Drink a Beer...

Yeah, I know, it's a song title. A very good song at that. But I'm not here to quote lyrics tonight. I'm here to tell you that if right now I could sit on the porch with my husband and drink a beer, I'd have so much to tell him. **Please do not think this post means I drink beer all the time or that I ever did.**

I imagine us in our youth, pre-Conner, when we would actually sit on our old deck on our old farm in Garwood, or ride around the old farm in the 'Yota or Jeep and drink a beer. We would talk and laugh and fall deeper in love everyday. 

Here's what I wish I could tell you over a beer tonight, baby. 

I got rehired as a HS principal tonight at our board meeting. I'm pretty excited about it and actually quite proud of myself, but it's difficult to be too happy because you aren't here to share it with. I've been working really hard; I still have much to learn, but am so humbled at the first opportunity that it still sometimes seems surreal that I'm where I am in my career. So to be asked to stay in my position for a while longer means I must be doing something right. I just wish so much I could hear you tell me you're proud. 

Our little boy is growing so much it's ridiculous! He's growing as a student at EC. He really does say he likes it better at our new school; he isn't picked on nearly as much. No one makes fun of him for being a "farmer boy" or for NOT choosing to play sports. He is so smart! He is still in Beta Club and made a great grade on his math and science tests today! I know you'd be so incredibly proud of him. 

He has made lots of new friends who love air soft wars just like he does! They don't care if he doesn't have name brand jeans or shoes; although luckily we did find some name brand shoes on sale the other day! Lol...

He left me a note tonight. Mom is staying the night since we knew my meeting would run late. Conner left the note atop my pillow with a set of pajamas and a phone charger. Of course he got in a plug about an expensive birthday present but who cares?! It's so sweet and adorable! 

He reminds me of you so stinkin' much! You were never much on the note writing thing, but you sure knew how to melt my heart and so does he! 

If we could sit and drink a beer right now I'd tell you how much I miss you and us. I can't believe it's 14 months next week and that I'm just supposed to keep moving right along with life. Don't get me wrong, I've arrived at the point where I'm ready to take steps forward, as I've said in my recent posts, but baby, I shouldn't HAVE TO! We should still be together. We should still have each other to hold and love, to laugh with and cry with, to kiss and marvel at. There are so many things we should still be doing. But God had other plans. 

I think God feels badly for what happens to good people; He doesn't ever mean for bad things to happen to good people, they just do. I think God cries when we cry; I think His heart breaks when ours breaks. I think God whispers to us all along the road of heartache and despair to just keep taking one step forward. To just keep breathing. To just keep believing that He will never forsake us, no matter what sucky stuff life throws our way. 

I sure wish you and I could talk about it. 

But for now, I'm going to close my eyes and try to sleep, thanking The Good Lord above for our son who left me that beautiful and perfect note; for the job opportunity I received last summer and for the extended offer to stay; for my 13 years beside you, and for so much more. 

I love you, Michael Richard Hollis, and if we could sit right now and drink a beer, I just bet we could solve all the world's problems. ;)

Love, NFAxI...

Your high school principal (FINALLY HUH?;) wife,

Veronica 

#stillhis with #anewlife

A Letter Sent to Heaven...

Hi Baby,

I needed to write to you today; I felt things bubbling inside me needing to get out. I miss you. I miss happiness and laughter and romance and so much more. 

Today I began working on changing your office into Conner's bedroom. It's much bigger than his room now. I remember you saying in the beginning of our move that you "kind of" felt bad for taking the biggest room. Lol... That feeling didn't last. . ;) 

As I pulled things from the office closet, including all your rifles, I had to take a minute and just stop. I rubbed the old wooden stocks of the guns from your younger years. The 30-30 lever action was my favorite. It's beautiful. You were proud of it. 

And then I continued pilfering through some old files and papers on a shelf behind your desk. I had looked at them multiple times over the past almost 14 months but could not bring myself to actually pull the papers from them and look. Today I did. 

No one but me ever knew how sentimental you actually were. Most people only saw the rough and gruff Mike. The workaholic who sometimes threw little, well no...big fits when something went wrong. In the folders on your shelf there were priceless treasures. I found letters from the boys and pictures from when your hair was silky black and the wrinkles hadn't gathered so pronounced. The boys were tiny in some of the pictures and I could tell from their handwriting that their letters and drawings were from many years ago. 

I found one from Conner that will be framed and will have its perfect place on his newly painted bedroom wall. 

He was 7 when he wrote this and now that he's 11, his dream hasn't changed. I showed him and we had a good cry. 

But I'm excited about what your office will look like once it becomes our little boy's room. We will have one wall wooden, the other's military green (not momma's choice), and your large map of the farm will rest centered above Conner's bed. I'm very excited about how it will look. Today we just accomplished the closet switch...no small task in itself since both closets were full! Lol... But we will keep working and you'll love it! 

I am trying to take steps forward, babe. Steps that would still make you proud. I want a future that is not filled with such heartache as my present. I want to laugh and love again. I want to raise our son in the light of The Lord and in love and happiness. I want him to learn that our inner strength only grows through our faith in God and in what He can deliver us from. 

And in all of my endeavors, I will take you with me. I'll never NOT be your wife. You'll never NOT be my husband or Conner's daddy. We love you and we miss you beyond any measure of this world. But we are ready to take that love with us on a new path of life. We are ready to add roads and turns and places of peace and warmth and happiness. 

You will be with us always. I love you so much and can't wait for you to see us grow from the tragedy that crushed us. You'll be proud baby. 

I hope the sun is shining on you and that you are proud of the steps we are taking every day. 

NFAxI

#stillhis with #anewlife

Love,

Veronica 

Another Valentine's Day...

I hate Valentine's Day. I guess I hate it because I'm alone now for VD. I never hated it before; Mike and I would go out for a date or have an at home date night where I cooked him steak and we slow danced in the kitchen. 

I bought my son a few ridiculously priced candies and an iTunes card for the occasion. He is happy; that is all that matters. 

I haven't posted in a while because I guess I feel torn. Most of my posts have been the desperation clawing its way from within me. The sadness and loneliness and anger needing an outlet. I've reached a turning point somehow. 

I'm not sure when exactly it happened or how...well, the how is because God finally said: 

 "ok, enough of this crap. You can do this and you're going to have to quit wrapping yourself in sadness! Focus! Snap out of it! You have a son to live for and he is more precious than anything or anyone else! Go have fun with him! Quit just laying in the house in your pajamas every chance you have. Get up and get dressed. Smile! LAUGH!!!! Go be with friends! DO things! Mike would. If you think he would have sat in that house for over a year, you are kidding yourself. I mean, seriously..you knew your husband better than anyone else. You guys even had this conversation before--dating again. You know he would. Number one, he could not have done all his jobs and raise your son alone. Number two, he would not enjoy being alone. It depressed him when he was alone before you. So, you're done just sitting there! GET UP!!! GO DO!!!! LIVE for crying out loud! Just because you do does not mean you don't still love and miss Mike. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad widow. It does not mean you will not think of him anymore, or that you have to stop wearing your wedding ring, or his flannel shirts to bed. Mike will always be your husband; that's how he left this world. But child, it's ok to breathe and to let yourself be open to new beginnings. I promise that I have you. I have Conner. You guys are so important to me and I'll never forsake you or lead your heart in a wrong direction. It's ok. Life is going to HAVE TO move forward. No, I didn't say you'll have to "get over it" because that I'm sorry, will never come. But you CAN "get ON with it"...and that means LIFE!!! Get on with life because I promise you that it's too short not to. I love you, child, so trust me. I'm the one talking to you and telling you it's ok to move forward even if it's teeny tiny steps. Remember your conversation with Mike on your first date? "I need baby steps, like seriously because I've never dated anyone before. I married my high school sweetheart, so I've only known being with him. So, I'm not sure what you expect, but I need baby steps." The two of you were in love in a week. Take baby steps, my daughter. But step back into life with your son strong by your side. You two go have adventures and make memories. I love you."

So, I hear Him. I've had a positivity flowing in my heart lately. My Instagram posts are more positive and cheerful. My demeanor with my son is more positive and cheerful. I actually went to my friend's house this weekend and had a mom's day out with no kids! It was awesome! It was good to talk with one of my oldest friends, just me and her. 

It was awesome to shop for Valentine's for our kids; I just ignored, well no I actually growled when walking by the husband cards. Grrrrrrr. Thanks hallmark, you're awesome. Lol... At least I can laugh about some things now! 

With all that being said, you will probably notice a difference in my posts and in the amount of posts. This is where the I'm torn thing comes in. This blog began with journaling the terrible tragedy of losing my husband of 11 years. It has shown you the deepest, most raw, agonizing pieces of my heart and soul. It has been dedicated to letting widows like me know their feelings of fear, inadequacy, desperation, anger, guilt, and all those other ugly emotions are VALID AND REAL AND PERFECTLY OK!!!! 

But I now think my posts might become more positive, telling of my son's and my adventures. Because as I said in an earlier post, I want us to go running to Mike and tell him how good we lived just so we have awesome things to tell him. What I want widows, well everyone, to know is that FINALLY seeing the light is also a completely valid feeling of widowhood and it's 250% ok to WANT to be happy again!!! But I will always be a widow, no matter what life brings down the road. I will always be Mike's wife, but it will be ok with him if I eventually become someone else's sweetheart too. Mike will understand and he will be proud of me. He and God will help send me someone who will be good for both me and our son. So, life anew is about to begin. Changes are coming and focus is coming and happiness filled with laughter and giggles and silly jokes and vacations to new places and all that good stuff a life well lived is made of is all coming. 

I have this and God has me. I can't go wrong. 

PS-- This DOES NOT mean  I'm open for date suggestions so DO NOT take it as a hint to set me up with anyone!!! Not gonna happen yet. In time my friends, in time. 

I love you and miss you NFAxI, baby. 

And thanks for whispering to God to fill my heart with a small dose of joy again that can only grow and grow and grow.

Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven from your wife and son. 

#stillhis with #newlife 

Love, 

Veronica  

Happy 46th in Heaven...

Hi baby,

I hope that the sunshine is warming your face and that the Angels are singing Happy Birthday to you today. I hope you are smiling and laughing with pure joy in your heart. I hope that your day is spent surrounded by peace and happiness. I hope that you feel our love every single second of every single day. I hope you grabbed your balloons from the sky and held them tightly in your hands, knowing we sent them with more love than could be imagined. 

We love you and miss you beyond any measure. 

Happy Birthday my husband. 

NFAxI

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica