Thursday, April 20, 2017

Grateful...

Last week I accepted a position to leave administration and return to teaching.
I made this decision after much deliberation and prayer.

For weeks, no months, I prayed to The Lord, "God, whatever is Your Will for our lives, whether that is a new job, a new house, a new town, whatever...please slap us in the face with it. If that is what we need for Conner to start doing better and healing, then we want to know.

I prayed that I could not do this on my own anymore. I can't make these tough decisions anymore all by myself, so I asked that I be slapped in the face, kicked in the throat, whatever method He needed to use, to let me know what the heck I'm supposed to do!!!

The reason I began this prayer and kept with it for months is because our son, our perfect little boy, is still so completely broken. His anxiety and depression has worsened in year two. His grades have slipped. His social interactions are very limited and almost completely nonexistent many days. He freaks out every time I have to leave for work, whether that is a game to travel to, a meeting off campus, or even sometimes a meeting on the opposite end of campus. His separation anxiety has increased a thousand fold this second year.

So, I feel that with leaving administration with its demands of my time, mental and emotional availability, and energy level, I can be more PRESENT for my son. He needs me. I don't think he will begin to heal until I can help him heal.

This decision has not been taken lightly.
I have shed many tears over it.
I have talked to my husband's stone many times about it.
I have discussed it with my family for months and sought advice; didn't follow all of it (sorry Mer).

But I know in my heart that God placed this decision upon me because He knows it's the right move, no matter how much I'll miss being the first female principal of my high school.

I have built so many meaningful relationships in my time at a East Carter.
I have worked diligently to try being the best principal my staff, my students, my building has ever seen.
I have tried my best.

I have laughed about work more times than I can't count!
I have cried about work more often that I wish I had.
I have talked to my husband about work, and wished so much he was here to talk me off the ledge many times!

But through it all, I have felt nothing but grateful and blessed. It's just that even though I felt blessed, Conner has not. He has regressed and so I must make this change for his well-being. God placed me there for a reason.
He helped me build my confidence in my abilities to lead a building.
He helped me influence a few kids along the way. (MOSTLY positive...lol)
He helped me build lifelong friendships with people who have become family.
He brought me people who grew to love me, even if they doubted my abilities in the beginning of this journey.
He brought me people who care about me and my son, who have cried with us and laughed with us.
He brought me experience as a leader so I know when I'm ready, when my son is ready, I can return to administration knowing I have what it takes.
He brought me so many blessings these past two years that I will never be able to recount them all.

So, this decision has been so difficult to make, knowing that I will miss my role as principal.
I will miss my staff.

I'll miss picking on Levi about being a Greek god and also his support for my son, and also his sass back to me and his lunch he sometimes eats in my office. Also his stories about his girlfriend. I think he's smitten.

I'll miss harassing  Jordan about always saying fat jokes or no date jokes around me, and his hard work to make the athletic programs rock. Also his OCD is as bad as mine so that's cool.

I'll miss Ed's farm stories and basketball stories. I'll miss ghis sense of humor and his excitement about having the same student three hours in one year.

I'll miss Kim's support and sense of humor (she helps me fight with Jordan and Levi), and absolutely everything she has done for that office and the entire building!

I'll miss Kendra's eagerness to build a music program and kids' self esteem, and her awesome dance moves. Also her helpful personality for all staff.

I'll miss Mary Jo's super cool art projects that she lets me be a part of. I'll also miss her excitement when it comes to talking about ideas for art.

I'll miss Julie's calm demeanor and pleasant smile that makes everyone feel welcome, and her desire to work hard at making the math program better.

I'll miss Beth's laugh and her incredible work ethic to bring the best to our kids. Also her mom's cookies will be missed even though Brett only brought them to me once. And I'll miss her running away from Katy's hugs.

I'll miss Jamie's super fun and loving personality and her laughter and fun loving attitude. I'll miss her support and listening to me talk about my husband.

I'll miss Daniel's support when he comes in and listens to my stories and listens while I cry. I'll miss his constant reminders that I've done a good job.

