Dear Conner...Love, Dad

A while back I wrote a post titled, "A Letter from Heaven", which included a letter to our boy from his dad.  I wrote with Mike's words that I had heard a thousand times before and I wrote the rest from what I know he would say if he could. I received such high response on that post because those who knew my husband told me that it sounded exactly like he wrote it.  Achingly so.  I knew him that well.  So, with my recent posts about our boy, I felt on my heart that Mike has been telling me to write to our boy again...from him.

Dear Conner,

Hey buddy, it's Dad again.  I got your letters...Mom read them to me.  Thank you for writing them.  I wish so much that I could be there, son.  My gosh, it is crazy how this happened.  How our worlds changed in just one quick second.  I'm sorry that my leaving hurt you and momma so much.  I sure didn't mean for it to.  I never meant to hurt you guys and to leave like I did.

But, you know what God told me when I got here?

He said, "Son...welcome home.  It's time to rest. I've got everything taken care of for you here and you don't have to worry and work so hard anymore. Come see your family that you've missed so many years and rest.  Just rest."

I looked at him, Conner, and my first question back to him was, "What about my family, God?  What about my boys?  My sons are so young and Conner is only 10 years old.  This isn't fair to him, God."

And you know what he told me back, bubba?

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and as we started walking toward the sunlight I could see shining across the way, he said, in almost a whisper, "Mike, I promise you something right now.  I have your family wrapped in my Grace.  I am with your family and I will see them through every day and every night that they have to live without you.  I will listen to every cry and every prayer and every fear and every dream.  I will listen as they beg me to bring you back, but I will send them little reassurances that you are ok with Me.  I will listen as they get angry with Me for taking you and I will send your wife the right words to tell your son, Conner, when he asks why you had to leave so soon. I will know when their hearts are breaking all over again and I can feel them shaking all the way up here, and I will send them your song to help them breathe easy again.  I will watch as they learn new routines and go new places, trying to fill their sadness with something new and exciting, and as I watch this I will send them the happiest memories of you and it will help them smile.  When their tears fall on their pillows as they cry and they feel like they can't go anymore without you, I will move them closer to each other in the night.  When doubts flood their minds about the future, I will give them the idea that you would want them to be ok without you and that you understand they have to do what they have to do.  Trust me, Michael, you are MY son and I love you and would never leave your family."

It took me a minute to wrap my mind around it, but I knew I had to.  So, I did.  I turned one last time to look over my shoulder, wondering if I could still see my little brown haired, brown eyed boy in the distance.  But I couldn't.  God told me that he wanted me to wait a little while before he would let me see you.

So, it took a bit but when I finally did, it was AMAZING!!!!!  All I could do was smile!

Your are growing so big, son!  You are getting so tall it's unreal!  You're going to pass your brother pretty soon...I know he hates that, but boy, it's gonna happen.

And I saw you write the note to Molly the day you asked her to be your girlfriend.  You were trying to be pretty slick like your ole dad, huh? ha ha ha...  Good job, bubba.

But I want to tell you that I saw your note the next day too.  When you woke up that next morning, crying to momma that you were scared to have a girlfriend because daddy wasn't there to give you advice, I asked God to send momma the words she needed. I'm so glad it worked.

You have a very smart mom, son.  She's smarter than I was about most things. Farming, umm no... but, she's learning.  She's doing a good job learning all the stuff I did before I left.  You remember that.  You listen to her.

I'm so glad she talked you through it and you kept that pretty little girl as your girlfriend.  I sure was proud of you after that talk...when you decided to keep your girlfriend and listen to your mom's advice.  You became more of a man in that moment, son.  You doubted yourself. You became weak for a minute because you didn't think you could do something on your own.  But you know what? You went ahead and had the courage to keep doing what you were doing.  You listened to your mom tell you she could handle those girls...and she's right...she knows what girls need to hear.  She knows how you need to treat them.  Trust her.  I did.

So, when I started getting to see and hear you, it was so cool!  I watch you at school and man, that's so cool that you're in Beta!  I know you're going to do that drawing contest and I want you to draw one of those cool work trucks like we used to draw.  I bet you win something!  But even if you don't, I'm gonna love it anyway.  And everybody else will too.

I been seeing you make new friends at school too.  That's good.  You guys do some pretty funny stuff at school.  I like when you guys play football and it's cool how sometimes you talk with your friends and you sound just like me.  It makes me smile.

You know what else I saw the other day?

I saw a young man, dressed fit to kill, in a pair of dark Levi's and boots, take his momma's hand and walk with her to the dance floor at a wedding.  I saw a little boy forget his troubles for a minute and wrap his arm around his mom's waste and slow dance with her and my gosh, I never had more pride swell out of my chest than I did right then.  Your momma took my breath away 14 years ago and let me tell you son, she took it away again that night.  She looked so beautiful to me.  She was the prettiest girl there.  And you were the best lookin' guy in the whole place.

I watched you two slow dance to two songs.  You did so good, son. You made your momma feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  Because she has you and you are a part of me and her put together. You got all the good stuff out of both of us, you know?

Her smarts when it comes to reading and writing; you're so creative with your stories.
My art side with all of your drawings of trucks, jeeps, and deer.  You sure can draw.  I used to love it.
Her heart.  You sure got her heart.  It's so big I don't know how it keeps from bursting.
My sense of humor.  Lol... Mom doesn't always appreciate it, but we sure do, huh!? ;)

We are both so proud of you, Conner.

I wish so much that I could be with you to tell you all this in person, but one day I will be.  One day we will be together again and you know what it will be like?  Like we never were apart.  I promise. You won't even know that I've been gone.  Someone told your mom once that it would be like we just turned around and there we were, never gone.  We'll laugh and hug and kiss and jump for joy.  You won't know I've been gone.  I won't know all that I've missed and will miss in all the years to come.

Know why?  Because I see it all.  I WILL be with you when you kiss your first girl.  I WILL be with you when you play your first junior high baseball game.  I WILL be with you when you walk into high school as a freshman.  I WILL be with you when you go to the Junior Prom.  I WILL be with you when you graduate high school.  I WILL be with you when the first girl really and truly breaks your heart in two.  I WILL be with you when you beg somebody to fix it and heal it and I'll sure do my best to reach down and comfort you.  I WILL be with you when you fall in love for the first time and know she is the one.  I WILL be with you when you ask her to be your wife and I WILL be with you when you meet her at the end of the aisle.  I WILL be with you when you buy your first house and when you have your first baby.  I WILL be with you when you watch your children grow.

Conner, I WILL be with you every day of your life.  Even if it's not in the way you wish it could be...I'm there.  I've always been here and I always will be.  I'm not goin' anywhere.  Sometimes it might feel like I'm not there and sometimes it might get hard to know I'm there, but all you need to do is remember.

Remember the times I held you when you were newborn and danced with you in the living room, singing you songs so low so momma couldn't hear.  Remember the times we rode around in the truck on the farm, just tellin' stories and laughin'.  Remember all the times we went hunting for deer and how excited and proud I got when you shot one.  Remember all the days we sat on the computer looking for toys at Walmart.com or at old Scouts and Jeeps on the Internet.  Remember all the times we sat in my office, me working at my computer and you "working"...aka drawing and making a mess...right beside me.  Remember all the wrestling matches and special nights we had in the floor. Remember all the birthdays and Christmases and July Fourth parties we had.  Remember how much fun we always made life, me and you.  Remember my laugh.  Remember my hugs and kisses.  And when you do, I'll be there.  I'll come to you in memories that warm your heart.  I'm always there, son. Always.

So, for now, I've gotta go again.  Grandpa Bob wants me to tell him more stories about you.  He's sure proud of you too.

I need a couple more favors, ok?

I need you to tell your brother how proud I am of him.  Tell him I watch him at college and he's doing good.  Tell him I miss him with every ounce of my being and it's so amazing to watch him grown into a man.  He's so good looking and smart and funny.  Tell him I sure miss his crazy stories he always has.  I miss his laugh.  Tell him to keep going to school and working hard.  Tell him I love him.

I need to you to tell your mom a few things too.  Tell her she is beautiful still.  Tell her I am so proud of her for her new job.  I can't believe she's a high school principal now.  She's doing so good there. She really is.  She sure is a hard working woman.  It's awesome how good of a job she's doing with those kids and teachers down there.  I think it's really panning out.  Tell her I see how worried she is and how heartbroken she still is, but that God is making her a little stronger everyday.  Tell her she's doing amazing with you and the bills and the farm and all of it. Tell her that it's ok to want to be happy again.  I want her to.

I want her to go out again someday and laugh and flirt and be made to feel beautiful again.  She deserves that.  She's never gonna try to replace me, son, you have to know that.  But momma needs to be ok and she needs to feel loved and safe and wanted and needed.  You won't understand that until you're grown.  But momma and I talked about this kind of stuff way before it happened.  Married couples often do that. Talk about what would happen if one of them passed away. We both told each other we would want the other one to find someone new, just as long as that someone new was good to you. Mom will pick good.  She picked me, right? ;)  So, trust her.

