The Front Porch Then and Now...

Used to when I sat on the front porch, it was usually with my husband beside me. We would listen to the crickets and whippoorwills sing. We would hear the frogs bellow and the cows chew grass. We would talk about our days, our dreams, our plans together. Front porch sitting used to have a positive connotation. 

I'm sitting on the front porch tonight and all the familiar sounds are dancing around me. Yet I'm miserable. I THINK I could still enjoy the sounds and the feeling of the cool evening air, just not THESE sounds and THIS cool evening air.They're  different. They're tainted.  They used to be Mike's and my sounds and evening air. Now they are all dark and sad and angry and lonely. The sounds don't bring me joy now. At all. They increase my sorrow.

Now during my front porch sitting I ponder my parenting skills; my widowhood badge that I wish I could return; my judgment; hell, even my sanity most times. 

I have a court appearance again next week. I'm still awaiting the close of the IRS audits. I'm feeling stressed from work and all the politics that really do dull the joy of teaching/principal-life. I feel overwhelmed at the tasks before me every day: raising our son, paying the bills, being a responsible adult when I really want to lay in the floor in the fetal position and have someone come take care of me for a change! 

I am scared. I am scared of failure. I'm scared to fail at being a solo mom; at being a good principal; at being a good friend/sister/daughter/aunt. I'm scared of being alone forever. I'm scared of being ok again and forgetting the sound of my husband's voice. I'm scared my son's anger toward me is only going to build over the years. I'm scared he's going to turn on me. I'm scared people are going to look at me with pitiful gazes if I stay here. I'm scared to move away, but I'm scared to stay. 

I'm scared that from here on out, no matter who I'm with or where I am or when it is...front porch sitting is forever tainted. I'm scared that I'm forever tainted. 

Widowhood SUCKS. Period. 

I miss Mike. I miss my husband and best friend.