I was in a funk the entire evening, well the entire day really. See, my heart and mind like to remind me every hour of what I'll never have again. And it consumes my soul enough that true happiness is something I know that I'll never have again.
I'll never have a date night with my husband again. He won't hold my hand, guide me into the theater or restaurant with his hand on the small of my back. We won't sit and flirt and laugh all through dinner, and my goodness how I miss his laugh.
I'll never have a sense of confidence. Ever again. He was the only man who has ever squashed my self-esteem issues, and I don't mean to the point that I was like, "oh, look at me, I'm hot and have an awesome body." I mean, to the point that even though I KNOW my body has "issues" (stretch marks, cellulite, ya know), he complimented me enough to make me feel sexy even with all my flaws. He had a way of doing that with just a look. Sometimes it was with his silly grin, his smoldering eyes, and a little "ck-ck " noise. It was as if he actually worshipped my body; no man will ever do that again. Mike actually looked at it and relished every second; he boosted my confidence as a wife and as a woman more than anyone.
I'll never have a completely relaxed and comfortable demeanor again. I know that may sound weird, but in the world of widowhood, it's not weird. I'm always on edge and it's almost like I'm looking for Mike's face in a crowd. It is the strangest, most heart wrenching thing to do but I can't stop it. Or it's like I'm afraid I'm doing the wrong thing, or that something will go wrong if it hasn't already. It also happens because I'm overwhelmed with estate happenings, probate court, bills, vehicle maintenance, raising my son...alone...ya know.
I'll also not ever have a clean slate wherever I go. If I go anywhere, and I mean ANYWHERE that I have been already, holy cow do the memories flood my mind. For 13 years I did everything with him. Everywhere I went he had been with me at some point; ballparks, shopping malls, restaurants, recreation parks, etc... It is insane. But when I am somewhere I've been before with Mike, regardless who I am with, my mind wanders to those memories. And I'm trying my hardest to make new memories and to meet new people and to have new experiences, but unless I move somewhere across the country, I'll never have a place without memories. And at this moment in time (could totally change in a second), I've no intention of ever leaving our home.
I'll never have Mike to help with this whole parenting thing. I needed him to talk to through fears, sicknesses, stitches, school work, and everything in between. We made decisions together and together we would all sit at the kitchen table for homework time. I did the English and Reading, Social Studies, and usually Science, and Mike handled the Math. We worked as a team on organizing Conner's folder and backpack, on signing parent documents, and so on. It'll just be me from here on out. And I suck at Math, FYI. So, I'm sorry son.
But what so desperately hurts and literally keeps me awake many nights, is the realization that I'll never have my husband and Conner will never have his dad for all the big things there are to come. I'll not be able to look into Mike's eyes as we both swell with pride, and I am moved to tears, when our boy does something great. And I'll not be able to "fix it" when Conner makes eye contact with me, gives me a forced smile, and we both will know what he will be thinking: my gosh, I wish Dad was here. I can't even go into detail about what moments I can imagine because my stomach instantly knots.
I'm trying desperately to build a life for Conner and me. A new start if you will, but it's just not happening. It's not coming together. I just keep realizing what I'll never have again, what Conner will never have again, and I cannot get a grip on it. I cannot force it deep down inside enough to ignore it and move forward. Sure, I have moments of what everyone else calls "strength", but they actually seem to be lessening lately. I don't know why; I guess it's just the continuing cycle of grief. The one I'll repeat over and over and over again until I get to see my husband.
Pray for the widows/widowers and their children. We all need it and appreciate it. I hope you know what you have and appreciate every second of it, for one day you may realize what you'll never have again as well. I hope not, but just in case, don't waste one second without proving your love and appreciation for those in your life.
God Bless...
NFAxI...#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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