You Should Be Here...

I feel like my life is a sad, country song that keeps playing on repeat.  And I'm the only one with the ear buds in, cranked to the highest volume, no one and nothing able to penetrate the sound.

Someone said something to me the other day, when spilling my guts about the hardships Conner and I are facing, and he said, "...and you're doing it all alone.  This would have been nothing if Mike was here. You guys would get through it no problem.  It wouldn't have broken you guys, only made you stronger.  I'm sorry."

He is right.

If you were here, none of this would be happening.  And if it was happening, you would hold my hand, reassure me, and we would walk into the future together.  You aren't here, but you should be here.

You should be here to watch our son grow and learn and become a young man.
You should be here to wrap your arms around me and listen to me complain about whatever.
You should be here beside me on this couch right now, looking over your glasses at the tv between looking online at something random.
You should be part of all my school functions, where most employees bring their spouses.
You should be here to reassure me that we will be ok.
You should be here to hold my hand and give me little kisses while we are out on a date.
You should be beside me in our bed, rolling over and snoring through the night.
You should be here to have our morning cup of coffee.
You should be here to make me excited about coming home every evening.

I could go on and on with things that you SHOULD be here for, but what good will it do me?

I miss you.  I miss happiness and love and safety.  I miss assurance and laughter and flirting.

What in the world and where in the world am I supposed to go from here?

Sometimes I seriously consider just picking up and moving.  Nobody knows that...well everybody knows that now...  But, I do.  Some days things are so lonely and the familiarity just makes it lonelier. Sometimes I think of just starting over, and I don't mean in a neighboring town.

Conner and I visited one of my high school friends and her husband in Oklahoma City, well a suburb of it, over Christmas break and I honestly thought...well, this place isn't bad.  I could learn this small city well.  I could get a job doing so many different things; it wouldn't even have to be in education. But I'm sure I could get my Missouri certificate transferred to Oklahoma. I could get my son and me a little apartment or a small house.  We could go out places with my high school friend and her husband and I'm sure they could introduce us to people.  We could start from scratch.

But I'm not brave enough.  I'm not strong enough.

If you were here I would be strong and brave. If only you were here.

I can't write much more tonight; I'm so exhausted.  Emotionally, mentally, and physically drained does not even begin to cover it. So, rest well my husband.  Dream of me tonight and I will meet you in my dreams.  Hold me tight and cover me in kisses as I drift off to sleep.  Whisper how much you love me just like you used to every day.  Bring me happiness if only for a night.  You should be here. I shouldn't be having to dream of you.

I am yours and you are mine.  Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity.
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica