All That I Am...

All that I am never feels like enough without Mike.  He completed me and though I am trying as hard as I can, I just can't take a full step without him.  I think that I can some days.  I get all excited about the possibilities of a new life and of a new love, of happiness again someday.  And that excitement lasts a little while, but it is still always burdened with the lonesome feeling at the beginning and end of each day.  My days are cursed with an ever present thought pattern that flashes back and forth between my work life that I love and feel like is helping me thrive, and the realization that Conner and I are alone, which is so depressing.  I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways, and I am so grateful to The Lord for all of those blessings so please do not think I am ungrateful for my son and family, or for life in general. But...here is how I feel. 

I was always enough for him.  I was beautiful enough, sexy enough, smart enough, and funny enough. I was a great cook, a wonderful homemaker, a fun partner-in-...well...in everything.  I worked hard enough, I listened closely enough, and I fought fair enough to make him want to stay.  I was always enough.

I absolutely detest that I am here and all that I am is not what I was before.

I do not take care of myself nearly as well as I did when he was here.  I don't feel beautiful; I feel fat and gross all the time.  The confidence Mike gave me is diminished.  I lost quite a bit of weight after his passing, but now I "eat my feelings" so the weight has come back on.  I don't feel sexy at all. Why would I?  I haven't anyone in my life for whom I WANT to appear sexy.  I'm afraid I'll never have that new person.

I'm probably shooting myself in the foot with this, but seriously...there is NO ONE in my town or neighboring towns for me, so the whole wanting to look good for another man is just not in my thought pattern right now.  Every man I know is either too old, yes, I do have an age limit...if he's old enough to be my dad, then it ain't happenin'; too immature and/or legitimately crazy; too "outgoing", in that he drinks/parties/sleeps with way too many people; too married, and by the way I find men who flirt with women when they are married unappealing...shows a true lack of character and if a man is going to flirt relentlessly with me while married to another woman, he would do the same to me; too I don't know...I guess Michael set the bar pretty high.  I know what it's like to have a very hard-working, insanely sexy, crazy smart, killer romantic, very attentive, hilariously funny man who thinks I am all those things too.

So, I might just be alone forever.  Who knows.

I wonder if all the rest of the millions of widows across this country and others feel this way just in the beginning or if some of the insecurities last forever.  Even if they move forward, fall in love again, maybe remarry...I wonder if there will always be the thoughts like mine ingrained into a widow's brain?  And then, how unfair is that?  To the "new man"?  Ugh...it's so ridiculous and tormenting, this STUPID reality as a widow!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!

So, I don't know if I will ever meet someone new; I want to...I want to flirt and laugh and find enjoyment in someone and dress sexy and all that...I really do want that.  But, right now all that I am is a widow, a mom, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a high school principal, an aspiring writer, a child of God, a struggling woman.  I am still so broken that I am not enough for someone new, but the problem is, I'm not sure when someone new will be enough for me.

I love you, Michael and I want to one day find happiness and some sort of peace.  I hope the sun is shining on your brightly.

NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica