I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. I haven't the energy to fight one more fight. Especially not with my child. So, we had a talk. A nice, long talk. I cried. He cried. I hope it affected him like I intended.
Here is what I told him.
"Conner,
We have got to fix us. You and Momma have always been really close and anyone can see that. But son, the last few months since Daddy has been gone you have disrespected me more often than ever before. I don't have your dad to hold over you anymore. I can't say, "Be good, or I'm telling your dad." I can't say, "Look, Mom needs a break and a little bit of mom time, so you need to go spend the day with your dad today." Your attitude needs help and I have a plan to help us both. I want to help you realize what we are here for and I want to help myself make better days for us both.
Let me tell you what I decided today while I was spraying fence rows, moving cows, weed eating, and all that in the hot sun.
Conner, I realized today that Daddy GOT the gift of going to heaven. He wasn't taken from us because we did anything bad. He GOT to leave this place. He gets to rest all day; he doesn't have to work; he isn't sick; he isn't even worried about us. He doesn't know how sad we are. Daddy is ok. He is good.
But you know what else I realized? We GOT to stay here and LIVE, Conner, and that's what we need to do. The other day I wrote to your dad in my blog and I told him that I hope his feet are planted firmly on Heaven's ground when I get to Heaven because I'm coming running!
I told him I can't wait to see him and to get to be with him. And I can't. But you know what I want to be able to do when I get there?
I want to tell Daddy all the good stuff we did when he left. I want to tell Daddy that when he died, we didn't. We didn't sit here and fall apart. I don't want to tell him that when he left you turned on me, Conner. I don't want to tell him that we died when he did and just sat here and were sad and miserable and lived terrible lives when he left. Daddy would feel guilty if I told him that.
So, I want to tell Daddy that I raised you well after he left. I want to tell Daddy that we did so good together and we made it. I want to tell him that we really lived so that we could tell him as much good stuff as we can when we get there.
Conner, I can't do this on my own. I can't argue with you and let you disrespect me. I won't. I'm done.
I want us to want to live. I want us to be happy and fill the days with things that we can tell Daddy when we get to him. I want to be happy again. So, you need to realize that we are here. We have who knows how long left on this earth to live, to make memories, to make choices that will help us tell Daddy good stuff, or bad stuff. Which one do you want to tell him?"
So this was our talk the other night and every bit of it is how I feel. I need to build a life for me and my son that will make my husband proud and happy, not regretful and sorrowful. I can't build memories if we are fighting all the time.
I know that Conner is angry. I am angry. We both have much about which to be angry. We lost the center of our world. Our lives came to a screeching halt in the middle of a December day and nothing has since or ever will be the same. But, that does not mean that it is ok for us to veer off course, to just stop living and stop living well. I want to tell my husband how much we have continued to love him and have honored his memory through good things in our lives.
I can't wait to get to Heaven to see my husband. I can't wait to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss his face until I can't kiss anymore. I can't wait to tell him how well his little boy and I lived just for him. Just so we could share our stories of happiness and successes, of dreams and realities.
Every day is a struggle. I still grit my teeth; I still cry a little bit every day; I still dream of the man I am so deeply in love with; I still hear his voice and miss his touch; I still suffer through so much pain in silence just to protect my child. But, I cannot die. I cannot die emotionally today. I cannot quit. Mike wouldn't want me to. Mike wouldn't let me. He isn't letting me now. Some days I want to, trust me...the desire to just throw my hands up and walk away tugs at my soul often. Just to start all over somewhere else where no one knows what I've been through. But, I won't. That would be quitting.
So, I will live my life the best I know how until I get to see my husband again. I will raise our son with as much respect and faith as I can so that hopefully we end up with a young man who is respected, respectful, and loved, who is kind and selfless, who is a hard worker and a loving man... I will not quit and I am hopeful that I will not fail.
So, until we meet again Babe...I am doing my best. I hope you see that and that you know that. I hope that you feel the love we have all the way to Heaven.
I miss you more than words, but I can't let that stop me from doing what I was doing before you left. The sadness can't overtake me and overtake my role as a mom and a wife. I am still Conner's mom and I am still your wife. I got this, Babe. I'm gonna make you proud. I can't wait to get to Heaven and tell you all about it.
So glad today has been a good day and has put a spark of hope inside my heart. I hope it stays here. I know I will fall down at different times in my life. I know the sadness of losing you will overtake me again and bring me to my knees, but baby I'm gonna pick myself back up when it does so that I can live a life that will make you proud. I'm so glad I had 13 years to be with you. One day the years won't matter, as they won't be counted in numbers. Our time will be limitless.
I love you and miss you baby...NFAxI...
Love,
Veronica
#stillhis
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