I needed to write to you today; I felt things bubbling inside me needing to get out. I miss you. I miss happiness and laughter and romance and so much more.
Today I began working on changing your office into Conner's bedroom. It's much bigger than his room now. I remember you saying in the beginning of our move that you "kind of" felt bad for taking the biggest room. Lol... That feeling didn't last. . ;)
As I pulled things from the office closet, including all your rifles, I had to take a minute and just stop. I rubbed the old wooden stocks of the guns from your younger years. The 30-30 lever action was my favorite. It's beautiful. You were proud of it.
And then I continued pilfering through some old files and papers on a shelf behind your desk. I had looked at them multiple times over the past almost 14 months but could not bring myself to actually pull the papers from them and look. Today I did.
No one but me ever knew how sentimental you actually were. Most people only saw the rough and gruff Mike. The workaholic who sometimes threw little, well no...big fits when something went wrong. In the folders on your shelf there were priceless treasures. I found letters from the boys and pictures from when your hair was silky black and the wrinkles hadn't gathered so pronounced. The boys were tiny in some of the pictures and I could tell from their handwriting that their letters and drawings were from many years ago.
I found one from Conner that will be framed and will have its perfect place on his newly painted bedroom wall.
He was 7 when he wrote this and now that he's 11, his dream hasn't changed. I showed him and we had a good cry.
But I'm excited about what your office will look like once it becomes our little boy's room. We will have one wall wooden, the other's military green (not momma's choice), and your large map of the farm will rest centered above Conner's bed. I'm very excited about how it will look. Today we just accomplished the closet switch...no small task in itself since both closets were full! Lol... But we will keep working and you'll love it!
I am trying to take steps forward, babe. Steps that would still make you proud. I want a future that is not filled with such heartache as my present. I want to laugh and love again. I want to raise our son in the light of The Lord and in love and happiness. I want him to learn that our inner strength only grows through our faith in God and in what He can deliver us from.
And in all of my endeavors, I will take you with me. I'll never NOT be your wife. You'll never NOT be my husband or Conner's daddy. We love you and we miss you beyond any measure of this world. But we are ready to take that love with us on a new path of life. We are ready to add roads and turns and places of peace and warmth and happiness.
You will be with us always. I love you so much and can't wait for you to see us grow from the tragedy that crushed us. You'll be proud baby.
I hope the sun is shining on you and that you are proud of the steps we are taking every day.
NFAxI
#stillhis with #anewlife
Love,
Veronica
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