Deafening Silence...

I used to I crave silence. I sometimes needed that quiet, alone time. Not necessarily from anyone or anything specific, but I just felt like I needed it. 

Not anymore.

This evening I find myself on the deck, alone, in utter silence, again. It sucks. I will make no bones about it. It just flat out sucks. 

Yesterday we celebrated Fourth of July after a long day. I began the morning with cleaning the interior of my truck, which took a little more than an hour. I then spent two hours hunting for a bull that seems to have magically disappeared from my herd. Next was mowing the lawn so that it would look perfect when friends and family arrived. Then it was time to straighten the inside of the house for guests, shower, then get ready to visit my husband. 

Conner rode with me and we added two more flags to the grave in celebration of Daddy's favorite holiday. I cried yesterday when I talked to him. A lot. Like it was one of those gut wrenching, wailing out loud kind of cries I haven't released in a while. 

Yesterday I became angry with him for the first time. I told him how we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together and he shouldn't have worked so freaking much and always wanted more, and then he would still be here for me. I asked him why he had to leave. 

I told him I suck at doing this on my own. I mean, I lost Ron's bull! Like, how does that happen? My electric fence isn't "hot" everywhere it needs to be; my shed isn't finished; the massive hole in our ceiling (caused by his hand checking for dampness after a leak last year) hasn't been fixed yet; I side swiped the stupid wagon wheel at the front gate last week (which is too close and he knew it and he had even hit it before along with other people--but I had made it all these years until last week) and the body shop was closed for vacation all week; more big payments have come due so I have to yet again take some of the small amount of life insurance to pay them; I mean the list could go on and on. 

So I cried while at the grave. A lot. And I cried on the 10 minute drive back to our home. 

Then I shoveled gravel next to my shed so that the lawn mower would not drag bottom when I put it in the shed for the night. 

Then I began cooking for guests. 

It turned into a bittersweet celebration and I held it together MOST of the evening. I cried when the kids began playing football because we hadn't seen Tristan in a long time and he came. He actually stayed the longest of any guests and for that I am beyond grateful. Conner was absolutely ecstatic to see his brother. I cried when my father-in-law and I went to look for the AWOL bull. I cried when the first big firework exploded because Mike was just like a kid in a candy store when it came to Fourth of July. And I cried toward the end of the show with my niece in my lap and my brother-in-law beside me. I just miss my husband. 

So yesterday was a very busy day and it had no silence. I was glad because I might have lost my cool if it had. 

So today has been spent looking for the bull again (he is still AWOL) and soon I will take the ranger out for the fifth time and hunt some more; cleaning the mess left from last night's events; resting for a short while; and mentally preparing for work. 

The silence I have now is deafening. It is so loud with the emptiness I feel. It screams at me that I'm all alone (and I know I'm NOT really, but Mike and I were so close and shared so much and I'm totally alone on an intimate relationship level). It screams at me that I should have done more for him, with him. The silence is deafening, reminding me of what I had and was so lucky and blessed to have. It yells at me such an ugly reminder of HOW I lost him and that's something my brain won't let me forget. 

So, I hate these nights. I hate the deafening silence. 

I miss him more than words and my soul aches every minute of the day without him. 

I love you baby, NFAxI... And I wish you were on this porch right beside me so the silence wouldn't be so loud. 

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica