Today we are celebrating our boy's 11th birthday. I feel lost.
I brought Conner to the beach; mom, Amy and everyone is here with us. But I feel utterly alone and like it is taking every ounce of my being to keep from cracking.
He woke to the waves this morning and has been doing well so far. He cried once a little and so he and I rested under the shade of the canopy for a bit.
I'm trying to stay upbeat and laugh my hardest, and smile my widest, all while barely hanging on. 
I remember the day he was born, don't you? It seems like it was yesterday that we went to the hospital to be induced. Remember how we didn't decide on a middle named until the morning we left for the hospital? I'm happy that he has a part of poppy Dave and has his middle name, but I wish now more than ever that we had given him Michael as a middle name.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to celebrate all of his birthdays without you. Planning what gifts to buy him or what food to serve at the party has always been a team effort. Watching you smile and laugh and relax at his parties brought me such joy. The way you would come up behind me, kiss me on the shoulder and say, "hey babe...you did good. I think he's having fun, don't you?"
This year he didn't even want a party. He didn't want a dinner or anything organized with family and friends because he said it would just remind him that you're not here.
Everything reminds us that you are not here. Even though we've never been to this place with you, and there is no memory here of us, my gosh it does not help. I feel weird being here with my family...when the biggest part of my family is gone. I feel completely lonely even though we're surrounded by people who love us. I miss you and I know your little boy does.
I find myself listening to the crashing waves and wishing that I could just curl up next to you on a beach and close my eyes. Just take in the sound next to you. I find myself stopping every so often during the day and just talking to you, telling you how much I miss you.
It's just like this here--I search in my mind for moments full of you. I knew you so well that during everything we've done while here at the beach, I imagine the same situations and experiences but just with my husband. My best friend, my lover, my true love.
I will never move away from us. I hope you know that. I will always be your wife. The absolute best memories of my life have been made with you. I wish you were here to make memories with our little boy and me on his first trip to the ocean. You are with me in my mind, in everything.
Part of it is beautiful in that I still think of you in everything I do; part of it is gut wrenching. Part of me is gone. Part of me will never heal. Part of me will crack and not be able to hold on anymore. That part came out at dinner, in a crowded beach restaurant, with our table filled with our family. There was no stopping it. I had held it in as long as I could.
I can't wait until we can all reunite in Heaven one day and have the biggest birthday party of all for all the ones that will be missed here on Earth.
I have to go for now...our amazing son is calling me back to the waves.
I love you and miss you Now, Forever and Always times Infinity, Babe.
I am #stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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