We grabbed McDonald's breakfast as a treat and I didn't even finish eating mine as the nerves were working overtime in my stomach. Our son was celebrating his second birthday without his dad. He hit his last birthday of being a pre-teen and he knew it, so he struggled with not having Mike here.
Conner's day was filled with sneaking to the bathroom to text me (sorry to all of his teachers) and they were all similar: I wish he could be here, I love you mtw, mommy (more than words), I miss him, I love you, and so on in a repetitive fashion all day. He even went to the school counselor for a bit and he hadn't been in a while.
But, we made it through school ok and then had dinner out before my high school athletic banquet. So we returned to school and spent the evening watching the dads in the crowd. Both of us did that. It's stupid, but it's what we did. And just when we thought that the night was about to a close, I received a text that yet again the cows were out and in the county road. Yay.
So in a panic, and unable to leave the banquet, I began frantically texting people and when no one responded I texted my sister and my niece. I asked my sister to call our dad and luckily he was able to drive to the farm. At 8:45 at night. So by the time Conner and I arrived home, Dad was there and had moved part of the herd.
By 9:45, all cows were behind fence somewhere (haven't looked this morning to see if they're still there and I really don't care at this point) and I was a hot mess of mascara and tears. I cried for the hour it took for me to drive from school and finish helping my dad with the cows. My eyes are puffy this morning and I'm drained yet again.
Yesterday SHOULD have been a great day to celebrate our son and his amazing and incredible soul. But I ruined it with my blubbering mess at the end. And his dad's absence ruined it for Conner. I cried into my dad's chest as he held me tight in the kitchen. I had to pull away at one point because it was too reminiscent of Mike holding me tight in the kitchen.
I was just DONE. Done with the day. Done with my son not having a dad here. Done with cows. Done with having to ask fifty people for help. Done literally forcing myself to smile and laugh not only for our boy, but also for others.
He is 12 now. I blinked and he is 12 now. And life is not fair for this amazing boy, but I'm trying my best to help him appreciate it anyway.
Please think of all the things you have in your life that you need to appreciate, if you haven't done so lately.
Blessings for the day to you all.
#stillhis
NFAxI
Love,
Veronica
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