No Comparison...

Since I became widowed more than 2 1/2 years ago, I have not dated much. I have very little experience dating at all actually, and especially now as a widow.

I mean, I went from "dating", aka passing notes with, my first husband when I was 13 years old to being a young wife. We were together off and on until I turned 18 and then we married just three months after my 18th birthday. After five years of marriage, well legally just two weeks shy of five years, we divorced.

Just weeks after leaving my home with my ex-husband, Mike called me. We began dating and fell in love literally within a week. We moved in together in February and we married two summers later, on August 9.

So, legit that sums up my dating experience. Date a man, he sweeps me off my feet, marry said man, build a life, family, and home with said man, then I THINK I have happily ever after nailed down.

Dating epic fail #1 ended in divorce.
Dating epic fail #2 ended in death.

I'm batting 1,000.

So, with this newfound life of a widow, which sucks royally, I have found myself vulnerable but closed off. I want to date but am filled with insecurities and fear. I fall hard and fast, obviously. Lol... I mean I married the two men I've dated and loved in my life. Cheese and rice!

But lately I've been reading so much on dating a widowed person, falling in love, potentially marrying, much of which has come about since the engagement of Patton Oswalt, that all of these writings have my mind spinning with wonder.

So, I often wonder what it must be like to date a widowed person, to try and fall in love with her, possibly second guessing oneself the entire time. I wonder if insecurities rush to the surface leaving the "new" person brimming with fear of comparison, of rejection, of not being loved as much as "the other" was, and more. I have been able to put myself in Mike's shoes many times since his passing, writing words I know he would say to me, and I feel like I may be able to put myself in a "new" love's shoes as well.

Because see, when I love, I love with all that I am and will ever be. I give myself completely to the man I love. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...all of me forever. And I CANNOT WAIT to do this again.

And when I do, here is exactly what I'll want to say:

New man, new love, worthy love,
whenever you walk into my life, here is what you will need to know.

I don't play around.
I don't dapple in "relationship roulette".
Because if and when we ever get to this point, and I'm so excited about the future possibilities of love again, know that I chose YOU.
I chose you from the moment we met.
I chose you for good reasons.
You are beyond worthy of my love or I would not be wasting what precious time I've been given.

But keep in mind, I'm worthy too.
I've fought so hard to become who I am, to become worthy of limitless love.

I have so much more to offer this time around.
And if you can't handle all the love I have to offer, then weak is your middle name and you need to step away and wipe your hands clean of anything to do with me.
Don't hurt me.
Don't you dare tread upon my heart and leave it broken.
I've just now gotten it healed enough to love again.
So you better respect me, appreciate me, spoil me, and love me endlessly.
I deserve it.
So much I deserve it.

Let me see if I can articulate just how important, loved, respected, appreciated, wanted and NOT compared you are.

NO to all of your insecurities. Just plain NO.

No comparison takes place.
I'm not comparing you to anyone.
That's not how this works.
Love is not compared.

When I am with you, in your arms, holding onto you...YOU are the forefront of my thoughts.
When I hear your voice on the other end of the line, when I see your name scroll across with a text nessage, YOU are the forefront of my thoughts.
When I wake in the mornings, I check my phone to see if maybe you started missing me in the middle of the night.
I smile and my heart melts when I get the "good morning, beautiful" text.
When I lay my head against my pillow at night, and the other half of the bed is empty, YOU are who I'm missing.
YOU are who I wish was filling that void.

I fell in love with you for YOU, not for who Mike was.
He was a good man.
But he is not here.
You are.
And I am so madly, deeply, and hopelessly in love with YOU.

I fell in love with you for the way you make me laugh.
For  the way you look at me.
For the way you hold my hand.
For the way you kiss me like you mean it.
For the way you treat my son.
For the sweet and kind things you say.
For the way my name rolls off your lips.
I fell in love with YOU. I am IN LOVE WITH YOU.

My heart beats for you, and it beats to a new rhythm.
The rhythm that I crave--the one that gives me butterflies all of the time.
My heart wants you. Craves you. Needs you. LOVES you.

Do I love Mike still? Absolutely and endlessly.
But do I love you as well? Unequivocally and endlessly, YES.
Do I love him more than I love you? NO. Absolutely not. There is no comparison.
I just love him DIFFERENTLY than I love you.

See the widowed heart grows after loss.
A widowed heart keeps a place for her late spouse.
The love the two of them shared stays with the widowed heart.
Their love was unfinished when he was taken.
But her heart, once it heals, balloons. Almost ready to explode because she is so ready to love.
So willing.
So ready to give all the love she was not able to give before.

Loving Mike does NOT by any stretch of the imagination hinder my love for you.
See, there is a difference between being IN LOVE and LOVING someone.
When Mike was here, I was more in love with him than I could ever imagine being with someone. Until YOU.

You are here, in the present, in my arms, on my mind, in my heart.
You wrap your arms around me and I can FEEL your love. I want you to feel mine too.
I WANT you.
Leave no room for doubt.

You are so important to me, to my life.
I want to make you happy.
I want to spoil you until I'm all you want or need.
I want to share a life with you.
I want to make happiness with you by my side, in my son's life, as part of our family. I want you to become our family.

I respect you and who you have become to my son and me.
I respect all of your dreams and hopes for the future.
I respect your questions you may want to ask about Mike, about who I used to be.
I respect all of your curiosities and will answer to all of them without hesitation.
I respect what you do for a career and think you are extremely smart.
If I didn't respect you and all that you are, I would not put forth the effort I do.

I appreciate you and all that you do for me, for us.
I appreciate the sacrifices you make to come see me.
I appreciate the jokes you tell my son.
I appreciate the sweet and romantic gestures you make.
I appreciate that you take me out to dinner and I love being seen wth you.
I appreciate all that you are and all that you enjoy.
If I didn't appreciate you and everything you do, I wouldn't be here.

Remember that I chose you. YOU.
And only you.
And I will choose you again and again, every day for as long as you let me.
Can I live without you? Absolutely.
Do I want to? Unequivocally, NO.

So, take this heart, with all of its intricately woven and beautiful scars, and cherish it.
Love it.
Be gentle with it.
Don't be afraid to hold onto it tightly.
Allow it to love you more fully than you could ever imagine being loved.

I LOVE YOU.
Only YOU.
Endlessly and hopelessly YOU.

Love,
Me