The truth is, sometimes I don't know what to post because many days feel the same as all the others: full of depression, sorrow, regret, anger, exhaustion, fear, and so on.
I think man, I'm going to push someone over the edge if they keep reading the same sad story. But it is part of a widow's truth. There are many truths in a widow/widower's world.
Life is difficult for everyone and we don't want anyone's sympathy in thinking our life is MORE difficult than yours. It's just that our difficult is "different" because we do not have that one true person with whom we literally shared EVERYTHING anymore. I don't have Mike to come home to and vent to about work. I don't have Mike to share my secret fears with, my secret fantasies with, my happiness with. I don't have Mike to flirt and giggle with, to sit beside on the couch, to look at with genuine pride and love. When I have a bad day, do you know what I have to do? Keep it to myself. My 11-year-old son does not need to be subjected to all of my woes, but unfortunately he can usually tell with just one look that I wish his daddy were here. Just know that we don't think we are worse off than any of you; we wish our spouse was here to share all of our difficulties and all of our triumphs.
Other truths I am so afraid of knowing. Will my sadness ever go away? Will this stupid IRS audit ever go away? Will I have anything left when it does? Will we ever get a relationship with Tristan again like it used to be? Will Conner ever be ok enough to come off his medicine? Will it be completely devastating to my son when he has only a small fraction of the farm to play on? Will Tristan let him have free roam over the rest of the farm once it is his and not ours? Will I EVER get out of debt????? Will I get back to "ok" enough to want to be social again instead of just wanting to spend my days holed up in my safe cocoon with just me and my son? Would Mike be proud of me?
I know Mike is beyond proud of Conner, except for that arguing thing he still does with his momma every day! ugh... Mike's pride for his sons is unquestionable. Conner is extremely smart and has the SWEETEST personality when he wants to! He makes friends easily and has a heart of gold. Tristan is working and going to school and just got a new job for the summer that will help him in his major. So, Mike's pride for his boys is undeniable and I know it.
But what about me? I worry that he wouldn't be proud of how I'm handling the sadness. I'm not "bouncing back" like he would expect me to. But, all in time I've been told. There just is no definitive answer of how much time. I told a friend yesterday, who just joined this crappy club, that all the advice I could give him is to just breathe and rely on God; hold his son tightly and just take it one step at a time. Well, that's what I'm trying to do too, but some days, even after almost 15 months, make it more difficult to breathe than others.
The truth is, no one has it right. No one "does" widowhood right. We each just do it the best we can and try to make it through the days. My biggest fear of doing something wrong is with my son. I wish more than anything I could give him back his childhood and his daddy. I wish more than anything that I could be the kind of mom I used to be, that I could be happy again, and silly again, and cry less and laugh more, and have energy to leave this house, and so on and so on...
Just try to walk in Grace my friends, and pray. Every.Single.Day. Pray, pray and pray some more.
I love and miss you baby, more than words can ever say. It's difficult for those on the outside to understand. But I'm trying baby. I'm trying to come out of this alive. I just miss you beyond any measure of this world.
I hope the sun is shining on your handsome face today. I can see that beautiful, perfect smile and can hear your laughter while you share stories with your dad.
I love you NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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