Every part of me wants to fall into my bed, hide under the covers, and just melt into nothingness. I think my little boy feels the same way. He texts me from the bath telling me he misses his dad. I text back that I miss him too but we just have to grit our teeth and force ourselves to go to school and work. It's a struggle every day.
I worry that some people think I don't want to be around them when they invite us and we don't go. It isn't that at all. It's literally hard to leave this house. Mondays are worse of course, as that is the day he was taken from us, but every day is a struggle. Every day I have butterflies. I just want them to go away.
I used to never be a nervous person to go out into my day. Never. I mean, it was life. I am an extrovert, or at least I used to be. I don't want to be anymore. I haven't the energy or the same smile as I used to have. Losing Mike zapped me of both.
So, I'm not sure when these butterflies will leave, when I'll feel any semblance of my old self. I'm not sure if I want to. I'm different now. I'm not the same without the love of my life.
I am #stillhis Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity.
Love,
Veronica
On some level, I am right where you are. Trying to hide from my grief, from my diagnosis, from my fear...if I never had to leave this house again I would be just fine with that. Although I would miss you--maybe we need to find a place someplace tropical and be hermits together? I love you. <3
ReplyDeleteIt would be so much easier to stay curled up in my blankets every day and just hide. :-( But I know that God has carried me these last four months and He will keep carrying me. So because He is working so hard for me, I'll continue working hard to get up and do what needs to be done. I know you are the exact same. I love you too.
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