Saturday, June 10, 2017

A Final Word...

Hey Babe,

I bet you're wondering why I haven't written in a long while.

I can't. I can't seem to force myself because with every word, I am reminded of the pain, of the shock, of the way my hands shook uncontrollably and that I honestly did not know how my next breath was going to come in those first few weeks.  So, I think this post will be my final word here.

I have written our story. It will soon be in print for our son and for our grandchildren to always know how truly complete our love story has made me feel. Our son will hold that love in his hands as he flips the pages and reads the words that love and loss etched within its covers. Our story is written on my heart and in my soul for the rest of my life.  No one can or will ever take that away from me.

The thing is, I thought that we had forever on this Earth to live and love and laugh and grow and fall into each other over and over again. Turns out, we do have forever, but it'll just take me a while longer to make it to you so that our real forever can start. People say that I can live again. They say I can love one day as well. I hope they're right in saying that my heart can be shared again. You will now, forever and always times infinity be the other half of my soul. We created a beautiful life and a beautiful son from our souls' ache for each other. When we met, I no longer felt emptiness. I no longer felt fear of the unknown, insecurities in my looks, in my abilities to be a perfect wife, a constant lover, or a great mom.  I never once held doubt for my future. I felt important and wanted and loved beyond measure and without cease. I know that was because you were born to become the other half of my soul. It took us one lifetime, lots of heartache and failure to make it to each other, but we did. And once we had each other, I held on with every ounce of my being, as did you.

But I have to share my heart again, Michael. It is so empty and needs to be filled with the love of a handsome man, whose hands are rough and gentle all at once, who looks into my eyes and sees the me that I have become and loves me without fail. My heart needs love. It needs breath and laughter and sunshine and to beat again. I feel as if it has not beaten since you took your final breath.

Our son needs me to smile and laugh and dream and live again. He is not handling your absence very well. The teenage years are difficult enough, and with losses that seem to multiply with time, all of those secondary losses we all suffer with such tragedy as a death, surmount on his shoulders and in his heart with each passing day.

So, if I'm going to do this...to make life again, to embrace the me that I have become since you left, I have to focus fully on our boy. I have to let you go to do that. I can't sit around and cry onto my keyboard as my soul pours into the pages with each key stroke. I will always talk to you, but I have to talk less. I have to cry less, I have to refill myself so that I can refill our son.  You were so much of me; every vein ran with love for you. You were behind every decision I made, whether it was what clothes I wore, what meals I cooked, how my spare time was spent, literally every decision revolved around you.

For two years, five months, and 12 days, every decision has still revolved around you. Would Mike like this outfit? Would he think I look ok? Would Mike be proud of the blog? Of the book? Of how I'm parenting without him? Would Mike be ok with the farm deal? Would he be angry that I've let him down or proud that I've done my best to ensure both boys have at least some of his dream? Would Mike be ok with me going back to teaching? I wonder if Mike would like that new restaurant in town? I bet he'd like this meal. And so on... never ceasing is my desire to please you, to receive affirmation that I'm the woman you still love.

But you cannot answer me, so I have to stop asking for your affirmation and I have to give it to myself. I have to seek it continually through prayer and conversations with God.

I have to step. As difficult as it is to take that step, I have to. So much of me doesn't want to; so much of me wants to stay wrapped up with a ghost, talking only to you, loving only you...avoiding people, avoiding life. I haven't interacted with people any more than I'm forced to at work in almost 2 1/2 years. I have avoided family functions, declined invitations to fun activities with friends, refused to GET UP and DO SOMETHING. I have spent more hours in this stupid recliner, looking at your Marine Corps picture, your Flag, our family photo than I should. I have spent more hours curled up in bed because the depression won't relinquish its grip.

And you know what? Because of my selfish desires to continue grieving, our son has suffered. Both of us have gained unwanted and unhealthy weight. Both of us have become "hermits" as often as possible, or at least we have become people who do not care or try to include others in our world. I think that in our minds, since we took such a devastating blow of losing you--our hero, our love, our best friend, our perfect family--we are safest with only each other. As long as I know Conner is ok and as long as he knows momma is ok, then we don't need one other person in our lives and in our grief.

But this hasn't been life. This has been torture. This has been painful beyond measure, lonely without borders. I love you so much, Michael. I do. My gosh I wish this was all a dream because I would just pick right back up where we left off..."hey babe, I made cinnamon rolls if you wanna come by and get some. Whatcha want for dinner? Be careful today, I love you."

But, you are never coming back. You are never holding me again, kissing me good morning, wrapping me up in your arms at night, sharing dreams and a future with me. You are never coming back.

That sentence is the most difficult to exist, but it has to. I love you endlessly and hopelessly with my soul. But if God gives me the opportunity, I have to try to love someone else endlessly and hopelessly with my heart...and that's going to start with our son and myself. I'm going to pour all of me that is left into us. I know that I've written before that I have to make changes and that change is coming, but this time I feel it in my bones. I mean, huge changes ARE coming...the farm, my job, finances (yikes), our health...I'M changing them.

And a teeny tiny part of me feels empowered by that. A new friend told me the other day "you are an independent woman, maybe some of that is by necessity but some is not. You get things done." He is right. I have HAD to learn how to bush-hog, to cube cattle and get them to move. I have HAD to pay bills I've never paid before. I have HAD to make arrangements for vehicle maintenance and foot the bill all by myself. I have HAD to mow and weed eat and power wash. I have HAD to get tough and cut some ties. I have HAD to learn to repair things on my own and learn to operate things on my own. I have HAD to rise from bed early, not stop the entire day between work, parenting, and housework, then go to bed exhausted beyond belief. I have HAD to breathe and to live without you.

But part of my newfound independence is not because of necessity, but because a part of it has fostered its own growth from all the necessary things I've had to do on my own. It has taken its own time in building within me.  So much of my independence now, at almost 2 1/2 years of suffering through grief, many things I do, say, think...are not from necessity.

My writing has not been from necessity but because it's me. The new me has become independent and I have actually grown quite accustomed to doing what I want, without making sure it's ok with you first. I am beginning to be ok with the new me, which is bringing back some parts of the old me before I became "Mike's wife and Conner's mom".

I am excited about singing again. I haven't sang in almost 2 1/2 years; I haven't found the joy in it and my voice is not as strong. I guess from the lack of communication and interaction with people has left my confidence lacking. But this week, I'm playing music again with some of our friends and I cannot wait to sing! I am excited to be back in that moment, in the lyrics and melodies and harmonies, to sing love songs about you. To sing songs about moving forward.

I'm excited that today we are going to the river with Jessica and Jeanna. We are going to laugh and have so much fun with them and I cannot wait to just go be with other people, with actual HUMAN INTERACTION!!!

We have joined the gym in town and I'm excited about it! I'm actually excited about a stupid rowing machine, a weight machine, a bike! I made a playlist and bought a new sports bra! Lol... I'm ready!

I'm excited about new foods to try, new places to visit, creating "my world" again in my new classroom. I'm excited about a widowed community meet and greet in July with my widow sister, Angie. I'm excited about traveling to Colorado this summer with our friends Melissa and Justin! I'm excited about bush hogging my dadgum hilltop!

I'm excited about returning to a ROUTINE with church! Pastor Dave and his wife Heidi are amazing--you would really love them! I've neglected my relationship with God lately, avoiding His house often because every visit brings tears and pain. But my visits will be about joy and excitement and hope from here on out!

I'm excited and proud that I have driven all over the place, to Chicago even! On my own! No shared driver! Whoop whoop!

I'm excited to watch Reagan and Alyssa turn into these amazing people right before my eyes. Alyssa is going to be a junior next year and wow, is she stunning. And Reagan, my goodness you'd have so much fun with this one! She is wild and sweet!

I'm excited about all the talks my sister and I have had over the past 2 1/2 years; the relationship those difficult and painful conversations have brought a closeness we now have that is never going to end. She has listened to me sob so many times and she never tells me to stop or to suck it up. She listens. She understands. She loves me through it.

I'm happy about and proud of the changes to our home that I've made on my own. Of course, they were all changes you wanted as well, but by golly I did them. I didn't just talk about them, I followed through with them and you'd love it.

I'm becoming more comfortable as an independent me. I can go out with friends at the drop of a hat if I so choose. The boy and I can take a quick overnight to Springfield or Cape just for fun if we want to. I have cleaned this house, I have mowed this yard, I have bush hogged this farm, I have power washed this house, I have moved and fed cows, I have fixed fence, I have cleaned and organized the shed, I have buried an old burn hole with the tractor, I have found small successes by myself, doing all the things you should be here to do. Part of me is sad about the necessity of those things but part of me is proud of the things I've accomplished on my own. And I hope you are proud too.

I have felt like I've been on trial each step of the way, almost as if others are watching, waiting in the sidelines for me to trip and fall. They may have seen me fall several thousand times over the past 2 1/2 years without you, but by God's Grace, they have also seen me get right back up, dust off, "pull my big girl panties on" and keep moving.

I love you, husband. I miss you. But I have to stop living in the pain, in the regret and loneliness. I have to continue growing into the new me. So I have chosen not to blog anymore, or at least that is the plan. I accomplished my goal with this blog. I told the world how much I love you. I told the world how painful your death has been. I told the world how grateful I am to The Lord for never giving up on me. I told the world that they too can survive such immeasurable loss, if they just hang on to hope. I'm not sure if I'll ever choose to come back to the blog or not, but I will choose to come back to life. And I'm excited about that.

Please don't ever forget that I now, forever and always times infinity love you. But it's time for me to go love myself and maybe if I'm lucky again, I'll love someone else along the way.
Love, Your Wife
#stillhis

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