I lost every sense of security. I am afraid all the time of what will end up happening to my son and me. Will we be financially ok? Will we lose everything but maybe our house? Can I do justice to this solo parenting gig? Am I going to permanently screw up with Conner?
I lost my confidence. Mike complimented me every day, no matter if I looked a mess from just waking up or if I was glammed up after begging him to attend a prom with me. He truly thought I was beautiful whether I had "raccoon eyes" from smudged mascara, or freshly highlighted hair glistening in the sunlight. He made me truly believe that he thought I was beautiful. It didn't matter that I never believed it; I had finally found a man who did.
I lost the peace inside my heart. I struggle every single day, no matter that it's been a little more than one year; I am so lost without him. I want to move forward some days but most of my days are spent missing him and all that we weathered together. My heart aches and rebreaks all day, every day. I wish it wouldn't but it doesn't listen to me.
I lost my desire to go out and see people and do things with anyone other than my son. And on most days when we are not in school, you'll find us holed up in this house. I have no desire to go anywhere most of the time; I'm not nearly as extroverted as I used to be.
I lost my desire to talk. Really to anyone. I text way more often than I talk with anyone. I often times ignore calls; not because I don't care about the person calling, but mostly because I haven't the energy to lie and fake it and pretend we are doing well. If people really heard the truth when they ask, "how are you doing?"...boy howdy...they would never call again and would probably fall into a dark depression. I just don't want to talk. I'm quiet now.
I lost so much in Mike when he left. I lost my best friend, my right hand man, my wingman. I lost my favorite voice, my softest kiss, my imperfectly perfect love.
I lost me.
A part of me will never return because it died with him. The Veronica who walked proudly into a room whenever her husband was beside her is now gone. She is weaker now, more vulnerable, less sure, less happy. She is broken into a million pieces, shattered against the shock of losing her husband on a normal freaking Monday. She is in a darker place now, and even through she smiles and laughs, there is and will always be a tinge of pain.
The Veronica who married Mike on an insanely beautiful August evening no longer exists. And I liked her. She was happy. She was secure. She was sure that she was loved as deeply by a man as she loved him. She felt safe and comfortable. Life was not always sunshine and roses, but it was theirs.
It's so very difficult to stay positive. One day I post something profound and seemingly healing, and the next I feel like a bottomless pit of anguish. I just miss my husband so freaking much.
I love you more than words baby...NFAxI
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
No comments:
Post a Comment