I bought my son a few ridiculously priced candies and an iTunes card for the occasion. He is happy; that is all that matters.
I haven't posted in a while because I guess I feel torn. Most of my posts have been the desperation clawing its way from within me. The sadness and loneliness and anger needing an outlet. I've reached a turning point somehow.
I'm not sure when exactly it happened or how...well, the how is because God finally said:
"ok, enough of this crap. You can do this and you're going to have to quit wrapping yourself in sadness! Focus! Snap out of it! You have a son to live for and he is more precious than anything or anyone else! Go have fun with him! Quit just laying in the house in your pajamas every chance you have. Get up and get dressed. Smile! LAUGH!!!! Go be with friends! DO things! Mike would. If you think he would have sat in that house for over a year, you are kidding yourself. I mean, seriously..you knew your husband better than anyone else. You guys even had this conversation before--dating again. You know he would. Number one, he could not have done all his jobs and raise your son alone. Number two, he would not enjoy being alone. It depressed him when he was alone before you. So, you're done just sitting there! GET UP!!! GO DO!!!! LIVE for crying out loud! Just because you do does not mean you don't still love and miss Mike. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad widow. It does not mean you will not think of him anymore, or that you have to stop wearing your wedding ring, or his flannel shirts to bed. Mike will always be your husband; that's how he left this world. But child, it's ok to breathe and to let yourself be open to new beginnings. I promise that I have you. I have Conner. You guys are so important to me and I'll never forsake you or lead your heart in a wrong direction. It's ok. Life is going to HAVE TO move forward. No, I didn't say you'll have to "get over it" because that I'm sorry, will never come. But you CAN "get ON with it"...and that means LIFE!!! Get on with life because I promise you that it's too short not to. I love you, child, so trust me. I'm the one talking to you and telling you it's ok to move forward even if it's teeny tiny steps. Remember your conversation with Mike on your first date? "I need baby steps, like seriously because I've never dated anyone before. I married my high school sweetheart, so I've only known being with him. So, I'm not sure what you expect, but I need baby steps." The two of you were in love in a week. Take baby steps, my daughter. But step back into life with your son strong by your side. You two go have adventures and make memories. I love you."
So, I hear Him. I've had a positivity flowing in my heart lately. My Instagram posts are more positive and cheerful. My demeanor with my son is more positive and cheerful. I actually went to my friend's house this weekend and had a mom's day out with no kids! It was awesome! It was good to talk with one of my oldest friends, just me and her.
It was awesome to shop for Valentine's for our kids; I just ignored, well no I actually growled when walking by the husband cards. Grrrrrrr. Thanks hallmark, you're awesome. Lol... At least I can laugh about some things now!
With all that being said, you will probably notice a difference in my posts and in the amount of posts. This is where the I'm torn thing comes in. This blog began with journaling the terrible tragedy of losing my husband of 11 years. It has shown you the deepest, most raw, agonizing pieces of my heart and soul. It has been dedicated to letting widows like me know their feelings of fear, inadequacy, desperation, anger, guilt, and all those other ugly emotions are VALID AND REAL AND PERFECTLY OK!!!!
But I now think my posts might become more positive, telling of my son's and my adventures. Because as I said in an earlier post, I want us to go running to Mike and tell him how good we lived just so we have awesome things to tell him. What I want widows, well everyone, to know is that FINALLY seeing the light is also a completely valid feeling of widowhood and it's 250% ok to WANT to be happy again!!! But I will always be a widow, no matter what life brings down the road. I will always be Mike's wife, but it will be ok with him if I eventually become someone else's sweetheart too. Mike will understand and he will be proud of me. He and God will help send me someone who will be good for both me and our son. So, life anew is about to begin. Changes are coming and focus is coming and happiness filled with laughter and giggles and silly jokes and vacations to new places and all that good stuff a life well lived is made of is all coming.
I have this and God has me. I can't go wrong.
PS-- This DOES NOT mean I'm open for date suggestions so DO NOT take it as a hint to set me up with anyone!!! Not gonna happen yet. In time my friends, in time.
I love you and miss you NFAxI, baby.
And thanks for whispering to God to fill my heart with a small dose of joy again that can only grow and grow and grow.
Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven from your wife and son.
#stillhis with #newlife
Love,
Veronica
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