Four Months

When you were a little kid, did it seem like time was going to drag on forever?  Like, the school day for instance seemed to trickle by at a snail's pace.  Or, it seemed that a gazillion years would pass before Christmas arrived.  I'm not sure when that sense of time left me because now all it feels like is that the days are passing by so quickly that I cannot fathom how four months have passed without the love of my life beside me. 

I don't understand how four months have passed when I can still hear his voice in the kitchen asking, "You want a cup of coffee, babe?"

I don't understand how it has been four months since he kissed me just because, or wrapped his arms around me while we stood propped against the kitchen sink. 

I don't understand how four months have passed since I last held his hand while we sat on the couch and watched TV, really more focused on flirting with each other than on whatever was playing. 

I don't understand how it's been four months since he slept beside me in our bed and I heard his snoring, which I miss so much.

I don't understand how four months have flown by since we called or sent a million texts a day about work, people, Conner, or dinner plans. 

I can't believe it's been four months since I looked into his hazel eyes and knew he wanted me as badly as I wanted him. 

I can't believe it's been four months since I made that last phone call about chocolate chip muffins and last heard his voice. 

There are so many things about my life now that I do no understand.  So many "what ifs" or "I wish I had".  Not that I have any regrets about our marriage or what I would do differently with it, but the "what if I had begged him to stay home that day"...or "I wish I had called him just one more time" to check on him that day.

When you are a child, time passes at a glacial speed...you barely see it moving and it seems to take a lifetime just to get through the day.  Now my days fly by so quickly and they are adding up to a ridiculous amount of time.  It seems like only yesterday that I had him right here with me.  Right beside me, loving me, talking to me, sharing a life, a home and a dream with me.  He was mine and then I blinked my eyes and reality kicked me in the throat. 

It is a terrible reality, the tricks that time plays on us.  It feels like just seconds ago I was so happy.  I was safe.  I was secure.  I was sure of myself and of my future.  Now all of that has changed. I am not happy.  I do not feel safe.  I am unsure of every step I make.  He did all of that for me and now he is not here. 

The only thing that I can do after these four months to keep me sane, is to pray, pray, and pray some more.  I focus on the fact that my husband is in Heaven and one day my son and I will join him.  What a sweet reunion that will be. 

I miss you more than words, babe.  I miss every part of you.  I miss your soul knowing my soul so perfectly.  I miss your raspy voice.  I miss your calloused, but gentle hands. I miss the taste of your lips.  I miss the warmth of you next to me.  I miss you stomping through the house.  I miss your stubble that was turning grey.  I miss the smell of your work clothes.  I miss asking you what you want for dinner.  I miss slow dancing in the kitchen.  I miss trying to look beautiful just for you.  I miss laughing with you. I miss driving around and listening to old country or classic rock with you.  I miss being seen in public with you.  I miss your hand on the small of my back.  I miss your eyes and the gaze that could melt me every time.  I miss the future we had planned.  I miss our old stories.  I miss riding around on the farm with you.  I miss our secrets.  I miss our time together, just the two of us.  I miss our family trips, regardless how few and far between they were.  I miss your support.  I miss all of you. 

I love you more than words, Now, Forever and Always times Infinity.  #stillhis

Love,
Veronica