Do you realize how many widows or widowers are in your town? I never really thought about it until I became one and in my little bitty town there are several. And they all range in age; some are younger than me and some are older. And then I think, what about those parents? Those step-parents, siblings, friends, and so on who are grieving their loss as well. When someone dies, an entire community of people is affected, even if in a simple way.
So my train of thoughts then wander toward what a widow/widower is thinking all day long. So, here is usually how my thoughts travel through a day, in no particular order and at any given moment.
I wake each day and think of Mike and his absence. Seriously. Even after a little more than 19 months, he is my first thought. Wow...is this real? Is he really gone?
And then it goes straight to the day it happened. The phone calls, the crying, the difficulty breathing, our son knelt in the gravel screaming. I think about him being alone at the concrete plant and I curse myself for not having gone that day. Maybe I could have helped him or saved him. We had almost surprised him with lunch.
Then I keep thinking of going to the place it happened. I have almost pulled down that road every time I pass it, but I most often have someone (usually Conner) with me and I'll not take him. But I think part of me needs to go there, almost like its a sacred place that I'll be able to feel him. It's the place where he took his last breath and I think I need to go there just once.
Then I think "what is wrong with me?!?" Am I ever going to be ok? Am I ever going to have a day when I wake and all is right with my life? Is my son ever going to be ok? And then anger sets in.
I am angry that we have been dealt this hand, and I suck at playing cards. I don't want this hand. I want to fold and I want an entirely new deck, not just a new hand. And then I get mad at Mike a little bit. I get mad at him for not listening to me all the times I begged him to slow down, to sell something, to downsize...
And then my anger turns to exhaustion. Now keep in mind, this thought process happens within varying time frames. It could all be flowing so quickly that they all happen in a matter of seconds, almost in unison. Or they can drag out for an hour or more. By regardless how long they last, they are utterly exhausting. They drain my every fiber.
So usually getting ready for work is no easy task. I always have these great plans of working out in the morning and breaking my routine of going to sit in my chair with a cup of coffee and just look at his picture. But I don't. Because I am so blasted tired. And it's a tired one can't explain. My body feels like it weighs 1,000 pounds, my heart beats out of control sometimes, I shake every so often when the thoughts get so huge, and I'm just physically, mentally, and emotionally so drained that I actually set my alarm for one hour and forty-five minutes before I have to leave my house. And usually only 20 of those are needed to apply my makeup and style my hair. It literally takes me that long just to process my life and my thoughts.
And then I go to work. The 30 minute drive is spent on thoughts of Mike, how I feel like I'm screwing up with our son, how I feel like I'm screwing up at work, how the day is going to go, what to-do list awaits me on my desk, what are we doing after school, etc... Never ending.
So what do I do and think the rest of the day? I think about sparing others, so I fake it. I slap on a smile and I laugh and I give off energetic vibes so that I can run my building well. But inside all I can think is how broken I feel. How I wish he could see me and be proud of me, but also how if he was still here how I would probably not be a principal because we would never see each other.
But I hide it all from the world. I hide it from everyone I love. I hide it and then when I need a release, I let it out in sobs. Sometimes that happens in the shower, but sometimes I can't wait that long and my poor son has to watch his mom fall apart in the car.
I just miss my old life, my husband, my family being whole, true laughter, genuinely smiling, holding his hand, kissing his face, the wrinkles around his eyes, his calloused and worn hands, his snoring, his warmth next to me, his mischievous grin, his surprises, his raspy voice, his compliments, his special nights with Conner, his texts and calls, his label on my phone "💞love of my life💞", his confidence, his walk, his jokes to me that he liked the wiggle in my walk, his time he spent sitting on the couch with me in the mornings, our cups of coffee together, his drive, riding in the middle of the seat so close to him in his truck, the sound of the Diesel engine roaring up the hill when he came home, cooking him dinner, his compliments on my food, the way he would come up behind me while I was getting ready in the bathroom and put his arms around my waste and tell me how much he loved me, his morning hugs...everything.
And that is where all my thoughts go plus to probate, my stepson, the farm, my house, bills, dating, not dating, being scared, being unsure of everything about life, how tired I am, I need to lose weight, my mom, my dad, my sister and her family, moving, packing up and leaving it all behind............ It never stops.
Thoughts...they are deafening.
I hope you are well today and that your thoughts are on your family. Love them with all your might and say it a million times and then a million more.
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
No comments:
Post a Comment