A Little Advice...

There are many things not to say to a widow or to a widow's child.  There are many things not to do, or to do.  You will never know a 100% right answer on "widow etiquette".  But, maybe some advice from a widow will help.  

"That happened like at Christmas, right?  Shouldn't you be over it by now?" -- asked of Conner about 2 months after Mike passed away.  

My son didn't have an answer that day, but excused himself to the bathroom to cry for about 10 minutes afterward.  I had a talk with the child's principal to let her know what the boy said to Conner.  

"You didn't kill him, did you?" -- asked of me at a recent conference when I ran into someone from high school.  This douche bag said this to me after hugging me hello and asking who I married after high school.  I said my ex-husband's name first and said that we had divorced 5 years later, then I married Mike.  I said that he will be gone one year next month and this was the idiot's response; I was so stunned at the stupidity of the person who stood before me and flash backed to high school and why I always thought he was a douche.  Thought confirmed that he has not grown up.  He tried to apologize later, but that was a futile attempt.  I don't care how many times he wants to say sorry...who in their right mind would ask that question???

"Well, I think he was flirting with you." -- stated to me while out running errands with someone. Seriously?  This was just a few months after I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate, and you want to tell me you think someone is flirting with me!?  I don't give a flying flip if Blake Shelton is standing in front of me completely naked, holding a dozen roses and a diamond the size of Texas...other men's opinion of me or their meager attempts at being nice (sometimes flirty) does not matter one teeny tiny bit.  Do NOT tell me that someone is flirting with me....I DON'T CARE if they are. There is no desire to move away from my husband at this point, so do not tell me what you think is good about a man flirting with me.  He better just move on, because I am not reciprocating any flirting.  

"I just want you to be happy." -- said multiple times to me.  Well, you know what?  I want to be happy too, but that would involve my dead husband never having died.  It would require time to be turned back and Mike to be here and breathing and well and alive and laughing and smiling and loving me like he did before he left.  So, I get that you care about me and worry about me and WANT for me to be happy again...SOMEDAY...but NOT TODAY.  It's just not going to happen this quickly.  

"You doing ok?" -- asked of both of us. NO.  We are not "ok". We are some days barely hanging on.  We still break down and cry often.  We talk about Mike and miss every ounce of him being in our lives. We pray every night for more strength and understanding and acceptance.  However, I still do not feel strong.  I still do not understand why my husband had to be taken from us so soon or why he went the way he went.  I cannot accept that he is gone.  

"I know you love him, but things weren't always that great and you need to remember that too."  -- Are you F-ing kidding me?  I know that my husband and I did not have the perfect marriage...no one has that.  But you know what we did have?  Passion and love enough that even though we fought tooth and nail sometimes, and even almost divorced once, we knew what we were fighting for. And our ebb and flow over the years made our marriage strong and one to be envied.  You don't need to remind me that we had our bad times.  You don't need to remind me that we almost broke a few times, or that he wasn't the perfect man. I am not the perfect woman either.  And our imperfectness made our love and marriage the best that we either one had ever known before.  So, yeah...I do remember all of the bad moments and the not so awesome characteristics of my husband, but those MEAN NOTHING to me now.  He was ripped from me in the blink of an eye and I did not get a say in it.  I did not get to decide to end my marriage.  It was taken from me.  And so, all of the bad "stuff" is irrelevant.  I miss my husband.  ALL OF HIM.  Period.

I know that there are books, news articles, and blogs out there that address what NOT to say to a widow.  These are just a few.  

Here is what I have learned through my journey thus far about what to say and what not to say. 

There is no handbook.

There are no rules.

Just be kind.

Just love us.

Cry with us when we need you to.

Laugh with us when we need that too.

Offer to cook us dinner.

Don't even offer, just show up.

Don't QUIT SHOWING UP or CHECKING ON US.  The months that pass don't make it easier.

Don't forget about us.

Pray for us.

Take us places.

Do odd jobs for us when we need it around the house and don't wait for us to ask for help.

Help us.  

Send us little reminders that we are loved.

Listen to us when we need to vent, cry, cuss, scream, ask questions, or tell stories.

Sit with us in silence when we don't feel like talking.

Don't talk to us about a new partner until we bring it up.  That means we MIGHT be ready.

Don't be disappointed if we cancel plans...sometimes emotions take hold of us and we just can't.

Keep inviting us places and one day, we will be able to accept and hold to it.  We will eventually be strong enough to show up.

Be patient with us...there is no time table to grief.  

Don't be offended if we don't want to do things with you and your spouse yet...it's absolutely nothing personal...just makes us wish ours was here.  We will enjoy our time with married friends one day again.  Just not so soon.

Check on us during those special anniversaries, and birthdays.  

DON'T call the passing of our spouse an "anniversary".  It is a terrible date and we might just call it the one year "mark"...the two year "mark"...etc...  I will not ever call it an anniversary.

Excuse us when we walk around looking like a zombie in mismatched clothes and unkempt hair.

Don't tell us we look great after we have lost or gained 20 pounds due to grief.  We didn't mean to. We didn't work for it.  It is just happening as our sadness grips us and our appetites every day.

Defend us to others if they start talking crap about our lives.  

If they are not our close family or friends, our new normal is none of their business.

Don't expect an automatic "new normal" from us.  We don't know what we are doing and are barely navigating life, let alone settling into any semblance of normality yet.  

So, I guess I just had a few things to get off my chest tonight.  I hope that it helps someone out there, whether that is a widow/er or a friend/family member of a widow/er, or a child who has lost a parent. 

Baby, I miss you with every fiber of my being and wish so much that I did not know any of this "advice" to give to any one.  

I love you Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...

#stillhis

Love, 

Veronica