I miss that one of your hazel eyes was a little more green than the other
I miss the rough callouses on your hands but the gently way you used them with me
I loved that our names became "Babe" or "Baby" after about the first week of dating
I loved that we didn't have just one song, but so many held a part of us
I miss the way I could walk into your office and see you sitting at your desk; I'd walk over to your chair and you'd put your arm around my waste and look up to kiss me
I miss that when it would rain, like it has so often lately, you would come home and rest, or sometimes just change into dry clothes and take us back out with you
I loved that I never felt afraid with you
I never doubted what my future would be like; I never felt nervous about lawyers because I didn't need them for anything; I never worried about bills and where the money was going to come from
I miss the way you would read a book a gazillion times instead of breaking down and spending $5 on a new one, but you would surprise me with little gifts
Like the time you came home with the movie "The Rookie" just because I love true sports stories.
Or the time Conner and I went with you to the Lake for a week while you were teaching and you came to the hotel to get us for dinner. Jason Aldean had just released "Big Green Tractor" and I loved that song. You always told me how much it reminded you of us. So, Conner and I got in the truck to go to dinner with you and that song began playing. I of course turned it louder and sang along, smiling and looking at you with your perfect smile too. After it ended I said, "I love that song..." and turned the radio down. A new song began and it sounded like Jason Aldean again. So, I was like, "Hmmm they must be doing one of those back to back things they do sometimes because I swear that is him again." You just smiled. When the third song came on, I connected the dots. You surprised me with the CD and had it ready on the song for me.
I miss so much about you that I couldn't sleep last night
I miss the raspy tone in your voice, and especially when it was just the two of us
I miss the secretes we used to share that no one else knew
I loved that you put your guard down in front of me and would cry when you needed to
I loved that we had been through what we thought were the darkest of times, a couple that we almost thought were going to break us apart, but then we rose from the ashes and became this new unbeatable pair
I miss the way you would yell, "Babe, what is wrong with you?!" when I would put my cold feet on you at night
Or when I was hot flashing and you would look at me and say, "Yeah I know you're hot..." with a wicked grin
I miss dressing up for you; I wanted to look perfect for you, or as best as I could
I love that you always told me "Thanks for still trying for me Babe..." and you would tell me I was beautiful
I miss when you would come into the bathroom while I was getting ready for work and talk to me, usually coming up behind me, just staring, and then kissing my neck, telling me how beautiful you thought I was
I miss that you would tell me over and over again over the years how much we were made for each other; we were a perfect fit in so many ways
I miss your stare...just randomly for no reason and I would ask what and you would say, "I just am so in love with you, that's all."
I miss how you used to have to write things down or you'd forget; after you left I found a post-it in your desk labeled: "August 9, 11 years"
I miss the way when we first began you would still write your to-do list in military time
I miss the way I would have to tell you to slow down when eating because I wasn't your drill sergeant and wasn't going to make you drop and give me 20
I miss your walk; you had a very confident walk
I miss when you would tell me that you loved to watch me walk away
I love that you kept all of the pictures Conner drew for you and would tape them up anywhere; they still are taped to your office wall and office door
I love that you were so proud of our family and what we had built together
You would just randomly pull to a hilltop and we would sit and watch the cows and you would say, "I know our life isn't easy, Babe, I know that, but I know that I would not want to be anywhere else, doing anything else, with anyone else. I think we have a good life and I think we sure are lucky and blessed."
Yeah, we sure were lucky and blessed.
I loved it all.
Now, let me tell you what I hate.
I hate that we didn't spend more time together, even though in the beginning we said we needed to still be husband and wife and not just become mom and dad.
I hate that we didn't take more family vacations with the boys
I hate that you worked too much and we fought about it
I hate that we fought about money...how you spent too much on building your dream
I hate that I didn't get a second job to try and make more money to help you finance your dream
I hate that our boys lost their dad
I hate that you won't be there for their weddings
I hate that you won't get to hold your grandchildren
I hate that I sleep without you
I hate that I crave someone beside me; I miss the way we would sit beside each other, my legs draped onto your lap and your hands resting on my legs
I hate that I cry so much
I hate the sick feeling in my stomach
I hate that I don't get to hear your voice unless I play the recording on my phone
I hate that every single picture brings back a story; It's that love-hate relationship thing with that...I am happy and love that we have so many stories but I hate that all they are now are stories and I can't build more with you
I hate that you have a grave I visit less often that I wish I could
I hate that there is a stone with your name carved into it
I hate the way you died; that is something I cannot put out of my mind
I hate that my heart breaks all over again every morning when I wake, just like it's the first day without you
I hate that my friends feel sorry for me
I hate that my family feels sorry for me
I hate that people have expectations and I don't want to meet any of them
I hate that any move I make will probably be judged by others, even though I do not care at all because my Judge knows what I'm doing is right
I hate that Conner and I are alone most of the time
I hate that you left me; you left us
I hate that we promised now, forever, and always times infinity and here I am left alone to finish it
I hate that we didn't meet each other earlier in life
I hate that we only got 13 years, 2 months, and 11 days to be together
I hate that you didn't stop at my apartment sooner to ask me out
I hate that I didn't go riding with you on the farm or to the treatment plants or whatever every single time you asked
I hate that I used to get angry about your cow manure stained pants; I'd give anything to wash them again
I hate that I can only smell you on the last outfit you had in the hamper and on your Carhartt coat I have sealed in a bag
I hate that there is still so much to sort through and I can't even touch half of it in your office; I can't make myself do it
I hate the endless depth of loneliness I feel without you
I hate the void that will never be filled in your boys' lives
You should still be here.
That was our deal.
Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity, remember?
We said it all the time.
We meant it.
I hate that our deal is broken.
Not on purpose, I know, but still it has been broken.
I just miss you. I miss us.
I miss happiness.
NFAxI... #stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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