My son and I had an intense conversation with lots of tears tonight. He has struggled a lot lately and I know why. He didn't just lose a dad. He lost me. The real me. The "before" me. And he has been scared to death not that I'm going to physically die, but that I already have and he's never gonna get me back.
So I'm coming back.
That is my promise to him. That is my promise to Mike. Mike would have been sad had it been me first instead of him, but I don't think (don't know for sure of course) that he would have fallen into the abyss of depression like I have. I don't want to take medication for it; I did for a while but didn't seem to make a difference, so I don't want to again. No anti-depressant can rebuild me as the mom I always imagined I would be. Only I can do that through the strength and endless grace of My Father.
I realized tonight that my perfect little boy, who was once upon a time a 6 pound 0.04 ounce baby, has suffered multiplied the loss I have. He has watched his mom fall further and further into depression and has tried his best to pull her out with no success.
He has had to tread lightly around me. He has spent many hours alone, whether that means in his room or outside where he feels like he isn't "bothering" me. He has been the brunt of my anger when I've gotten onto him by raising my voice. I have caught him many times watching me. I'll be dazed and off in my depression when I'll notice from my peripheral vision that he has stolen a glance. He's been looking for his mom.
I have to come back.
So I vowed some things to my son tonight, right before he held my hand and offered the most beautiful prayer.
I vowed to put technology down more often and to hold his hand. To hug him just because, and really tight too. To have dance party drives to school like we used to. To look at him sometimes and just smile so he knows all I'm thinking is how incredibly much I love him. To take MINIMUM 10 minutes at the end of every day, no matter how late or how tired we both are, just to talk to him. I vowed to come back to him.
Besides my vows to my son, I also know that I need to make a few more changes here at home. I need to put our beautiful email signs away. They need to come down from our bedroom walls so that I can pull them out when I need to, but not where they are staring me in the face every morning and every night. I need to give a pop of color and brighten it up so that it's not a shrine to my husband. I discussed this with Conner and he thinks it's a good idea too. It doesn't mean daddy is going away or that my love for him will ever. It doesn't mean I'll ever stop being Mike's wife. My little boy understands this and supports this.
Conner and I talked and cried and hugged and prayed a LOT tonight. I am drained beyond measure but at least have a hopeful heart again. I told Conner it might take me a while to come all the way back, but you can bet it's starting now. Right now.
So from all of my readers, even if it's only two of you, I am asking for prayers like you've never given before. Pray for me to come back. Please.
We love you Michael. More than words and NFAxI...
Your wife and son
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