A Requested Post...

Widows.
Widowers.
A special group of people who immediately form a bond even if living a million miles and lifetimes apart.
A family who supports each other in all endeavors from what outfit looks good for a first date, to parenting concerns when our children are struggling with their grief, to matters of the heart trying to fall in love again, to writing our raw feelings on a page...feelings that we ALL get!
That's what we do.

I have recently received several encouraging and requesting messages from widows and widowers, some of whom I've met in person and some of whom I have only connected via social media. Because of all of these messages I decided to write a new post to address them.

One widow, in her early stages of this crappy club, reached out to me in desperation. Her heart is so badly broken, like all of ours. She does not understand how life can go on at this point. She does not understand or want to accept that it eventually will. We have ALL been there. Here is what I told her, in hopes that she will accept that in time, and that may unfortunately be a long time, she will smile again.

--Dear sweet wister, I know. I get it.
In the beginning, you feel nothing but pain like you have never felt before, sorrow that rips through your soul, regret that eats at your heart every minute, fear of the unknown future that now lays before you, uncertainty of every.single.move. you make, confusion that is warranted with so many things like life insurance, estate laws, and just how in the world you ended up a widow, and an emptiness more vast than the oceans.

Those first few days, weeks, and months there is nothing positive in your life, even as much as you wish there was, even as much as you try your best to look for it. It does not exist. Even when you look into your children's eyes, your joy has been tainted. You've been robbed of happiness, hope, and security. Every single thing brings pain. Lack of want is gone. All you want is to stay in bed, avoid everyone and everything, give up on life because life without your soulmate is not worth living.
Your body aches from the grief. Your heart literally hurts. Your hands shake, your eyes burn, your stomach churns, and your soul withers away into nothingness.

Your thoughts fixate on how it happened. Were you forced to watch your soulmate suffer through a terrible disease, trying your best to hang on as long and as tightly as possible, knowing that death was impending but not willing to accept it? Or did you receive a phone call one normal day only to learn a terrible accident had taken him/her unexpectedly? Or did you come home to find that this person with whom you shared all of yourself decided life with you was not enough and so chose to end it by his/her own hand? It does not matter how we lost; we all suffer the same. And you relive every single detail down to the seconds. Your mind replays it like an old subtitle movie, silently and in painstakingly slow motion, the details etched in words you cannot form yourself.

Your mind wanders to the future. What future? You cannot see one without your husband/wife. You cannot fathom how a smile or a laugh will ever grace your lips. You cannot imagine how your children will ever lead a "normal" or "happy" life, especially if they are young at the time. You become angry that you are alone now. How dare he/she die? How dare he/she leave us when life is what we had always imagined and worked for? When things are so good? In the prime of our lives with a beautiful home, beautiful children, beautiful plans of growing old together! HOW in the world did this just happens???? And why us?

I promise that we all get it. Every bit of it.

But I also promise that your grief WILL become easier to handle. Will it ever go away? No. It won't. But what grief will do is find a space inside you to live. See, grief and love go hand in hand. Without the love, grief would not exist. It exists because we had a love so powerful and pure and perfect here on Earth and though that love will never end, it is no longer tangible and that creates grief.

Grief comes when we can no longer experience first hand the love of our soulmate. So, the love stays alive inside us and the grief becomes its roommate. They nestle together side by side in our hearts and souls, each one breathing with every heartbeat.

Grief is strong. She is powerful and mighty and cares not about what damage she does to us in the beginning. Grief takes pride in trying to swallow us whole those first few days, weeks and months. She doesn't care that she rips through every wall we've ever built, every dream we ever shared, every ounce of love we ever poured out. She does not care. Pardon the language, but Grief is a bitch. She does her absolute best to rob us of ever feeling joy and happiness again. She is relentless in her quest to break us.

But I PROMISE you that Love is stronger. Love is gentle but packs a good punch to Grief's ugly mug. Love begins to infiltrate Grief's defenses after a while. She brings with her sweet memories. She brings with her hope and a desire to breathe again. Love tells us we are worthy of life, that we are more than the damage Grief has done to us, that we are more than our loss. Love tells us that we MUST do something good. She puts on our hearts a desire to help others like us, to pour our stories out onto pages and pages, hoping and praying that our stories help others just like us. Love gives us purpose. Purpose to continue raising our children with grit and grace, teaching them to love hard and forgive often. Love forces us to get up from that bed, take hold of what days we have been given, and tell Grief to simmer down.

Love caresses Grief into gentle submission, telling her to grow smaller so that our hearts can heal. She becomes Grief's roommate, the kind of roommate who says, "ok, you can stay here as long as you don't get too wild with your grief parties. I know every once in a while you have to let it out and that's ok, but then you better clean up after yourself and chill for a while after. This is NOT your domain. We live here together and you will not tear this heart down. You will not bulldoze it and create an empty space where I once lived. I still live here and I will forever."

