In My Dreams...

You come to me in my dreams. 

Sometimes I dream that we are in a huge fight, yelling and screaming, and breaking up. I guess that's my mind's way of trying to force myself to accept that you're gone. 

Other times my dreams are like our life used to be. Last night was like it used to be.

We had arranged for Conner to have a sitter. The house was lit with candles and I had dressed especially for you. I was wearing a black dress and black heels. My hair was down and curled, just like you loved it. My makeup was applied perfectly with just the perfect tint of pink lipstick. 

Dinner was cooked and in the oven to stay warm and a bottle of wine was chilled and ready to pour.  When you walked into the house, exhausted and tired from your day's work, you smiled as you saw me round the corner. I had soft music playing in the background and I came to you and kissed you hello. 

Right there in our kitchen we slow danced. You in your beat up boots and dirty clothes, your left arm wrapped around my waist and your right hand holding my left. 

I let my fingers gently lace through yours and let my right hand rest on your shoulder. You smiled and talked low, telling me what a nice surprise it was to come home to a woman who loved you and wanted to make you happy. 

It felt so good to have you in my arms and for me to be wrapped in yours. I woke crying, hating myself for dreaming this dream. It hurts so badly to dream of how life used to be and I can't imagine ever slow dancing with anyone else in our kitchen. 

Time is not making things easier or less painful. Luckily work is a great distraction but when I'm not there, my mind travels to you every second. It seems that everywhere I go, and no matter who is with me, I become misty eyed because I look around and feel so alone. 

I wonder how long I will feel this way? I wonder how long my life will seem incomplete? You were my world...my safe place...my best friend and confidant...my fighting partner who was worth fighter for...my soul mate. 

I miss your hands around me; I miss our slow dances in the kitchen; I miss our love and marriage and friendship and plans of forever. 

Until I see you again, I'll be loving you. 

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica