Wednesday, July 26, 2017

My 39th Without Him...

39 years.
Today.
My third birthday alone.
My third birthday since my husband died.
Left me alone to raise our son.
Left me alone to handle debt, cows, a farm, life.

Wow.
Who would have thought 39 years ago when this new tiny baby came into the world, that she would have to survive such heartache?
She would have to die, a part of her anyway.
She would have to sink to depths unimaginable.
She would have to wallow in the pits of depression, loneliness, grief and fear for so long.

But then she would have to crawl.
Dig.
Claw.
Slip.
Kick.
Scream.
Climb.
Fall again.
Only to rise from the ashes.

Who would have thought 39 years ago when this new tiny baby came into the world, that she would become so powerful?
And she didn't even know it.
She didn't know she had it in her.
She didn't know what she was capable of until she was forced to try.
On her own.
Alone.

Sure, her weaknesses still exist.
They are powerful.
Creatures of the night, stealing her smiles when she sits alone in the darkness.
Her weaknesses grow sometimes to epic proportions.
She cannot contain them.
She cannot extinguish their flames.
So instead, she gives her weaknesses to God.

She fails at that sometimes too, as we all do when worry, self-doubt, and anxiety are just part of human nature.
She fails to hand Him all of her troubles every day.
She wants to. She really does.
But the pain is so big.
The loss is so big.
The love remaining is so big.

But so is God.
Actually He is bigger.
His pain was much bigger.
His loss was much bigger.
His love remains endlessly on an epic scale.

So she knows she will be ok.
She knows she will continue growing, learning, loving, laughing, and living.
He has her.
And she is beyond grateful and blessed.

I feel Mike talking to me again.
So I decided to write a letter from him to me.
Yeah, it may be crazy, but there's so much of that intertwined with the life of a widow, so who cares. It's what I feel and it's what I KNOW he would say.

Hey Babe,

Happy Birthday.
I'm sorry I'm not there today. Wish I could have gotten you a candle, McDs for breakfast, and a card from me and the boys.
I always loved seeing your face light up when you walked in the kitchen and there sat your spread of goodies from us.

My gosh, I loved you.
I loved you so hard.
Harder than I ever thought I could.
I still do.
I know how quick we started. I know how scared we both were, and neither of us lookin' for anything.
You took me by surprise.

I miss the early morning talks in bed, before getting up for coffee to start our day.
I miss layin' there talking and laughing, flirting with each other like we were teenagers.
I miss holdin' your hand. I know I didn't hold it enough. I mean, in public anyway. Haha.

Thank you for always spoilin' me.
Thank you for loving me back with all of your heart and soul.
I know I was a hard man to love.
I know I hurt you sometimes and I was selfish with some things.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I left you with all I did.
I should've listened.
I should've stopped.
Know I had good intentions.
I mean, I know you know that, but I just really need you to keep remembering that.

I'm proud of you.
Do you know that?
How proud I am of you?
Look at you.
Look at what you've handled since I left.
Look at HOW you've handled it.
You amaze me.

Remember your dream the other morning?
The one that woke you up crying?
I was there.
It was me.
I just had to see you.
I had to bring you that memory.
That touch.
That closeness.
I miss you.

I'm so proud of you though.
Thank you for taking your time with things.
I want you to be careful.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to be loved, baby.
That may sound crazy comin' from me, but I do.
Remember how we talked about it some?
Time to move on if something should happen to one of us?
I know, I know, it's not movin' ON. I get it. I do.
But you know what I mean.

I remember us talkin' about it.
I told you 6 months max.
You slapped me on the arm when I said it because you knew that meant that was the longest I'd wait. Haha.
But 6 months. Remember?
Well babe, it's been a lot longer than 6 months.

I want you to love again.
And I want you to be loved again.
So hard.
Just as hard as I loved you.
Even harder.
Better.
Stronger.
Longer.

I want him to make you happy.
I want him to make our son happy.
I want him to wrap you up so tight you don't have room for tears anymore.
I want him to give you all that I couldn't; all that I can't.
I want him to know how special you are.
How much you give of yourself every single second of the day.
I want him to realize what treasure he has if he has you.

I'll always be here.
Always.
But baby, you gotta let me go.
You gotta let me live in your heart but not be the center of attention anymore.
It's not good.
It's not healthy.
I'm here.
I'm not goin' anywhere, but you need to.
You have to.
You have to go forward.
Love.
Be loved.
Make me smile.
It would make me smile so big to know you and Con Man are taken care of.
Are happy.
Are healing.

I'm so proud of you, babe.
So proud of you.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful wife.
I'll see you when you get here, but until then, you gotta kick the shit outta 39!!! Ok?!?!

NFAxI
Your husband





3 comments:

  1. Crying!! I felt like that letter was written to me as well!
    Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ❤️
    Thank you for this. I was 39 in April - alone for the 3rd time too...

    ReplyDelete