And once Love and Grief work out their issues, you begin to feel a change. You learn truly and deeply within yourself that Love is stronger than Grief, no matter how different that seemed a year before. You smile more often. You laugh a genuine laugh. You pull on your "big girl panties" and you go and do and learn and create and work toward a new normal. Of course, since Grief is never moving out, she is stronger some days more than others. Big dates, like birthdays, anniversaries, and such, usually mean Grief is home and Love is resting in her room, too tried to deal with Grief's shenanigans. But Love has discussed with Grief enough that the shenanigans are short lived. And then you wipe off the dust and take a deep breath as you put one foot in front of the other.

Grief and Love co-exist. And that's OK!!! It takes a while for them to get along, but I promise with every ounce of my being that they will. It will take time. It will take tears. It will take prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. But you'll get there. I promise.

Another message I received was from a widow, of whose husband I was an acquaintance through the administration world. She reached out after I sent her a Still His tee from our store. She thanked me for writing words that seemed to be exactly what words were in her heart. She thanked me for the shirt and for reaching out. She thanked me for being a voice to so many widows and widowers. Her message meant so much to me and it is messages like hers that let me know I'm doing what God wants me to do--help others.

 A widower also messaged me shortly after attending our first widowers only Still His Dinner Party (www.thedinnerparty.org). He thanked me for hosting and inviting him. He told me that for the first time since he lost his wife, he felt ALIVE again!! He said that his children noticed a change as soon as he returned home. He was able to laugh, cry, and share stories with like-minded people, all without faking it. He was so grateful and for that I am so grateful. We all have to learn to grow and live anew. It's so difficult, but when we support each other, nothing can stop us.

For example, blogger Erica Roman at ericaroman.me, recently wrote a blog post in defense of Patton Oswalt and his recent angagement. The support that our widowed community has shown Erica is phenomenal! And why? Because she wrote every word that we all felt!!! We all became instantly enraged when Mr. Oswalt became engaged, almost a year and a half after entering this ridiculous club, only to receive criticism and judgment from NON WIDOWS!!! Erica is so right and hit the nail on the head with shouting through her words that unless you are one of us, BACK OFF!!! How dare we allow our hearts to love again?! How dare we cherish every day we spent with our husband/wife but be willing to put ourselves out there, so vulnerable and broken, yet so in need of love again! We dare. We dare to live and love and laugh through the pain and by golly we deserve happiness!!!  Bravo Erica! And bravo Mr. Oswalt!! Best wishes for a beautiful life for you, your daughter and Ms. Salenger.

Widows.
Widowers.
A special family who lifts each other, supports each other, encourages each other, and never forsakes each other.

We get it.

I promise.

When I first lost Mike, I could not function. It was so difficult (like described above) to ever fathom life with a purpose. But I prayed every single day for strength to come. Every single day, multiple times a day. And little by little God sent it, until one day I began typing on my laptop, tears streaming down my face with every stroke. I poured myself out. I poured Grief and Love onto the keys in hopes that SOMEONE, ANYONE, would read it and know what I meant! That someone would read it and GET IT! Not judge me, not shun me, not act like I was bat-crap crazy! I hoped so much that I was not the only one to feel all that I felt. And I wasn't!!!! Immediately Love began pouring into me from messages, texts, social media shares, and my heart began to fill.

And then the business came. I met a beautiful soul, Kimberly, who was inspired by me. BY ME! She read my words and fell in love with my #stillhis because SHE GOT IT. She understood and appreciated the rawness of my writing and so together, we began this amazing little thing. And it felt so good to mean so much to someone on this same terrible journey. And together we have worked hard to make sure Love overpowers Grief as often as possible. We speak, we write, we create LOVE for other widows/widowers. Kimberly writes so many powerfully beautiful pieces at her blog, www.myrawemotion.com. She inspires me every day.

We have a mission in common: do our best to never allow another widow/widower to feel alone, isolated, or desperate. I could not ask for more than to be a worker for The Lord in reaching out to everyone I can. I will speak as often as asked, write when the words need to flow, and host widowed events for as long as I can. I now have a purpose to my pain and I'll not ever let that go.

And now, I work every day toward living life again. I am excited about the future. About falling in love again. About spending more quality time with my son. About spending more time with my family. About having less stress at work. About a future painted with more Love and less Grief. And all of you, all of my widow family, helped me get here!!!

So. Thank you sweet widowed family for reaching out. Thank you for encouraging me. You inspire me to be a better human, mother, wister, widow advocate, daughter, sister, friend, and soul. I thank you from the depths of my being. Sending so much love and light your way! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

#stillhis
Love, Roni