Cruelty and Kindness...

Cruelty could best be defined as something someone does or says which causes pain or suffering to another, usually intentionally. 

Kindness might be defined as being generous, friendly or considerate, even when it's easier or faster to not be. 

Both cruelty and kindness mean so much to a widow; they mean so much to her child(ren). 

This past year has brought me a vast array of instances of both cruelty and kindness. I have seen such an outpour of generosity that still brings me to tears when it comes our way. And then I have seen such deliberate, evil and malicious things happen or have heard of them being said that the tears also come.  In the past year I have experienced such a range of emotions and unfortunately not one of them has been happiness. Sure, I've laughed and smiled, but have not felt one true ounce of happiness. I am unsure when I ever will experience true happiness again...or IF I ever will.  

And the reasons are because even through the gracious kindness of others, there is an ever present pang of torture inside my belly and heart because my husband, my soul mate, my best friend, is gone and he cannot experience this kindness toward us. Another reason is due to the malicious ill-intent of so many people and much of it stems from greediness, jealousy, and just pure unadulterated hate. And it's interesting how NONE of this ridiculous cruelty happened when my husband was here. And I can't do anything about that and IT SUCKS! 

The cruelty my son and I have experienced has come in a range of measures. It is cruel to spread lies about a widow. It is cruel to pretend you care and then when you get a text simply asking if her child can play with yours, you choose not to respond...like EVER... It is cruel to wish for her to lose everything so that your scavenging hands can land on it all. It is cruel to say you are a friend but then forget she exists when she needs your friendship the most. The cruelty list could go on and on and on... 

But thank God we have been blessed more than we deserve and are humbled by the kindness that comes our way. It is so generous of others who have donated to my husband's scholarship fund in the past couple of months. It is so considerate to get weekly texts from the true friends we have, just checking on us. It is kind when someone sees us out at a restaurant and pays for our dinner without me knowing until I ask for the check. 

I love those kindness moments. One came tonight when I received a phone call from a friend whose church is donating one year's worth of scholarship money (that is enough for TWO kids who will be awarded in my husband's name). I cried at the restaurant table where I received the call. I love the little pick-me-up texts from one of my oldest friends and smile when her text comes through at work reading, "hope you're having a good week!" Her texts never fail! They come weekly, like clock work! I love you Martha!!!! 

I love the times my family or friends have cooked us dinner, (sorry for all the self-invites we've inflicted on you guys! ;) I love the hard work that some people put out to help keep what little bit of livestock I have fed and watered. Taking extra time out of their day to drive to the farm and do whatever so that I'm ok is such a selfless, Christian act. And especially for absolutely nothing but my "thank you" in return. And even with these small and large acts of kindness, the cruelty sometimes overshadows them. 

Sometimes I want to run away from this place. The cruelty gets to be too much. It drains me and I'm already drained emotionally, mentally and physically. And I just feel like, why kick someone when she's down???!!!! Do people think I haven't experienced enough pain that they need to inflict more???!!!! I have done nothing but work my butt off to keep what I can, to honor my husband who I knew better than anyone else did, to raise our son by myself, to pay all the bills alone, to maintain a house, to work full time, and so much more. Do people really not see that? 

I wonder if people could see more of the reality of my son's and my daily lives, would they be less cruel and be more kind? I wonder if they saw all the times we cry...or all the times we pray for some sort of relief...or all the sleepless nights...the empty smiles because we're missing him so much...the medication we just weaned ourselves from because we cannot depend on a drug to bring us to the other side...the utter silence that fills our home now...the fears that run wild on our minds and in our hearts...I wonder. 

God has told us over and over again to just believe. To trust, to just hold on. I'm trying with all of my might. Some days are most definitely more difficult than others. Today has been one of those days. Today I want to throw a dart at a map and pack. Today I want to start fresh somewhere else instead of stay here being tortured every day by Mike's absence and cruelty's presence. Today I want to hide with my son and forget about the world. I literally would. Today. 

But I'll keep hoping that things will one day look up. That our lives will be filled with forgiveness and happiness and love. That we will know what it's like to be a happy family again. 

Until then, I beg you to lift us up in prayer. We pray every night but we believe in the power of prayer. Maybe if we all pray hard enough, others' cruelty will stop not just toward this widow and her son, but toward all widows and their children! Maybe if we all pray hard enough, hearts and souls can heal. 

Until I see you again baby...you are mine and I am yours...

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica