I'm trying too. I'm trying not to hate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mondays in general, the 29th of every month, and so on. I'm trying not to hate being a single mom, or myself. I'm trying not to hate all of the debt I was left with and all of the responsibilities that came with this huge debt load. I'm trying not to hate the man I've never even met, who answered my husband's phone that day and told me he had passed away. I really am trying.
I spoke with my mom earlier today and she told me something that makes it even harder not to hate myself as a widow.
She told me that my son was sitting at the table the other day, a day when I was at a principal conference in a different town and he stayed the day with Grandma. He sat at the table and was making a rubber band ball. Mom was watching TV and Conner said, "Grandma...I miss Dad. When Dad was here he would have been sitting right here beside me with his laptop and would have looked over here and said, 'I love you, son, and you have an incredible imagination.' I sure wish he was here. And if Mom was ok, Grandma, I will be ok. God helps me be ok, but I just need Mom to be ok and then I can be too."
Wow. I have obviously failed to epic proportions since my husband passed away. I have cried so much. I have withdrawn myself from so many people and places and things from our past life. It is a past life, one that is not ours anymore. Conner and I have a new life, whether it is one for which we planned or not. Whether it is one for which we are prepared or not, it is ours. Just me and him.
I have spent so many days, still dressed in my pajamas, taking a nap when I could, watching TV in silence, staying in the recliner while my little boy played in the floor alone. While he watched TV in the other room. While he went to our bedroom and played X-Box.
My depression, my sadness, my loneliness has got to step aside so that I can go back to being a mom. That was my dream all along...to be a mom. My entire life. Mike may have left me to finish the job alone, but God has never left me. I have turned my cheek to Him, tried to ignore the tug on my heart to return to a church these last few months. I have tried to pretend my faith is still strong and that I am still a good mom.
But, all of the pretending is doing me no good. So, today I have to change things. I have to set my mind straight. I cannot fail. I cannot let my little boy grow, thinking his mom will never be ok again; worrying that Mommy will be said forever and that we will never be genuinely happy again. I love my husband with all of my heart; I miss him with every fiber of my being. But, it's time I let his memory live inside my heart as a driving force to do better, not to give up and sit idly by as my son grows up without the mom I was born to be.
I love you Conner Luin, and Daddy does too. I promise Mom will do better; I promise I will not let sadness and fear control our lives one more day. I'm not saying it won't take hold and shake me every now and then, but it will not tighten its grip around me and hold on every day.
I love you baby and am going to keep my promise to you the day you left me and I held your hand closely. I promised that day and the day we lowered you into the cold December ground that I would do my best to raise our boy alone. So, here goes.
NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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