Routines...

It's 6:00 and in the "normal" world, most families are settling in for the night to have dinner, watch tv, and talk about their days. At least that's what my family did before we lost Mike. 

Our evening dinners and talks usually began between 6-7:00, and consisted of many laughs, stories of the day, and plans for tomorrow. 

I'm completely baffled by not having a routine anymore. I honestly don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I have many things on both a farm and a house to-do list, but I find myself lacking the energy and motivation around this time every evening. I'm used to having my husband here at this time every evening. I'm used to riding through the farm checking cows after dinner. I'm used to sitting on the tailgate or in our front porch chairs he bought me for my birthday one year. I'm used to picking a movie to rent on satellite, making popcorn, and sitting close beside my husband. 

I don't know how to establish new routines for Conner and myself. I want to sit here on the porch and watch the cows like we used to, but the chair beside me is empty. I want to hop in an old farm truck and take a ride around the farm, but I don't want to be the one driving.

I want to just talk. Talk about nothing. Talk about everything. But I just find myself most often sitting in silence. Usually tears come before I go back inside and I just clench my jaw again. 

My cooking routine is completely out of whack. I don't cook very often anymore. Mike loved my cooking and I so loved cooking for him. He liked everything, except one time I tried a new recipe for chicken enchiladas and they came out green. Lol... We did NOT eat those! 

My laundry routine is different. I used to get so aggravated at the pile of grease and cow manure stained pants, but what I would give to have those in the hamper again. 

Routines. I don't know how to start new ones when I'm still so stuck in the old ones and so desperately wishing for them to return, along with my husband. I hate that part of our routine is now to go visit Mike. I hate that our visits are one-sided. I hate that his name is in stone. I hate that this happened to him, to us. 

How do I get to new routines that aren't so heartbreaking? 

I love you and miss you more than words, baby, and will now, forever and always times in infinity. 

I will forever be #stillhis.