The first candle represents our grief. We still grieve every day over losing him. We move through the days mostly ok, but sometimes it still puts a knot in our stomachs, and an uncontrollable shake in our hands. It still brings us to our knees and pours sobs of sadness over us.
The second candle represents our courage. I don't feel courageous at all, but I know that God's blessing of courage is what is keeping us going. It takes strength every day to rise from bed and face this new life head on. Many days I don't want to; I want to stay hidden in my pjs, under a blanket, away from the world. And sometimes I have those days. I just had one last weekend and I literally took two naps because my sadness just exhausts me. But, there are so many widows and children who have lost the strongest person they know, and it takes courage for any family to take one step forward.
The third candle represents our memories of Mike. Conner has so many wonderful memories of his dad over the 10 years he had with him, and I have so many over the 13 years I had with him. Those memories are what keep us going some days; they are what bring us to tears many days as well. Sometimes in the middle of a normal day, a simple memory of a time Mike and I had been somewhere or done something will wash over me. We have perfect memories of birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and tiny every day amazing memories that will never die.
The fourth candle represents our love...both the love that Mike had for us and the love that we still have for him. That love will never dim. And there are so many days that we can feel Mike's love still with us when it comes in the sunshine from above, or the warm breeze on our cheeks. We feel it when his favorite song plays on the radio at just the right moment. We feel it when we lay down at night and say our prayers together. Mike's love has not left us and ours will never leave him. He carried our love all the way to Heaven with him, I just know he did. He had not one doubt the magnitude of our love for him. And we do not have one doubt of his love for us.
So, Conner and I created this display the other day and have lit the candles every day since. We will light them every day through the New Year so that we can make sure whoever comes to visit us will know that Mike's love and memories will live on every day with us.
The Holidays are difficult. We didn't really know what Thanksgiving Day would hold and weren't sure of our final plans, and we really even aren't sure as I sit here writing this morning. Conner is laying beside me playing on his phone. We have discussed stopping by each grandparent's house for a brief visit, then going to watch a movie. We have thought about just skipping every family member's house and going straight to a movie and dinner, just the two of us. We have considered going to a friend's house to visit and play with the kids. But, we don't know what the day will hold. Right now we are enjoying the peace and quiet, laying around, doing nothing productive. Maybe that will be what our day holds, I don't know.
One thing I do know though is that we are thankful beyond measure for all of the offers from family and friends to spend the day with us. There have been countless offers and it means the world to us to be loved that much.
Today, and through all of the upcoming Holidays, we wish all of the widows and children of lost parents a very blessed Thanksgiving. It isn't easy to be without the person you love so much. But, I hope that you can find peace through prayer and that you are surrounded by love today.
I love you baby and we miss you being beside us through every day. I hope sunshine and warmth wraps around you today as you sit on a green hillside, watching down on us. I see you with that wonderful contagious smile of yours and your hazel eyes glistening almost golden. Happy Thanksgiving, baby...We will keep the candles burning.
#stillhis
Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...
Love,
Veronica
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