You are missed so incredibly much. With each passing day, I've been told the grief will lessen and the pain will dull. But, today I cried in Hobby Lobby when looking at wooden signs and one had a message about love. My mind instantly flooded with thoughts of us and my heart broke all over again.
I would have followed you anywhere, ya know? I wanted nothing more than to make you happy. I wanted to hold onto you forever and to make a life with you during which we could both grow old. I wanted to sit with you on our porch and watch a million sunsets across the horizon.
I never planned to bury you way before what we thought it should be. I never imagined your life ending at the young age of 44. I guess I was scared and worried often about you; I knew you always pushed yourself beyond anyone else's limits, but I was so naive in thinking it would never happen. You convinced me it wouldn't. It was that Marine Corps mentality that I blamed: invincibility.
I'm sorry for all the things we didn't get to do or see. I'm sorry for all the memories we won't be able to make now.
I think about you literally all day, every day. Even when it's a good day and I've smiled and laughed, or worked really hard and stayed busy, I think of you. I think about how you would be proud of me in my new role as a principal. But then I also think that if you were still here, we would never see each other due to all of my supervision duties.
But even with all the things that distract me, baby, you never leave my mind.
Remember all the times we lay beside each other, just talking until late into the night? I remember we used to talk about our future, of our plans to grow old together. I remember how your hazel eyes could literally melt me, every single time. Remember all the times we drove to a spot on the old farm or here on this one, and we would just park the truck, sit and talk? We would look up at the stars and you would always get this dreamy look on your face and your eyes would glisten with peace and happiness.
I was your home. I was your safe place. And you were mine.
I miss you so much still and even though it's been a little over a year, I absolutely can't believe some days that you're really gone. It's so weird. I've even changed a few things in the house to make it feel a little different; however, no coat of paint can cover the memories in each of these rooms.
You were always so proud of a well-kept house. It made me proud to know you loved the way I kept our house clean and decorated. I've been slacking on that lately, but luckily our moms help me out some.
I went to visit you the day that marked one year. I couldn't stay long. I just couldn't. It was crazy how the cows gathered close to the fence just like they did they day we said our final goodbyes.
It is a beautiful cemetery, and sometimes I like to just lay in the sunshine for a while. It's been so cold lately I haven't been there much. In the spring I'll visit more. I'll lay beside you on a warm, sunny day and just lay there. I'll place my hand on your tombstone like so many times before.
We won't need to talk. You'll know what I'm feeling. That's the way it's been for so long with us. You knew how much I loved you and needed you and wanted you; I knew the same from you. I'm so thankful there was no shadow of doubt in either of our hearts the day you left.
There's a new song out that reminds me of us, "Die a Happy Man." It sings of how even if this man never gets to do all the things he dreamed of, as long as he has the hand of the woman he loves, he can die a happy man. I hope you were happy; I hope you knew no pain. I hope it happened so quickly that my worst fears are only terrible figments of my imagination and nothing of the truth. I hope you saw me and your boys, smiling and laughing as you drifted into Heaven.
But I'll never know. I can only hope. And I hope good things for Conner's and my future. I hope one day to be happy again; to smile and laugh so freely and more often than now. I hope to live an adventurous life with our little boy and to teach him humility. I hope so many things for our son's future that I can't even scratch the surface.
I love you Michael, more than words. And I'm still so proud to be your wife. I'm so proud to have spent 13 years beside you, living and loving all the way. I am grateful for the life you showed me, for the lessons you taught me, and for the love you bestowed upon me. I am so grateful to have been your wife on Earth for 11 years. And I will be your wife now, forever, an always times infinity. It won't matter if eventually a new person comes into my life, or even if I remarry. You will always be my husband and I will always be your wife. Maybe there is a good man out there somewhere who can accept that, can accept that you'll always be a part of me and I'll never let that go.
I miss you, husband. I miss us. I miss life.
I better go for now. Exhaustion is settling in and out bed is calling my name.
I hope you're looking at the stars tonight and are smiling at all the times we sat in the field, in the old Toyota, falling more in love each time. You are my forever.
I love you baby. I'll see you in my dreams.
NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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