I'll miss Kelly's sass and her mispronunciation of words (debacle), and her excitement for Science. I will not miss the thought of dead pigs for dissection or the AIMS trip discussions. I'll also miss her stories and her support.

I'll miss Deana's amazing ability to bring life and so much awesomeness to the library for our kids. I'll miss her thoroughness in making sure she's doing a good job.

I'll miss Rae Jean's willingness to always lend a helping hand to anyone and everyone, to cover when needed without one complaint. Also her sense of humor about pregnancies.

I'll miss Sean's epic weird music playing loudly in the mornings to get kids energized, and also his willingness to "babysit" my son while I've dealt with discipline or something. Also for flying drone sounds with my son.

I'll miss Tony's sass and his fights with Brooke over leaving each other out of tags on Facebook. Also his desire to learn and do a good job for our kids. Also his meatball lunch he brings is pretty Eli's (thanks you Tony's

I'll miss Brooke's eyes and hair (mostly for my sister) and her seeet personality and work ethic. I'll miss her laughter and super fun attitude, also her support and love.

I'll miss Suzi's stories of fiddling and her desire to advocate for her kids through every step. I'll miss her quirky emails that crack us up...she always finds the best memes!

I'll miss Sara's support and sweet smile and attitude, and her eagerness to grow as a teacher. I'll also miss her baby belly but can't wait to hold that sweet baby girl!

I'll miss Katy's epic dance moves and her hugs and her kisses and her songs and her signs in the hall. Also her morning sass and her creative activities she does that make or kids love reading.

I'll miss Kris' humor that sneaks in at the last minute and gets everyone laughing so hard. Also all of his hard work for anybody who needs a job done somewhere on campus.

I'll miss Laura's drive to fight for what her kids need, And her knowledge in so many areas of shook from credits to online classes and more. Also her advocating and working hard to help my little boy survive the year.

I'll miss Pride's politeness and his drive to build the music program to its full potential. Also his sense of humor and willingness to help out any way he can.

I'll miss Kevin's laughter, quirky smile (Elvis), his support, his awesomeness as a counselor, his test organization skills (no debacle...lol) and his help in getting my little boy through the year.

I'll miss Dave's and Susie's positive attitudes and willingness to be "fix everything when it needs fixed" kinda folks! They both always smile when I see them and they make our buildings run!

I'll miss the sweetest breakfast and lunch crew around!!! You ladies always make our staff and our kids feel loved! I'll miss Leanna and Vickie and the support you give every student and staff member!

I'll miss my admin team. The ladies of the group--Danielle, Kacie, and Theresa...I have learned SO MUCH from the three of you that I'll never be able to retell it all. Thank you for welcoming me into your team and helping me grow as an educational leader. I love you! We are "Dr S' Angels"! Always!

So, the decision has been difficult because I'm leaving behind so many things and people I love. But I have to give all of myself for my son until he can heal through his grief. I know my staff understands, but their sweet messages, cries, and words of encouragement sure making leaving hard to do.

I love you all SO SO SO SO much and will forever be Grateful for the two years I served as your leader.

And to my kids...you'll ALWAYS be my kids. Each and every one of you. I'll miss yelling from the end of the hall for you to go to class! I'll miss watching you play ball. I'll miss tutoring those who I can (no math!). I'll miss watching you "get it" and take a step toward your future. I'll miss the laughs we share in the hallways. I'll miss the high fives you give me, the candy you earn when you tell me something new you've learned, and so much more.

YOU ARE INCREDIBLE AND STRONG AND SMART AND CREATIVE AND FUN AND AMAZING AND GOOD. I am proud of EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of you!!! Remember that a mistake is just a mistake and a test score is just a test score, and neither define YOU. Your smile, your soul, your heart, your drive...those define you.


I love you #EastSide and am proud to have been your Principal. Now, let's finish the year strong!!!!

**disclaimer--if I've missed someone, PLEASE know it is only because I am crying through this post and this my brain is not working fully** and I hope everything is spelled correctly because it's hard to see it all through tears 😭😭😭😭