  As much as I hate to admit it, your mom is right; she is the one who needs to give you relationship advice.  She was the best woman Daddy ever met.  She is the kind of woman I told you that you need to find one day, but not one day too soon.  Don't rush into anything with any girl, Conner, no matter how old you get.  But, if it feels right, and trust me, you'll know if it does, then go for it.  Don't hold back and be afraid of getting hurt.  If you fall in love like Daddy did with your momma, then you'll have butterflies in your stomach and you won't be able to quit grinning just at the thought of her.  You'll want to see her if even from a distance; you'll want to call her and hear her voice; you'll want to hold her hand and take her to your favorite places; you'll want to hold her tight and kiss her (I know, now you think it's gross, but when it's right and you're old enough, you won't); you'll want to build a life with her like Daddy did with Momma.  Don't ever hit a woman.  Ever.  Don't be mean to her and take your bad day out on her like I sometimes did your mom.  When you find the right one, she will be your rock.  She needs to be the one you slow dance with in the kitchen.  She needs to be the one you tell all your problems to.  She needs to be the one you run to, not from.  BUT, make sure Momma likes her too.  She will be the one that will kind of take the place of your mom in your life, so make it count.  Make sure she respects your mom.  Make sure she's a good one, son.  But another thing, don't let her run over you.  Don't let her push you away or treat you badly.  If she's any kind of a good woman, she won't, but I'm just warning you, there are some out there who will try to hurt you or get you one way or another.  Take your time to grow and have fun as a teenager and as a young man before you find "the one" and settle down.  

Finally, for now anyway, never doubt for one second how much I loved you on Earth and love you still in Heaven.  My gosh, the day you were born was one of the happiest days of my life.  You and your brother were so important to me. You two are the reason why I worked so hard.  I wanted to so badly to give you boys that farm one day.  I wanted to see you two as partners.  Both days you boys were born took my breath away.  You were so tiny and perfect and a gift to me and your mom.  I could have just sat and stared at you both for days.  Shoot, I did lots of times, just stare and watch you both.  You are so creative and imaginative, Conner.  You are so good at art and building things, and so many other things.  I love you more than any words that have ever been invented.  I would give anything to have not left you like I did.  I hope you know that.  I would have given anything to stay with you and to watch you grow and learn.  I would have given anything to see you become a dad one day.  I would give anything to hold you one more time, to hear "I Been Watching You" or "He's Mine" again and listen to you sing it to me.  My heart doesn't break every day up here like yours does down there, because in Heaven there is no sadness or pain, no sickness, no anything bad.  Daddy is happy.  But, that does not mean for one second that I forgot you or that I don't love you.  You are still my world.  You are still my little boy.  You are still my best friend.  So, talk to me.  Every day let me hear your voice.  I don't get to talk back, but I bet you can guess what I would say back.  

Well, I gotta go for now buddy.  Grandpa Bob has another story he wants to tell and I think Poppy Dave is gonna sit it on this one.  

You take care of yourself, Son, and of your mom.  Can you hug her and kiss her for me and tell her that I love her too?  Will you do the same for your brother?  Tell him how proud I am of him too and that I can't believe he's about to graduate?  Will you do that for me?  I miss you all so much, but remember, I'm not sad.  I'm not working today. I'm not lonely.  And you know what else?  I'm not ever leaving your heart.  I'm right there in your memories.  I'm in the sunshine and the spring flowers, I'm in the summer breezes and cool river, I'm in the fall colors that grace the farm with beauty and in the call of the turkeys, and I'm in the white sparkles of the snow as it falls to our farm.  I'm everywhere bubby and I will be with you forever.  

I love you, Conner, Now, Forever and Always times Infinity.  

Love, 

Daddy"