I know it's been a while since I've written, so as I sit on our front porch with the breeze blowing and the cows mooing, I thought I'd touch base.
I don't write very often because Sometimes I just don't know what to say because so much of it is sad. I don't want to send those worries your way. I know you're watching but are also preoccupied with happier times in Heaven. That's how it should be. You don't know the fear and sadness Conner and I have down here. I'm glad of that, but I also know as my husband and as Conner's dad, you would want to know how we are.
Con has been struggling as usual but did have a great week last week! Counseling was intense and he displayed anger like I've never seen. I think he's becoming angry with you but doesn't think that is an ok feeling to have, so he deflects it into me. His counselor was shocked and quite concerned, as she had never seen that side of him. She kept telling him how it is not ok to blame me for everything. But he does.
She was concerned about the strength of his medication, but I think we are going to just stay with what we have and see. I worry sometimes people on the outside don't understand his anxiety and struggle. Sometimes I don't even understand it. I think others wonder if Conner is "making" himself cry and throw up; like he's making himself sad. Grief, especially this sudden and shocking magnitude of grief, is just like PTSD. As a matter of fact, many people do become diagnosed with PTSD after so much anxiety builds up over a loss or tragedy. I wish I could do more to help him, but I don't know what it would be.
I've prayed. I've cried with him. I've laughed with him. I've fought with him and also held him close. I've sought counseling for him, both at school and externally. I've tried medication, which he is still taking full time. I've played the good cop and the bad. I've been lenient and strict. I'm a paradox of a momma. I hope you're not mad. I'm trying baby. Our little boy is trying. It's just that his entire world came to a halt and his young mind is trying to plan his future without you. It's unbearable for him.
His grades are good though. You'd be so proud. And he's so witty. Like he seriously cracks me up. He just comes up with stuff that reminds me so much of you. And he's becoming quite the dancer! ;) He totally doesn't dance like you anymore. ;) no offense...lol.
He prays such good prayers and all the time! Before he eats, before bed, just random. Makes me so proud. I hope one day he stops being so angry at me.
He is getting crazy tall! He's gonna be as tall as my cousin John I hope. Remember how we used to always talk about him being built like John? He's gonna be so handsome I don't know how I'm gonna keep the girls away from here!
Our little boy is ornery and makes me want to scream out loud so often, but he also has the greatest, most caring heart I've ever seen. And he's so much like you. He misses his daddy. He misses happiness with life, just like I do.
The house is still getting a few little makeover touches. I just feel like I need to bring more change, babe. Not to "blot you out" or take you away, but just to make a few changes to help with the healing.
Probate and the audit are both still going. My lawyer doesn't communicate any thing positive very often so I've no idea half the time what's going on. Wish I did but I don't. Feels like I'm sinking sometimes though and there isn't one thing I can do about it. Seems to be no end in sight.
We babysat the girls last weekend and Reagan, who just turned 3 you know, asked about you. We were sitting at Jolly Cone and she kept asking something that at first sounded like "where's mine?" Took me a few times but I realized she was asking "where's Uncle Mike?" It took me a second to answer for the lump that welled in my throat. Conner and I just looked at each other and he held back tears. I just answered, "aw baby girl, he's in Heaven way up high looking down on us right now." She remembers early on me kissing your Marine Corps ring that dangled around my neck. I would hold it up and kiss it and say, "that's for Uncle Mike," and she would kiss it too.
Work is going well...busy but well! We have only 18 1/2 days (Con and I are about to make our paper countdown chain) left and I will have survived my first year as a principal! Some days I wonder how.
We miss you still. We always will. I know that life has to go on; we are both trying hard to accept that but then little things like Reagan asking where you are, me going to prom for the first time during my teaching career without you as my date, or Conner breaking down in the middle of a happy day just because he misses you, happen and we sink back down.
I hope one day we stay above water with no trouble and learn to only smile at the memories of life with you. Maybe eventually the sadness will only come on the "big" days and moments, but that sure isn't happening yet.
I'll let you go for now baby. I just wanted to fill you in. Wish you were beside me on this porch right now.
We would talk and laugh and get lost in each other. Until I see you again...
NFAxI,
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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