My Son's Life Has Changed...

When Mike and I first began dating, we talked of having a child of our own one day.  He had a son from his previous marriage, but I did not have any children yet. I wanted nothing more than to become a mom and a wife.  

Being a step mom had been very trying.  It was actually something that almost caused Mike and I to end things before we ever married.  I have been a step-child my entire life, but never truly appreciated all that my step-parents had been through until I was going through them myself.  I had never treated my step-parents with disrespect; however, I do remember wanting to see both of my parents together and not a "substitute" or "replacement" parent...even though that logic is just ludicrous!  

A step-child is in such a difficult position; afraid to love the new person too much, for fear of hurting their parent.  New boundaries are formed.  They see their parent with someone who is essentially a stranger to them.  Jealousies arise.  Fears arise.  Anger moves in.  And then doubt on the part of the new "step" takes over.  I wanted to feel like a "real" parent.  I wanted to be loved unconditionally.  I wanted a child more than anything ever in my life.  

Early on in our relationship, I unexpectedly had some health issues that I feared would prevent us from having a baby of our own.  My doctor quickly took care of some pre-cancer cells and life went back to normal very soon.  My fears were assuaged.  We would have no problem conceiving.  

I'll never forget the day that we learned 100% that we were pregnant.  I had taken a few, well...4 actually...Dollar General generic brand tests two days in a row.  We had been married a little more than two months when one evening I took yet another one of my DG brand tests and asked Mike to look at the line.  Did he see a second pink line, just barely?  I thought I could, but was so worried that maybe it was just me wanting it so badly that I was imagining that second line.  We had been married a little more than two months.

Mike took a look at the stick and said, "Well, I think it's there, but if you buy a Dollar General test, you're gonna get a Dollar General result.  So, I think you need to drive to Wal-Mart in the morning and get a real test.You have to get groceries anyway."

My stepson Tristan had a soccer game the following morning, so I rose extra early and drove 45 miles to the nearest Wal-Mart and purchased a brand new Clear Blue Easy Digital test.  I bought groceries and then headed back.  I quickly unloaded groceries at home, and even though I was tempted to try the "real test" at home, I wanted to wait to take it with Mike present.  

I arrived in town and went straight to the soccer game.  We sat and watched, never bringing up the subject of the test, as we did not want anyone knowing anything until pregnancy was confirmed.  So, immediately following the game, as we were walking back to our vehicles, Mike asked me what the test said.  I told him I didn't take it and was waiting for him.  At the time we owned a small rent house in city limits and we were remodeling it.  We went to the house and I took the test.  Within seconds the word PREGNANT appeared on the tiny screen and I screamed with excitement and jumped into Mike's arms.  We hugged and kissed and I cried; he just smiled ear to ear and said, "I told you it would happen, baby.  I'm glad you're happy."  

Nine wonderful months later (yes, I actually LOVED being pregnant), we were blessed with our angel boy, Conner.  He was tiny and perfect in every way.  

Conner and I have had such a strong relationship since he was born because due to Mike's work schedule, we spent more time together.  However, I have never seen a little boy worship his daddy the way I would soon grow to watch Conner worship Mike.  

From the time Conner was big enough, he would go with Mike anywhere and everywhere allowed. He watched every move he made and would often mimic Daddy's movements.  I remember one year Conner had a wooden "work bench" with plastic tools and he would say "'erk Daddy, 'erk."  He just couldn't pronounce his W yet.  Conner would get in his little car and start pedaling himself into another room saying, "Bye Mommy, I gotta go to 'erk.  Be 'ight back."  He fell in love with his daddy very early on and Mike fell just as hard.  

Weekends I would do anything I could to take Conner to see Mike, wherever Mike might be working. We would pack lunch and bring it to him, and Conner would just be so elated that he would literally shine with happiness from his beautiful brown eyes just to get to spend time with Daddy.  

Mike would often arrive home so late that it would be Conner's bedtime.  Several times I caught Mike holding Conner closely and dancing and singing softly to him in the living room.  Mike would never sing for me, but he would sing so softly and slow dance with his tiny boy in his arms.  I know that he wished so much that he could do the same with Tristan, but we did not see Tristan very often.  We would beg for him to come, but he was so attached to his mom and family, and I know that he must have felt guilt at some points, that he often did not want to join us.  Mike struggled with that every single day.  I have watched my husband cry way too many times over the fact that he did not get to have a relationship with his oldest son the way he had a relationship with his youngest.  He loved Tristan with all his soul, just the same as he loved Conner, but he could not force a relationship.  

Mike's and Conner's relationship came so easy. There were several songs over the years that reminded us of Mike and Conner, and Conner would learn them word for word.  "I Been Watching You" and "He's Mine", both by Rodney Atkins, could not describe my husband and son any better. 

And now, my little boy has lost his hero.  He has lost his best friend.  He has lost his confidant and secret keeper.  He has lost the other part of his heart.  And I don't know how to fix it.  I struggle every day with how to make my little boy hurt less, but I just haven't found a way.  Early on Conner was my strength.  He was the one telling me, "It's gonna be ok Mommy...it's gonna be ok.  We have each other and God and we're going to get through this."  He told me this infinite times early on.

He was the one who held me the first days and weeks.  And now, even while holding him, I can't make it better.  I can't lessen the pain.  I can't mend the pieces.  And that kills me.  For months Conner wasn't able to make it a full week of school.  He would get so upset that he made himself vomit.  He suffered from headaches, but slept well.  He ate well and even played well.  He would laugh often and remind me of Daddy stories.

As Conner's birthday approaches, things are getting worse.  He does not sleep well at night.  He reaches for my hand even as he sleeps.  His appetite has lessened.  He suffers worse now from separation anxiety than he ever has.  He finally admitted to me the other day that, "I'm afraid the same thing is going to happen to you or to me."

He is so afraid and angry as well.  He fights me on so many things and then ends up crying and saying that he knows he takes his anger out on me, but he just wishes his dad were here.  He just needs his dad and it isn't fair.  We cry.  A lot now.  My son's life has changed.  He is a different child and I hate that his childhood has been ruined now.  I hate that he is so broken and hurt that I wonder if he will every really enjoy life again like he used to.  I know that I won't, so how can I expect that he will?

We pray.  We see grief counselors.  We talk about Mike when Conner wants to.  We do as many fun activities as we can, but I can't afford fun all of the time, or I'm too tired and sick from the lack of sleep these past four months, that I haven't the energy for fun.

I just hate this for my son.  More than I hate it for me.  I hate this for my son.

He is still his daddy's son and his daddy is still his hero, but I'm just a mom.  I'm not his dad and I never will be.  But what I will do is love him through all the anger, through all the sadness, through all the tears.  I will continue to raise him as a strong Christian boy and hope and pray that this terrible tragedy does not ever turn him against himself, God, or others.  I am doing my best, but every day I doubt myself.

I just wish Mike was here.  Then I didn't doubt.

I am #stillhis and will love him Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity.

Love,
Veronica