Everyone thinks I have it together and that I'm moving forward from grief just fine. The reality is, I miss you so desperately and it's almost fall, so that makes it worse.
Fall is when we built so many of our most perfect memories. I miss riding around with the windows down, listening to old country or classic rock. I would sit next to you and let my hand rest on your leg. You'd look over and steal a kiss every once in a while. And sometimes, because you loved me so much, you would stop dead in your tracks on an old dirt road or in the middle of our field, and just look at me. Your eyes would burn through mine and you'd tell me how beautiful you thought I was.
I remember all of the deer hunting and gigging trips we went on. You thought I was cute even with no makeup and hair unkempt and thrown under the hideous Hunter orange cap. You'd tell me I was cute as could be, camo clothes and all. I used to love gigging with you; sometimes we turned it into a competition. You were impressed I could do it so well. Remember the time we chased around my last fish of the night for an hour? I was determined to top everyone. You just were patient and grinned with pride when I got it.
I miss the days when we would just sit on the porch and hold hands and talk. We had so many plans. We talked of those dreams we just knew were going to be a reality some day; us owning a big farm and watching our boys grow up working it. And I was able to go with you more once fall descended. It was too hot and you were too busy in a tractor amidst the hayfields in summer. But fall was our time.
Fall also means our anniversary of beginning. October 18, 2001, seems so far away when you say the year but seems like it just passed. I have a picture of us at my rent house on Halloween. Amy brought Alyssa by for us to see her in her adorable little Piglet costume. We were already in love and had been for less than two weeks. I knew I was going to marry you. I knew I was going to be madly in love with you until the day I die. I knew it. I just didn't know God had other plans.
I know that all of the things we used to do together in the fall are coming around again. Gigging season, deer season, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm not ready to do any of them with anyone else, and I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I guess part of me also knows that December 29 is mixed in there and I absolutely cannot believe it has been almost 2 years. Sometimes I still catch myself in a pile on the floor, barely breathing through sobs and yelling at you. I ask why did you have to go? I scream that you were just here; I just had you. I just don't understand.
I am so drained. I am so tired of reliving that day and your funeral. My memory is not as good as it used to be for just "normal" everyday things, but I can remember how your Carhart coat smelled as I wrapped myself up tightly at your grave. I remember the sound of the cows and the ringing of the shots fired from the Marines. I remember everything, babe. All of it. And I just miss you so incredibly much. I wish more than anything you were here in our bed, snoring loudly enough to keep me awake.
I'm still so in love with you. How can I be in love with a ghost? I don't know, but I am. I feel like I am still your wife and you are my husband.
I had my first speaking engagement this weekend that wasn't to a room full of students or teachers. I talked about widowhood a little bit. I talked about you. I spoke of being a teacher and a principal. I spoke of God's love and how He has not forsaken Conner or me. I received many blessings after I finished speaking. Hugs, prayers, and support came from several who attended. I felt humbled and honored.
Things are difficult every day, babe. Sometimes I go a while without crying, days even. And then lately, the days blend together and I don't make it through a full one without losing control. Yesterday it happened in my admin meeting, in the room with my superintendent and the other four administrators. Awesome. I just had no control though; I miss you so much.
My mom gave me a card today just because she knows I've been missing you so much lately. She worries about us. Here is what her card read:
"The Oak Tree--a message of encouragement
A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away, then snapped it's boughs and pulled its bark until the oak tree was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke, 'how can you still be standing, Oak?'
The oak tree said, 'I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my limbs and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew.'"
Widowhood has broken my boughs, shaken me to the core, but I stay standing for our boy. And I can promise that God's grace and my love for you has been what we have been rooted in. We love and miss you forever.
NFAXI...#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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