Don't fight her when she does date again. And I know momma...she won't even think about dating until she's good and ready!  And she'll make sure it's all good before she even brings you anywhere near someone else.  But when she does, be nice to him.  I mean it.  Make me proud.  He's not gonna try to replace me any more than momma is going to.  He will know the story behind us.  Mom will tell him on date number 1.  He'll know all about me and our life and the love we share.  And he'll understand.  If he doesn't, then you know good and well your mom won't keep him around.  So, make me proud and be nice, ok?

It'll eventually get easier and it'll be really cool to have another person who loves you and wants to hang out with you and have fun. That's what your mom was for your brother.  She was just another person to love him and want to be with him, and she never once tried to replace his mom or be his "new mom".  You know?  It'll work out buddy, I promise.  Just give it time and be patient.

So, tell her I love her and support her in everything she's doing.  I'm so proud of how she is making it work every day.  It's crazy.  She's way stronger than she thinks she is.

So, I'm gonna go.  I love you more than words, Conner Luin.  I love you so much it's crazy.  So, take care of yourself and of your mom.  Tell your brother how much I love him.  Be nice to Molly and all your friends.  CLEAN YOUR ROOM, please!  Your mom is getting so mad about that!

Keep working hard at school and doing your best.  I'll talk to you soon, bubba.  Keep my letters coming. I love to read them when you write them.

Sweet Dreams little man.  I love you forever...
Dad

I hope when my friends and family read this, they know it's Mike again.  I hope I did him justice.

I love you baby, and wish this letter was for real and you were just away at a conference.  What I would give to hold you one more time...or forever actually.

I love you and miss you beyond any measure of this world.
NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica

Today is an Anniversary...

I am counting down the next 2 hours and 35 minutes until I plan to have a complete meltdown. It will be 5:40 p.m.

I married my high school boyfriend just 5 months after graduation and he filed for divorce just short of 5 years later.  I never thought anyone would want me or love me again.  I thought I was going to be alone forever.  Mike changed that. 

On Thursday, October 18, 2001, at 5:40 p.m., my telephone rang and my second chance at love came across the other end and said, "Hey, this is Mike Hollis, how are you?"  And so began our journey together.  That first phone call lasted until 6:20 and we literally talked about everything. I remember how smooth he thought he was...well I thought he was too...surprisingly actually.  No man had ever talked to me the way Mike did, especially just when asking me on our first date!

"So, do you like to go out or what do you like to do?" Mike asked.

"I do like to go out and get dressed up, you know, movie and dinner, but I'm also a country girl and like riding around on gravel roads and just talking too.  I'm pretty easy to please."  I had no clue how to talk to him.  I had literally only ever been with my ex-husband.  Period.  So, holy crap...I just relied on my expertise in Lifetime movie watching.  ;)  It worked.

"Ok, well how about I cook you dinner Sunday evening?"

"Sure, that sounds good."

I could not stop smiling while we continued our conversation.  When I rested the receiver into its cradle, I was literally shaking like a leaf.  I was broken out in hives and I began sobbing.  My phone conversation with another man and my upcoming date confirmed that my marriage was truly over. I was a failure.  

But the excitement of seeing Mike in just a few days sent chills all through me.  I had always thought Mike was such a good looking man.  He was so nice and every time I had seen him, he smiled and waved.  

I remember early on, before he built up the nerve to call and ask me out, I would see him out and about and his smile would just sparkle.  I never imagined that he thought I existed, let alone found me attractive enough to ask on a date.  

I saw him at a parking lot adjacent to our local Dollar General store one day with his father-in-law. As I left the store parking lot, he waved and smiled as I did the same in return. I think I even blushed a little, even though no one was with me to see it. He told me later that he pulled in there when he saw my truck in the DG parking lot.

Another time I sat at the Jolly Cone with a friend and her boyfriend and Mike pulled in in his old Toyota.  That same Toyota is the truck we rode around in for hours on our first date after dinner. Mike spoke as he smiled and walked to the order window.  I remember asking where his little shadow was, his son, and we talked for just a minute while he waited.  We told each other to have a good day and he smiled the entire time he was pulling from the lot.  Mike later told me that he already had a drink in the truck; he only pulled in because he saw me sitting there.

