Dear Wister, (another letter)...

Dear Wister, 

I have more to say to you about these terribly troubling times. 

Your first few days will feel like they are going to break you in half. You will feel moments of numbness to everyone and everything around you. It will be surreal and your soul will not accept the reality of your spouse's death. Honest. It is such a strange realm; like an out of body experience where you stand from afar watching yourself crumble to a million pieces over and over again. 

I fell apart so many times the first several months. The first few weeks I experienced my first and then subsequently, many panic attacks. When you do, have someone get you a cold damp washcloth and close your eyes and will your breaths to slow. It's going to take work, but you will come back. Just hold on. Those panic attacks are scary and terrible. Mine hit mostly out of anger or shock still that my husband was suddenly dead and my family for which I had prayed my entire life was gone. It was complete no more. 

I'm so terribly sorry, my sweet wister. I hate more than anything that anyone else is having to experience what I am. It sucks. Plain and simple, no sugar coating, it is a screwed up lifestyle to live. And worse--we didn't choose it!!!! We don't want to live the lifestyle of a widow! 

But let me tell you something...I know with all my Christian heart that God has a plan. I do. I fully and 100% believe that, but that belief and knowledge will do not ounce of good the first little while, honey. It won't. It won't bring you comfort. It won't settle your fears, or calm your churning stomach and shaking hands; it won't prevent your soul from imploding because you miss your spouse so much. It won't stop your tears from falling for a million hours, or your child's heart from being ripped out; it won't help you sleep at night or understand WHY. It won't. 

But what it will do is keep you praying. Even when I've become angry with God (and yes, I know I'm not supposed to be angry with him, but it's a natural human instinct to), I've never stopped praying. I don't understand His plan for robbing us of Mike. The world lost a good, hard working, handsome, smart as heck man that day. We lost out. God gained. 

I'll never understand why my child had to fall to his knees beside me in our gravel drive beside my truck that cold December day. I'll never understand why my life was finally what I had hoped and longed for my whole life, and then just in the blink of an eye it was all washed away. I'll never understand the ache that is and will remain in my soul for the rest of my life. 

Widowhood changes you. It changes where your mind wanders. Widowhood changes your perspective, your attitude, your speech, your fears...it changes all of you. In some ways you will be weaker. I was so weak in the beginning days and weeks; I had to be helped to walk almost everywhere I went. I couldn't drive myself anywhere; I slept during the day when I could because night time brought new sadness. I would reach across to feel Conner beside me and would cry because he was where his daddy should have been. I didn't wear makeup for months after Mike passed. It took me weeks to get back to work full time and I was more timid and quiet and so sad. My students were amazing though and still worked so hard for me; they gave me quiet when I needed it. I left my classroom to sob in my principal's office several times.  I am weaker in some ways still (and not all physically like breaking down in sobs or needing help to walk), like I feel like my voice is weaker. I don't talk as much or as loudly as I used too I don't go out with friends often and I'm not as extroverted as I once was. I haven't grown all the way back together and I never will. I'll be scarred and bruised from this tragedy for the rest of my life and so will you. But honey, one day...and it will take a long time, that weakness will give way to strength. I know it seems doubtful but I promise it will. 

Your strength will come from those countless prayers you have sent up, even in anger. It will come when you have to stand and walk to the casket before he is lowered into the ground. Strength will come when you sleep in your bed alone for the first time. It will come when you visit the local grocery store and make it out without breaking down. Strength will come when you fall to your knees to pray with your child who is so broken. Strength will come when you have to speak to different people about bills and what is owed and who is the beneficiary on life insurance policies. Strength will come when you return to work, even if it is only for a couple of hours at first. 

When weeks or months (and you take your time!!! You are on no one's terms but yours!) have passed and you clean out his drawers, strength will come. Strength will come when you go through the closet and fold his clothes nice and neat for the last time. Strength will come when you decide to either donate his clothing to goodwill or save them for your son, if you have one. Strength will come when you look at his face in the pictures on your walls and you whisper, "I love and miss you." You will do that every day.

When you decide to go to church, strength will come. It won't be easy because you will be washed with so many emotions, but go. I'm not saying you must go all the time, but go. Somewhere...sometime...go. Pray for strength and thank God for what strength you've been blessed with thus far. 

When months, or a year, or more than a year has passed and you decide to date again...strength will come.  When you take that first phone call or text asking if you'd like to go to dinner sometime, strength will come. Strength will come when you get dressed up for another man other than your husband. It will come when your hands are shaking with nerves and your stomach is doing flips, but you get dressed, do your makeup and fix your hair anyway. It will come when you look in the mirror and see such sadness and brokenness in your own eyes but want so desperately to live again. It will come when you walk out to him and he smiles and says, "how are you?" Strength will come when your nerves settle enough to laugh when he says something funny. Strength will come when you find yourself having a good time and the guilt sneaks in. Do NOT feel guilt! You did not choose to be a widow, honey, and you are doing NOTHING wrong by going on a date. Nothing. You are not cheating and people will talk about you anyway, so take that step in strength. Take that step back into life. It's totally fine if nothing comes of it...but it is equally fine if you find yourself falling in love again. 

Strength will come when you decide to go on a second date, and it will come as you smile when you see his name across your phone screen with a text to say hi. Strength will come when after a date you come home to see your husband's picture on the wall and you still tell him you love and miss him. That's ok! If the man you decide to date cannot accept and appreciate that you still love your husband, then he isn't worth having. If he is the right kind of man, he will know that there is no competition with a dead man; there is just an endless love that will remain for that marriage. You were in love when he died; you had no say in the end of your marriage and still love him. You always will, honey, but you have enough love inside of that beautiful beating heart of yours to love your husband and someone new. It's a different kind of love and a different kind of relationship, but both are beautiful. 

Strength will come when you visit your husband's headstone and tell him about this new man. You will sob on your knees while you talk to him and tell him about it. But it will be strength that brings those words to fruition. It will be scary and you'll be nervous to tell him, but it will be good for your soul. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to step forward in your life, for you and your children. He would do the same thing and he is proud of you for taking that step. And what is so strange but beautifully wonderful, is when you know it is the right guy, you will feel your husband smiling and nodding his head that it's good. I know you might think I am stone cold crazy right now, and part of me is, but I'm telling you the truth. When you start feeling something for this new man, I swear to you that you will receive some nod of affirmation from your husband; you will feel it! And that will bring you more strength. 

When you find yourself laughing a genuine laugh, strength will come. You'll find that strength is with you when you go to bed without crying, or when you wake with a smile on your face because you realize you're surviving what you though would kill you. Strength will come when you feel happiness again. 

Strength will come in so many ways and in so many things that you do and say, my sweet wister. I know exactly how you felt in the beginning, and you might still be in the beginning. And you might think I'm full of it! I know that's exactly what I thought when I read the "widow books" (too many of them are self-help...well seriously, you can barely breathe so you don't want to read a bunch of self-help crap), but just keep breathing and praying for strength and I promise, it will come. But this is not by any stretch a "self-help" reading--this is an honest experience from a young widow who thought her life was over the day her husband died. That's all. Just widow-to-widow talk about my experience in this crappy club. 

I love you my sweet wister, and wish so much strength and peace for you and your children. I really do. 

Remember to just keep breathing and pray for strength. Eventually...it will come. 

Much love and hugs,

Your wister...

Veronica