Quiet Whispers...

When I became a mother a little more than 11 years ago, I knew I was in for sleepless nights. I knew that routines would, or in my son's case, would not be established. I was used to a full night's sleep except for the occasional visit to the bathroom. Those were rare PRE-motherhood, but not so much anymore. 

I prepared myself mentally for the every couple of hour feedings, the million diaper changes, the rocking until sleep visited us again briefly, and all that new mom sleep deprivation "stuff". 

Sleeplessness due to parenting is a whole different ballgame than sleeplessness due to widowhood. 

I have been awake since 3:00 am. This was not by choice and this was not without my best efforts to fall back to nothingness. 

My sleeplessness now plagues me all hours of the night and it hides right under my pillow every single night, just waiting to whisper in my ear. Just waiting to bring me thoughts that I cannot shake. It doesn't even bring me dreams...just thoughts that won't quiet the whispering. Ever. 

It whispers to me things like:

You're going to be alone forever.

You should be alone forever. 

Wait, no you shouldn't.

You should try to meet someone new.

I hope you do meet someone new.

But he will never be like Mike. 

You will never find someone like Mike.

Well, maybe you will. 

But I doubt it. 

You have to think about Conner, like on every date you might ever go on.

I can't believe you're already thinking about maybe meeting someone new in the future, I don't care how far out you see it. 

How dare you consider a new life.

But Mike would want you to. 

You guys actually talked about it a long time ago. 

You remember, what you each would do if something happened to the other? 

I remember.

You told him to find someone who treated Conner like gold.

You teased him and told him she better not be hot.

He told you to find someone who would be good to Conner and you.

He told you to look for someone who didn't work as hard as he did. 

He told you to just try and be happy, it didn't matter who it was with. 

He told you he wanted you to be able to be happy again without him if that ever happened. 

Well, it happened didn't it?

Now what? 

What about the bills that are coming up due?

What about your new job?

I know you wish Mike was here for it but he's not so you might as well get excited and happy about it. 

He wants you to be.

It's the job he wanted you to have so you know he's smiling down.

So just be happy about it.

Make a difference.

What if you suck at it?

What if you have all these great ideas and things you want to do and then nobody likes them and wants to do them?

What if Conner hates his new school?

But...what if he LOVES it?!

What if you succeed and you actually become the best principal ever?!

When is his tombstone coming to be placed?

I know you are ready for it so it kind of honors him and gives you and the boys a place to see him, even if it's not really seeing him.

I wonder if the cows are ok.

You know Mike used to check them all hours of the night.

Maybe you should too.

But, you'll wake Conner.

He would be scared of he woke and you weren't in bed.

So just lay here, the cows are fine. 

Ok, shut down.

Go to sleep.

Wait, what all do you have on the calendar this week? ....……………

...................

And the cycle continues much like this ALL.NIGHT. EVERY.NIGHT.

When I became a new mother and sleep evaded me, I had Mike to lean on and share the sleeplessness with. We would take turns.

I have no one to take turns with. I have no one. 

I miss having someone.

I miss my husband. 

I love you more than words, baby. NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica