I literally have only ever dated two men in my life, and those both became my husband (obviously at different times). I dated my first husband all through my teenage years and we married when I was 18. We divorced in 2001 and I began dating Mike that same year. We were married two years later.
I've heard that Dating since widowhood is ENTIRELY different than dating in what I call "regular life". When I dated my ex-husband, we really didn't "date" because we were already a couple from the time I turned 13. We were just a regular couple and then married. There were never any nerves. We just were "us" from the beginning. No impressing or worrying to be done.
With Mike, he was my first REAL date! The first man to ever approach me without already being my boyfriend. He was the first to just call me up and ask me on a date. I was so nervous but so incredibly excited!!! My first marriage was over and the divorce had been finalized for a little while before Mike called. I had no ties to anyone or anything so the idea of a date with someone new was full of excitement!
Now, the thought of dating someone new has a mix of emotions.
I am excited at the prospect of someone WANTING to ask me out. I've absolutely no self esteem and am beyond self-conscious. I have so many body flaws it's ridiculous and I haven't the energy or time to make any changes. And I don't care what all the exercise fanatics out there say--NO, I literally DO NOT have time. So for a man to WANT to ask ME on a date?!?! That's huge! That's exciting.
I am nervous about disappointing OR really impressing someone. On one hand, if I disappoint him, then my self esteem will only diminish even further. I HATE disappointing others. On the other hand if I really impress him (or the opposite), is it gonna work or am I going to get hurt? What if it doesn't?
This time around I have so many facets of life to consider: my son's feelings first and foremost; my stress load for all the court dates and debt smothering me at times; my job and its commitments; my role as a solo parent and having to arrange child care every time we want to go out; the list could go on and on. I'm worried the list will be too much for a new man.
But I WANT to date someone again. I want to flirt and laugh and smile and get dressed up for him. I want to hear from him throughout the day. I want to feel his hand on the small of my back as he leads me through a doorway. I want to look him in the eyes and feel a connection. But I'm scared. And I feel a tinge of guilt. Almost like I'm cheating, but I KNOW deep down that I'm not.
My marriage (according the law) legally ended on December 28, 2014, when "death do us part" happened. But I don't want to stop wearing my ring. I didn't get to pick this time. I didn't get to sign on the dotted line to make a choice of a dissolution of marriage. So I KNOW I'm not cheating, but sometimes I wonder if a new man might wonder that at times. Almost like I would be cheating on him with a ghost. I don't want that at all. I want a new man to feel like I'm WITH him because I want to be, but that it's totally ok to still love my husband too. I have a big heart; I have so much love to give. I didn't get to give it all. And isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Loving each other?
So...I talked with Conner a couple nights ago because I wanted to tell him that I'm ready. I'm ready to meet someone to have fun with. Someone who will make me laugh. Someone who will make me feel cared for, respected, appreciated, wanted, and so on.
Someone who will care about my son IF and WHEN the dating turns into a relationship. Someone who will NEVER try to be Conner's Dad, but rather a really good person who loves him too. Someone who will have patience and understanding and acceptance when I have a bad day. Someone who will always respect my space and will know and accept that I will never stop loving Mike. But that I also have enough room to love someone new too. It won't be replacing my love for Mike or replacing Mike at all, but will just be an added abundance of love for someone. I'm ready.
So, for the time being, I will be open to dating. I will be open to being friends with someone first and making sure that we really care for each other before he meets my son. I will have fun and try my best to not take things too seriously but will spend my time really trying to get to know him. I will share my fears with someone and my likes and dislikes openly and honestly. I'm too old and scarred to do anything but.
Prayers and blessings are appreciated from my family and friends and from my widow sisters (wisters) out there. I love each and every one of you with whom I've made a connection these past 16 1/2 months. And to my family and close friends, thank you for the vote of confidence that I CAN breathe and live and laugh and love again.
#stillhis
Love, Veronica
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