My Birthday...

I never expected MY birthday to be as difficult as his was. But I have literally cried so much for a week leading up to today. 

I miss him so much.

I've tried pretending. I even took my son, along with my sister-widow and her son, to Branson Friday to try and have some birthday fun. I was miserable almost the entire time with spurts of laughter here and there, and then spurts of tears when it was just my friend and me in the room. She understands. Her story is so similar to mine.

Her husband was killed in a vehicle accident; her son was very young; she and her husband had been together for 13 years and married for 11; her husband and my husband shared similar senses of humor; we both loved our husbands beyond any measure. 

The hope of distraction in Branson didn't help. 

We came home yesterday and my mom and her boyfriend, my mother and father in-law, Mike's grandma, and my son all had gifts waiting. They also had lunch. It was like a switch flipped on the ride home and even though I love them all with all of my heart, I wished I was alone. I didn't want lunch. I didn't want gifts. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to eat or laugh or anything. I wanted to sleep. 

But I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. They all miss him so much too and just want to try to help me smile again. So, I partook in lunch and cake and then it was time for gifts. I had literally been gritting my teeth so hard that my jaws hurt today. I was trying my best to look happy. I know it was an epic fail but I was at least trying. 

And then my little boy gave me a beautiful watch as a gift and I lost it. Mike gave me a beautiful watch as a gift years ago. 

I began crying and then sobbing and then I cried out, "he should just be here."

I closed my eyes through the pain but could hear my poor momma's sobs and my mother's-in-law apologies as she held on to my shoulders. My son came to a chair right next to the recliner, the EXACT same way he did the day his daddy died. And THAT is what brought me out of it enough finally that I could breathe. I could not be that woman again. I could not let my little boy go back in time, although I know we both do it every day. He misses his daddy just like I do. And I can't fix it. 

So, I told them all I was just so tired so after I was able to breathe steadily, Conner took the chair back to the kitchen, everyone gathered their things, hugged me and told me they loved me, and left. I hugged my son and told him how sorry I was for the breakdown. 

And then he grabbed me by the arms and said, "Mom...do not ever say you're sorry for crying about Dad. It's ok. Everybody knows. But don't ever say you're sorry."

Wow. That's my son. That's my husband right inside there in that grown up man voice Conner can sometimes use, even at only 11. I am beyond proud of my little man. 

So I was so drained by the time everyone left that I went to rest on the couch and ended up taking a two hour nap. 

I dreamed of him while I slept. I could taste the salt on his lips when he would come in and kiss me after working all day. I felt the callouses on his hands as he laced his fingers with mine. I could smell on him what lots of women might complain about (NO, not body odor)...the smell of dirt and hard work. I could feel his whiskers as he snuggled next to me and kissed the back of my neck. I could see the mischief in his eyes when he would smile at me. 

I could feel him. I could hear him. 

And then I woke. 

My birthday is today. I'm 37 today. My life WAS where it was supposed to be just 7 short months ago (it will be 7 months in 3 days). My life was what I had dreamed of and planned for. My husband was the man of my dreams and he loved me, really loved me. 

I even asked his best friend the other day if Mike was truly as happy as I thought he was. He told me he had never seen him happier. He told me he smiled more when he met me; he laughed harder when we began; he loved me as much as I loved him. 

I miss my husband being here on my birthday just as much as I miss him being here on his. My sister told me that surely today would be manageable because I have made it through Mike's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Conner's birthday, and such...but today is just as difficult as all the others. Every "first" will be so. Probably every "seventh" or "tenth" will too. Why? Because I haven't stopped loving him. I didn't get the choice to say it was over. I didn't fall out of love and move on. He is my husband. Still. Always. 

So, please remember us in your prayers on my birthday today. My strength has wavered once more. 

I will go visit my husband today and will tell him how much I love and miss him. The rest of the day I will try to survive the best I can. 

I love you baby...Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica