Sometimes, God throws us some hills and mountains on the journey. Those make it difficult to go. They make it difficult to see the good on the other side. To see the good in what is happening right then. We are who we are before those mountains and hills and then we are who we are after.
Before Mike I was a young, divorced, insecure 23 year old. My divorce changed me. I had always been insecure in the way I looked. I had always feared the person I was with would not like me anymore and would go to someone else. I was jealous, worried, insecure, and often hateful as a defense to those fears. After my divorce, I realized it wasn't just my ex's fault. Yes, he did wrong...but so did I. I was too young when we married and we had been a couple since the summer I turned 13, so I think we just outgrew each other. But nonetheless, our divorce changed me.
I became even more worried and insecure than before. I thought that no one would ever want me if my own husband didn't. I literally thought I was going to die alone.
I know, I know...completely insane for a 23 year old girl to think that, no matter what the circumstance. So, for a few months I wallowed in self pity. Until after a few months when I had an epiphany.
I was not going to die alone.
I stood in my rental house bathroom and looked hard at myself in the mirror. I realized that I might not be Cindy Crawford, but I wasn't a dog either. I would eventually be ok and if someone were to call and ask me out, I would go.
Mike became that someone. He called me one October evening and changed my life forever. For the better. 
I fell in love with his voice from the first "Hey..." I fell in love with every part of him within a week...and he fell in love with me. He actually said it first, thank God, because I thought he would think I was insane for falling so fast.
Mike changed me. Before him, I was worried no one would want me. I was worried I would never find true happiness and real, grown up love, not the high school kind. Before Mike I never wanted to dress sexy; I always feared I would look stupid or fat in whatever and that it would just be a turn off.
Mike changed me. Before him, I never had real dreams for a future. Sure, my ex and I had talked about what it would be like when we were old, but I don't think either of us really believed it or meant it. We only fantasized about it and were too young to really commit to a dream and a life together.
Mike and I did it though. We had a dream together and we worked for that dream every day. We actually lived that beautiful dream for 13 years, 2 months, and 11 days. He changed me for the better.
I never trusted someone like I trusted Mike. I never believed in someone like I believed in Mike. I never cheered for someone so hard; never wanted someone so badly; never loved someone so fully.
And he made me feel like a whole new woman because he made me feel so beautiful even when I looked like crap. No makeup, unkempt hair...it didn't matter. He found me my most beautiful when dressed in my torn farm jeans, boots, and one of his flannel shirts. Makeup free, hair flying wild.
He had a way of making me feel sexy and beautiful without doubting myself. He had those eyes that pierced my soul with every smoldering look. He looked at me with pure love and what we called our forever look. We were in it, together, forever. It didn't matter what hills and mountains came our way, we were both determined to make it to the other side unscathed.
But he also had this other look of pure love and happiness and pride when he looked at one of his sons. That look always made me fall even deeper in love with Mike.
Before Mike, I was unsure of my future and after I met him and we fell in love with each other, I was less insecure and was more sure. I was so sure we were going to make it. All the way. All the way to sitting on the porch after retirement, watching our boys with their families. Watching grandkids play in the yard. Taking in each other in the quiet moments alone. Maybe even having a naked room...referencing Failure to Launch, a great movie. ;) I was safe with Mike. I was so sure no matter what, life was good.
And now. What about now? I don't feel like I'm in any kind of "after Mike" or that I ever will be. I do feel like an "after Mike died" though. My life will never be the same. My son's life will never be the same. My heart will never heal. My love will never fade for Mike or our life we shared for so many years.
After Mike died. That's so difficult to say, to write, to accept as reality. To move forward from.
Now, I'm a nervous wreck all the time. I'm back to my insecure self. I worry that I'll fail as a single mom. I worry that I'll always have to fake a smile. I worry I'll worry forever. Butterflies stir all day and night; I have the same dream over and over again...that he only left me for a while and that we reunite.
I literally have to grit my teeth most hours of the day to keep my cool, and sometimes I'm too weak and it breaks me. But I'm trying. I'm trying for our son.
I'm doing what I know would make Mike happy. I knew him better than anyone. We shared secrets and conversations that no one else was privy to. We told each other things that we dared not say aloud to anyone else. We were each other's forever. So now I smile, four and a half months after Mike died, mostly to fight the sadness. I fake being happy, being secure and sure. I fake confidence in what I'm doing. In reality, underneath the mask, I'm scared to death. I'm overwhelmed with farm, house, and life to-do lists. I cry at night, in the silence while Conner sleeps so that he won't hear me.
I wear his ring around my neck and his name on a heart above my own. I will forever.
I will Now, Forever and Always times Infinity be #stillhis.
I love you and miss you more than words, Babe. I'm still trying my hardest and doing my best. I hope you're still proud to have me as your wife.
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