We have made it passed the six month mark, which took place last Monday, and the day was a massive mixture of emotions. On that day I took a step forward in my life for my son and me, and for Mike. I struggled with being happy about a new step because my heart was aching with the weight of what the day marked.
When I was pregnant with Conner I earned my Master's Degree in Educational Administration. I have aspired to be a principal and Mike was definitely supportive of that professional move for many reasons. I had just never had the opportunity to use the degree until a few weeks ago. Early in the school year Mike and I received word that a high school principal position would be available at a neighboring school district. Mike and I talked about the opportunity many times and decided that it was a no-brainer for me to apply when the time came. The time came just a couple of months after Mike's accident, so Conner and I neither one were ready for such a huge change on top of the devastating change we had just suffered. So, I did not apply.
Months passed and I received a call that the elementary principal was leaving the neighboring district and she and I have been friends for years. I talked to Conner and after a long discussion, tears, and prayers, we decided as a team that I would apply. He accompanied me when I delivered my application, we spoke with my friend and with the superintendent, then left. I had no expectations. I had no nerves or worries. It was just dropping off an application.
The following day I received a call to come in for an interview early the next week. Still, no expectations. I kept telling myself that it was just going to be an interview; it was no big deal. On the evening of my interview, as I looked at myself in the mirror, I cried. I was dressed professionally, in a black pencil skirt, black and white polka-dot button up dress shirt, and black heels. My hair was fixed nicely and my face adorned full makeup, which it hasn't in six months. My mom and sister had come over to help me decide on an interview outfit and to stay with Conner while I was gone. As I stood looking at myself, I reached down to Mike's Marine Corps ring that still hangs around my neck every day. I touched it and told my sister that I didn't know if they would like it or not, but I was not taking his ring off. I wear it every day and I wanted him with me. She became teary eyed too, and said it was fine.
In that moment I became someone new. I was different from the old me. I looked like a strong, independent, smart, successful woman. Inside I was torn to a million pieces like always; torn between a smile and a tear, a step forward and a crash to my knees. But, I had said yes to the interview, so I was determined and nervous.
On my drive to the interview, I prayed. I prayed and asked God to just ease my nerves and help me to not sound stupid. I teach interview skills for crying out loud and I did not want to mess this part up! Almost to the office, I became teary eyed with my shaking hands and Mike came to me through his song, "Drinking Class". I smiled through my tears because at that exact moment I heard him saying, "You got this, babe. Good job. You're gonna do great." I wiped my face and made sure I still looked put together, climbed from my truck and took a deep breath as I took that first step forward.
The interview went well and for another week I thought nothing of the job opportunity. I did not lose sleep over it. I did not have butterflies in my stomach. The only thing I did do was pray. I prayed to God that if it was in His will for this change to be good for Conner and me, then it would turn into an offer. If not, then it was great interview experience. I lose sleep and stay stressed over too many other things in my life right now, so this was not going to be one of them. I gave it to God. I trusted Him and whatever came our way, I was solid in knowing that it was what He wanted for us.
Conner and I went about our regular daily routines and one evening we joined some family members for a St. Louis Cardinals game. The evening before the game, we visited with one of my high school friends, had fun and after a very long day, most of which I had a massive headache, were ready for bed in our hotel. I had taken ibuprofen three different times that day due to the pain that would not subside and was just about to roll over and close my eyes when my cell phone rang. It was a job offer to become high school principal.
I asked for 10 minutes to discuss it with Conner and in those 10 minutes, we cried, prayed, and talked to Daddy. I told Conner that if Mike was still here, we would be having this exact same conversation at this exact same moment because it was what Daddy had wanted me to do. So, I called the superintendent back with a humble "yes". So, Conner and I will begin our new journey this school year. It is scary and exciting all at once, although I find it very difficult to be excited about anything anymore.
The first person I wanted to call was Mike. I wanted to make sure he would be proud of me. I wanted to tell him that I am still moving forward with our plan, his and mine. It broke my heart that I couldn't hear his voice of excitement when I would tell him I got the job. It killed a part of my soul that he could not be part of a celebration of my career. It's just heartbreaking that something for which we both worked so hard toward cannot be shared with my husband.
But, he knows. I know he does or he wouldn't have sent me his song the night of the interview to calm my nerves. I just wish I could hear his voice and see his excitement. I miss him so much.
So, the new job is a huge event since my last post.
Mike has been gone six months and four days. When I went to the new school to look at my contract, I had to ignore the churning in my stomach. I had to ignore the fact that I wanted to break down and just go lay beside him and cry for hours. I wanted to spend the entire day beside him or in bed with the covers over my head. But I couldn't. I had to breathe. I had to keep stepping. I genuinely felt such appreciation and promise at the new opportunity and still do. I am just so ready for that appreciation, promise, and excitement to overpower the despair, feeling of being lost, and confusion.
Another event that has transpired in the last bit is a memorial photo shoot that Conner and I did for Mike; Tristan wasn't comfortable with the shoot so I did not push the issue with him. I wish he had wanted to, but it is something I did not want to push on him. But, Conner and I both felt strongly about the shoot. So, this is another act for Mike. I hope that you see the beauty that was captured by our amazing photographer, Amanda Sly, with Dazzle Photography. She is amazing and sweet and kind. She took our pain and shot through our tears, even capturing a few of them on camera. She let her own tears fall at our pain but I could not be happier with the images she captured.
These are for Mike. Everything I do is still for Mike. My new job is for Mike. My tears are for Mike. My smiles and laughter are for Mike. Our Fourth of July celebration we will hold tomorrow is for Mike.
I am #stillhis, so my life is still for him.
I love you more than words, Baby and miss you every day. Now, Forever and Always times Infinity.
Love,
Veronica
I absolutely love your pictures. They capture so much.
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