A different time I saw Mike at Wal-Mart while I was with my sister and niece.  I thought nothing of it, but it turned out we actually were parked right behind each other so not only did we see each other and say hello inside Wal-Mart, but we also smiled and told each other to have a good day when leaving the store.  

God has such magical ways of putting people in the right places at the right time.  He put Mike and me in the perfect places at the perfect times because he knew we were perfect for each other. 

Dinner that first evening, Sunday, October 21, was comfortable and easy.  Conversation flowed. I helped him cook dinner.  He prepared steak, baked potato, salad, and macaroni and cheese. He had a small bottle of every kind of salad dressing there is because he wasn't sure which kind I liked.  He also had a gallon pitcher of grape Kool-Aid waiting.  

After dinner and much conversation, Mike asked if I wanted to take a ride around his farm.  We hopped in the old 'Yota and rode for hours, solving all the world's problems and falling in love.  I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life.  I felt a burning from within that hadn't burned in forever.  My former marriage and relationship proved that we had just been a couple of kids who THOUGHT they knew what love was.  Turns out, I did love my ex-husband, but I don't really think I was "in love", even though I sure was convinced I was.  With Mike, I instantly felt it.  

Love at first sight...do you believe in it?  Mike convinced me it is real.  I fell in love with him that night.  And he with me.  We both fell hard and fast.  From October 18, 2001, there was not a single day when we didn't see or speak to each other multiple times a day.

In February of 2002, I finally moved in with Mike, after much discussion on the subject.  He basically begged me to move in, so I finally did.  We decided since we had both been through failed marriages, and there was a little boy involved, we needed to make sure we could stand each other on a day to day basis.  

There were rough times.  There were times he drank too much.  There were times he scared me with his angry fits.  There were times we fought tooth and nail about the dynamics of his son not wanting me there.  There were times when he would shut me out and I would feel so hurt.  There were times I thought money really was the root of all evil and that fights over it would end us.  There were times his jealousy over nothing would take control and cause him to say mean things to me.

But, then there were times that caught my breaths.  

Times when we couldn't even make it in the house before we fell into each other, wrapped up in love so passionate.  

Times when he held me so close that I never felt safer in my life.  

Times when he looked into my eyes and went all the way through to my soul.  

Times when we laughed so hard and danced so closely and chased each other through the house. Times when we had heart-to-heart conversations about our future.  

Times when we made plans for our life together.  

Times when we worked together out on the farm, him teaching me all the way.  

Times when we sat in silence, looking at the stars, dreaming of becoming parents together one day. Times when we went away together and enjoyed each other's company while out at dinner, at one of his MRWA conferences, or just hanging out with friends.  

Times when we whispered fears to each other that no one had ever heard.  

Times when we cried to each other about our fears and we wiped each other's tears with a gentle touch.  

Times when we realized we were made for each other and that is why we would fight so hard one minute and love even harder the next.  

And all those amazing times in my life began with a simple phone call that changed everything.   

And here I am, 9 and 1/2 months into widowhood, and it all began with another phone call that changed everything.  

Part of me wants to feel again all the things I felt with Mike.  Part of me wants to never even try, for fear that I will search for the love of my life in every man who crosses my path.  I don't know if I'll ever feel that passion again.  If I'll ever feel that safe or loved or wanted or needed or appreciated.  I hope that I will in time.  I hope that it will come one day and that my little boy will have a man in his life who can be his friend and help him grow and learn, but never try to replace his dad.  

But today, I will remember all the things about my husband that won me over 14 years ago today. From the sound of his raspy voice on the other end of the line, to his lips when we first kissed four days later.  

I miss you baby.  More than words can express.  But I try.  I try to let you know in my prayers and in my secret thoughts and in my moments of silence just how much I miss you and still love you.  You were mine and I was yours.  And I will be...

Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...

#stillhis

Love, 

Veronica 

Letters to Dad...

My little boy began writing letters to his dad this week. He has chosen to write them when his school work is finished. 

I have read them both and they made my breaths catch in my chest. I absolutely cannot come to terms with the fact that our baby boy has to write letters to his dad and will never get an answer. Conner writes them like Mike is still here and so one day I think I will do another letter from Heaven.

Conner's strength is astounding and he doesn't even know it. I am proud of you baby boy and I KNOW that Daddy has heard your letters and has watched you every day with pride that is swelling from his chest. 

You will forever be his little boy, his "bubba", his "brother"...you used to love when he called you any of those. And I'm so blessed to have watched the bond that you two shared. 

Widows have it rough...but their children have it even more so. Please pray for all the widows and widow's children in this world. The worst pain of it all is not being able to "fix" it for our children. 

We love you baby and miss you more than words. I know you are looking down on us and I ask that you please send some of that strength that exuded from you to our little boy. He needs it.

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica 

I Can't Believe This is My Life...

When is it going to seem real? When is it going to seem "normal" to not have Mike here? When am I ever going to be "ok"? 

These are things I ask myself daily but today has been one of those days that these questions are literally flooding my mind over and over. 

It will be a year in a little over two months and I can't imagine myself being in any better of a place after that one year mark than I am right now. 

There are so many things I still don't know the answer to, like:

When is probate going to end?

What's going to happen with the farm?

How am I going to keep paying for everything and make things run?

Will the other pieces of land ever sell?

How am I going to pay off all this debt that was left behind? 

Is my son going to be ok just being raised by me? 

When is this outrageous pain ever going to lessen to a dull pain?

I am so grateful for my family and friends. I don't know where we would be or what we would do without them. They listen when I need to cry; they help with Conner when I have meetings and tons of other work things; they help me with housework and help me run the farm; they try to comfort me when I'm having a terrible moment. 

But...it is all done in vain. They are not Mike. They cannot bring him or my life back. They cannot fill my smile with genuine happiness. They cannot know the secret fears that run through my mind daily. They cannot take away the fear and sadness and anger and shock and confusion. They just have to stand alongside me and do their best to keep me from falling completely. They are my angels sent from God and I don't know if I even deserve them.

We haven't been to church in weeks. I can't force myself to go. I see the funeral every time I go. I feel shaky and like I'm taking those steps to the main floor to see our family pictures displayed in the foyer. I imagine myself being helped to walk the aisle to make it to my husband's casket. I just relive that terrible day every Sunday so I haven't been back in weeks. 

I don't know what to do with myself and I honestly can't believe this is my life. 

My gosh, what I would give to have you and normal and happy and safe back, baby. I love you and miss you beyond any measure. 

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica 

Our Boy...

Last night our boy and I went to a wedding and he was the most handsome guy there. Conner looked so much like his daddy. He wore dark wash Levis, cowboy boots, a blue button up shirt and a dress vest over it. 

As he slow danced with me during the mother-son dance, tears welled up in my eyes not only for pure pride but also for sadness unexplainable. 

Mike is missing his little boy grow up. Mike won't get to see Conner dressed up for his first prom. He won't get to watch him graduate and walk across the stage to get his diploma. Mike will miss watching our boy fall in love for the first time and he'll miss the day our son marries his true love. Mike will not be here to meet his grandchildren. There are so many things he will miss and it breaks my heart every day. 

And our boy misses his dad beyond measure. Conner has his first girlfriend and he almost broke up with her the day after he asked her to be his girlfriend just because his dad isn't here to talk him through it. I cried with him the morning he woke at 4:00 am doubting himself because Mike isn't here to tell him what to say. 

I told Conner that mommy can handle this and I know what's good to say to girls and what isn't...but it's not the same. And I know that.

I know there will be an infinite number of times when our boy would much rather have his dad here. And it will be for the simple things, like taking him bow hunting or riding around on the farm. But it will also be for those huge moments in life that take your breath away. And there will just be this void as big as the sky. 

And let me tell you, as a mom it is beyond the most difficult thing ever to see your child so broken. He cries often. He talks about his dad and wants to hear stories about us all the time. He tries to do little things just like him and he sometimes does without even trying. Today he pulled a kitchen chair out to sit and pull his cowboy boots on and I swear I saw Michael in that very moment. Mike did that every single day. In that same exact chair. 

Memories flood my soul all day every day and little moments like slow dancing with our boy or watching our son do things exactly like his daddy did, make my breaths catch in my chest for just a minute and make my heart beat faster. 

So that means I have to do my very best to smile and nod when I really want to hide; to laugh out loud when I really want to cry; to take our boy places and do things with him when I really want to stay locked away from everything and everyone. 

Our boy is broken, but he is wise beyond his years, stronger than any superhero imagined, and my perfect blessing from God. 

Daddy sure is proud, bubba boy. No matter how far away Heaven is, daddy is watching you all the time, wishing he could be with you as much as you wish you could be with him. And momma doesn't know what I would do without you. 

I love you, son. More than any mom has ever loved her son; to the moon and back; to pieces; always and forever; and more than words. 

And baby, I love and miss you the same. 

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica