Happiness is a CHOICE?!?! Seriously!?

Happiness is a choice. I get to choose whether I am happy or not. 

Really? 

Let's think about this. Maybe I'm just extra wound up and angry tonight. Something just hit me when I got home earlier and checked Twitter and read, "Happiness is an attitude and a choice." From that moment on I've literally been shaking and my heart has been racing and I have my jaw so tightly clenched in order to keep my sobs suppressed for my son. 

I've got so much to say about this whole "happiness is a choice" line of crap. 

I did not CHOOSE to become a widow and a solo parent (as an earlier post states, this is COMPLETELY different from being a single parent) at 36. I did not CHOOSE for my 10 year old son (now 12) or my 17 year old stepson (now 19) to lose their dad. 

I mean, look at this? Happiness is a choice? HOW??? When tragedy of this magnitude occurs, we don't have a choice in our emotions or our lives for that matter! Really, deep down we don't! Emotions take control. Grief is a process, a cyclical up-and-down road through which we travel half the time with blinders on. We don't know how to navigate grief. Grief does not include happiness. Loss, terrible, sudden and tragic loss of a person we love, does NOT include happiness. We DID NOT CHOOSE the loss; therefore, how in the world can we CHOOSE happiness in a time like this?

So let me tell you what else I DO NOT CHOOSE every single day. 

I do not choose to awaken to silence.

I do not choose to roll over in hopes of seeing my husband beside me, but being forced to see an empty space (except on nights Conner sleeps in our bed).

I do not choose to have knots in the pit of my stomach all throughout the day. 

I do not choose to have a massive lump in my throat that I have to force to stay put or else it means the flood is coming and I'll break down. 

I do not choose to pay these bills alone.

I do not choose to feel like a failure as a parent when I'm questioning my own parenting tactics, or how I'm going to answer a question Conner has. 

I do not choose to be the only name on our son's report card and school documents. 

I do not choose to mark "widow" on the stack of school forms, or to write "deceased" on the father section. 

I do not choose to begin shaking when I get really upset thinking about it all. 

I do not choose to have random spastic moments where I just cry and freak out about my life and my fears and my insecurities. 

I do not choose to have a heart that begins racing at random and inconvenient moments. 

I do not choose have a mind and heart that now don't work like they used to. 

I do not choose to have this mindset of not planning for anything beyond an hour or two in advance. What's the point? I had my whole life planned and look where that got me? 

I do not choose to feel sad. 

I do not choose to feel angry.

I do not choose to suffer from depression.

I do not choose to feel more uncertain than I ever have in my entire life.

I do not choose to receive others' looks of pity. 

I do not choose the feeling of defeat. 

I do not choose loneliness in a room full of people. 

I do not CHOOSE this life of widowhood. I do not CHOOSE to NOT be happy. 

I DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE. 

I did not get a say. I did not get asked if I was ready for my husband to die. I did not get asked if I would rather he die now or later. I did not get asked if I'd like to raise my son completely alone. I didn't get asked if I wanted to bury my husband in a beautiful cemetery on a freezing cold January day (actually New Year's Day 2015). I didn't get to choose any of it. 

I cannot just flip the switch and turn off grief. I did NOT choose for it nor can I just ignore that the love of my life has been gone almost 20 months and I'm really starting to freak out about the approaching Holidays and 2-year mark. I wish to GOD that I could choose. 

I wish that I could choose happiness. I wish that I could choose to block out lawyers, maps of the farm he built that will soon no longer be part of my life, and courtrooms. I wish that I could choose to throw a dart at a map and leave it all behind. I wish I could choose to love again. I wish I could choose so much, but I cannot. 

Now some of you may be thinking, well lady...God gave us FREE WILL so yes you DO have a choice in it all! You DO have a choice to be happy! 

 

You're wrong. 

Here is what I have a choice in:

I choose to be grateful for what I have and what I had. 

I choose to be me and if my grief and my crazy widow brain makes you uncomfortable, then you need to depart from my life. Because in the grief process, I DO NOT have a choice. 

I choose to breathe deeply when the anxiety rears its ugly head and I just want to crawl into a hole, and hide from everyone and everything except my son.

I choose to pray for strength, and for everyone I know and love, every single day. 

I choose to TRY to live my life the best that I can considering the circumstances. 

I choose to pray for others who are less fortunate than me, whether that is financial, emotional, in health, etc... 

I choose to love my friends and to text back when I'm feeling "normal" and to not text back when I'm needing just time to be sad. 

I choose to fight every day to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. 

I choose to laugh with my baby boy when we feel like laughing, and I choose to cry with him when we feel like crying. 

I choose to reach out and help every single widow that I can! 

So, don't expect me to believe all the hype that I CAN choose happiness. You have no idea. I wish it more than anything. But that's just not the case. If I DID have a choice, I promise you that the Angels would be jealous because Mike would be sitting beside me, his fingers intertwined with mine, and our son would be playing beside us. All would be well and I would be happy. 

I'm trying. I'm trying to bring little pieces of happiness back into life, but for the love of God I'll NEVER understand or choose to be happy in widowhood. 

I miss my life. I miss happiness. I miss so much every second of every day.