I have been broken for a little over a year now. Broken and devastated beyond recognition at times. I have been left with a debt load that no teacher or principal salary will ever come close to covering. I have been left to be a SOLO parent...yes solo, not single. There is a massive difference.
I have cried myself to sleep too many times to count and have offered up infinite prayers to take the pain and loneliness away. I have held our little boy close to me as he has wailed for the loss of his best friend, his hero.
I have lost more sleep than I know what to do with. I have worked like a dog both on this farm and in my career to keep things going for me and our son. I have moved cows, fed cows, worked cows, mowed fences, sprayed fences, and much more.
I have payed my husband's debts and learned way too many things about probate court, estates, and lawyers. I have also learned so many things about people I once thought I could trust. People I thought cared about me and my son.
And you know what? I'm ticked off. I'm mad. Like, fighting mad at times. I've done it all right; I've been the "model widow". I've followed the rules, played this terrible never-winning game, and lost more than I ever imagined when I lost my husband.
So, instead of supporting, praying for, or offering love and encouragement to, some choose to offer betrayal. I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of widowhood. I wish I could quit.
I'm tired of being lonely and sad, of crying every single day, of having dreams of him so vividly that I wake shaking, of raising our son alone, of doubting my chance at happiness. I'm tired of believing when someone speaks that I can trust what they say. I'm tired of being the topic of others' negative conversations.
But you know what?
It's all ok. God has this.
I won't lie; it's a struggle staying the course everyday. It's a struggle to keep it together and not just throw my hands up and run away. It's a struggle not to fall into the trap of vicious rumors.
But I won't veer off course. I won't throw my hands up. I won't run away. I won't fall into the trap of evil.
I still love my husband. More than words.
One terrible realization I have is that probably every young widow has been the subject of vicious rumors at one point in her journey.
"Oh I heard she's sleeping with so and so..."
"Oh I heard she blew all that life insurance on a new car and a vacation to the Bahamas..."
"I heard she's gone off the deep end and doesn't even leave the house..."
"I heard she's trying to hide things from other people in the family..."
These are just the terribly hurtful things I imagine evil could bring to others' tongues. And it ticks me off; not just for me but also for my widow sisters.
Widowhood is devastating. It breaks us down into the pits of nothingness and forces us to live a new and unwanted life. The least others could do is respect us. Help us. Pray for us. Respect our husband who we loved more than words. Help our children. Pray for our children.
That's how you help a widow heal. It takes time.
She's going to look awful and sometimes not leave her house. Her best friend and love of her life was just ripped from her grips.
She's going to forget lots of things, even important dates and events she should know by heart.
She's got too many bills, and a child to raise alone to be blowing money left and right.
She is still in love with the man she married and can't just turn that off even though he's in the cold, hard ground.
So if you know any widows, whether in person or just from following this blog, offer up words of encouragement. Offer up prayers. Offer up love and compassion.
Because what if it was you?
I am now, forever and always times infinity...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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