Conner can't help but fear that I will die suddenly just like his dad did. He cannot stand to be away from me for very long at all and even when he is, he is constantly texting me "I love you". Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love his messages. But I hate that he has so much fear in his little boy mind that he sends them out of that fear.
I spoke to a good friend yesterday who said that her husband, who is in his 30s now I think, lost his dad as well. He was 11 when his dad passed suddenly. His emotions and mental state were exactly what I know Conner's are.
My friend told me that her husband said he would not leave his mom either and he had such anxiety over the fear of suddenly losing her as well.
Her husband also is cognizant every single day that his dad isn't here. She said that even today her husband will do small things, like go to purchase a pull-behind trailer and will say, "I wish more than anything my dad was here to help me make this decision. He would know which one I should buy."
And that's just a small step to want one's father around for. She said when their first son was born her husband cried terribly hard. She at first thought they were tears of joy; they weren't. He was so incredibly sad that his dad wasn't there.
And that's what my little boy has to live with for the rest of his life. And Tristan...he is closer to those life changing moments and he will long for Mike, I know.
We haven't seen Tristan for more than a few minutes in a very long time, but we recently purchased a four wheeler from his stepdad's shop and when we went by yesterday for some paperwork, Tristan was there. He actually asked if Conner wanted to spend today with him. I know the look of surprise had to be evident on my face, but my heart overflowed with immense joy at that single moment. I so incredibly wish our relationship with Tristan was what it used to be. I miss him. His brother misses him.
And on the drive home I thought about how much I am positive Tristan wishes his dad was here too. Tristan has been going to college and I think what he must want to tell his dad about classes, or the girls, or whatever. He has recently accepted a summer job with MoDot and I think Mike would be proud of that; I bet Tristan would love to hear his dad say that.
I doubt that Tristan has the same fear of his mom's mortality as Conner does, but only because Tristan is older. His mind is preparing him to become a man. He is working and going to college. Conner's mind is just trying to make it through each day without throwing up or missing class to stay in the counselor's office all day due to his overwhelming anxiety.
And there is nothing I can do for either of the boys and THAT breaks my soul into a million pieces. How do you convince your young child that nothing is going to happen to you when you don't know? You were never prepared to lose your spouse and to have to tell your child he/she is gone.
So how can you convince your child that you will be ok? Your spouse wasn't sick...you aren't sick. Your spouse was careful...you are careful. But it's irrelevant. God is the only One who knows when, where, how and why. And I might be able to accept that (sometimes with serious issues), but I just can't figure out how to help an 11-year-old accept that. That totally unexpected, shocking and devastating phone call changed my son's and my stepson's lives forever. And ALL of us would give anything to have Mike back.
We miss you immeasurably baby. And love you so much still. Your boys are growing and working so hard to make a normal day out of their grief, but I know it riddles their minds as much as it riddles mine. I wish you could see all that they are doing and all that they are becoming. I am beyond proud of them both.
We wish our family was whole again. Back to our perfectly imperfect life that we loved so much.
May the sun shine brightly on your smile today, sweetheart.
NFAxI
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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