I'm So FRIGGIN' Angry!!!!!

I am so incredibly sick of being a member of the WORST CLUB EVER!!!! It royally ticks me off! I don't WANT to be a Widow! I don't WANT to be a SOLO parent, or to pay all these Godforsaken bills on my own! I don't WANT to get so depressed that I eat fifty thousand pounds of food in front of me just because otherwise I feel like I might go crazy! I don't WANT to get so tired and exhausted from missing my husband that I end up turning what could be a perfectly blessed day into a bad day because of a sour mood that I take out on everyone, especially on my son! I'm sick of it! All of it! 

I'm sick of not being ME! The me I used to be was WAY more fun than the me that exists now! My friends Are amazing dancers and love to dance and be silly just for fun. I can't even dance with them! Used to I would have had no problem just getting out there and being silly with them. Now, I stand to the side and watch, almost like I'm watching from a distance miles away. 

Used to I enjoyed taking walks around the farm, down the gravel road just for the fresh air and little bit of exercise I would get. Now I don't want to walk. I don't want to move. I usually don't like to even go anywhere on the farm because it's too depressing. It's not his anymore. He isn't here working and I can't just pop over the hill and hang out with my husband on the farm. I don't want to be here some days! I still consider throwing a dart at a friggin' map and taking the heck off! 

Ugh I'm just so angry tonight! I'm mad that my husband left me with such a heavy load! It doesn't matter that he didn't mean to...we talked...no, I TRIED to get him to talk about getting things in order just in case. His answer was always that I was being morbid. Well what the F???? Now things are totally screwed up! He should have had things laid specifically out for which son got what, how things would be paid for, etc... But oh no. Now it's up to lawyers and a judge and IRS agents and Conner and I are trying to keep from sinking! He should have thought! He should have prepared better for the worst case scenario--him dying too soon and me being left alone. 

I hate so much that my day started ok and now I'm lying in bed fuming mad, clenching my jaw and feeling my neck and shoulder muscles tighten because I'm so freaking angry and TIRED! 

And Easter is tomorrow! You know what I've been thinking about instead of thinking about what I should be??? Which is that our amazing Savior rose from that terrible tomb just to give us eternal life!!!! What?!?! Why can't that be my focus???? What I've been thinking about is how angry I am that every. single. holiday. is now spent in a terrible frame of mind. 

My mind is flooded with the first Easter our baby boy got to hunt eggs and I remember he was holding my hand and would stop to pick up eggs as he saw them. Daddy was videotaping and bubba was running around in the back yard with Papa Gayle finding his own eggs. UGH!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to type cuss word after cuss word after cuss word! This is not fair! 

To me and to Conner, this is the worst thing ever! To Mike's mom and the rest of his family, this is the worst thing ever! He is gone. Forever. And yes, one day we all hope to see him again but we don't want to wait. We want him NOW! Here on Earth, back in our arms. And it makes me fighting mad!