The Front Porch...

I find myself sitting right here, just like this, more often now than I ever have before. Before I lost my husband, I hardly ever sat out on the deck. I would every so often, but I was usually preoccupied with house work when it wasn't caught up, editing photos for clients, working on the computer for school or whatever, or engrossed in a movie with Conner. Sometimes it was even "mom's TV time" and I would catch up on my DVR shows. 

Now, I find myself in the chair he bought me for my birthday a couple of years ago, feet propped up, sweet tea beside me, and the need just to be silent. I don't want to talk. I don't want to peruse Facebook or Instagram. I don't want to hear anything but the birds, the frogs, and the cows. I just sit and breathe. 

Usually I feel an ache to retire to the porch when I'm missing Mike the most. I just have to step out of it I guess, just "normal" routines because they are terrible. I think of how stupidly I spent most of my time, other than when it was spent with my family. But my computer time when it wasn't important, my TV time when it wasn't being watched as a family, all that. Stupid. Wasted moments that could have been spent making more treasured memories. 

I find that I often become angry with myself. Why didn't I go to work with him more? Why didn't I tag along to every single outing that I possibly could? Why did I sometimes choose the alone, quiet, "mommy" time instead of spending it with my husband and son together? 

I'm so angry at myself. I miss my husband so much that I sometimes cannot function and I just keep thinking, HOW THE HECK DID WE GET HERE????? HOW did this happen that I am alone???? HOW do I not have the absolute love of my life right next to me????  

HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO I START TO HEAL AND MOVE FORWARD????? Especially when at this moment in time I have no desire to? I hurt so much and so deeply every single day and it doesn't matter what I do to try to fill the hours, this friggin' sadness reaches its nasty claws up my throat every hour of the day. I still have no control over when it's gonna hit. None. 

Today I spent most of the day with my sister. The closer it got to evening the more I was ready to leave and come sit in silence on my porch. Not that I don't absolutely cherish every minute with her and the girls, but because I felt that terrible monster clawing his way up. I drove in silence most of the way home, just listening to a local Christian radio station, K-LOVE. Tears would well with every couple of songs but I was determined not to let them fall because Conner had been doing pretty good all day. I was angry at myself for almost breaking which would have caused

him to break. 

When we arrived home, I cooked dinner for just the two of us...well there is enough to still feed four because that's how I've cooked for 13 years. I haven't learned the art of cooking for two yet. I don't want to. It's stupid. It's stupid that my life is ridiculously unfamiliar and terrible to me. I'm in unchartered territory and I have no idea which way is up or forward. I just see myself on this plane of unrecoverable grief. Sure, I laugh some days...I have a good time some times...but the grief never goes away. It barely slows down long enough for me to have a productive day. 

And you know what else doesn't help? These dadgum Father's Day commercials! Oh my gosh they are everywhere All.Of.The.Time. We cannot escape them. I'm trying my best to just pretend they aren't there but I don't think anyone has any idea how much I dread this coming Sunday. What do I do for my little boy? I'm hopeful that he hasn't paid very close attention and that he is completely oblivious to the holiday. I honestly don't know how to handle it if he's not in that blissful ignorance I hope he is. 

And then you know what all else is approaching that sends me into near panic attacks? The six month mark of his passing; Fourth of July, Mike's favorite holiday; my birthday; our 12th wedding anniversary. They all make me nauseated.

So every day I look around and see where my husband SHOULD be and what he SHOULD be doing. I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get out. 

I'm just trying my best to rely on God and trying my best to be patient with His timing. I WILL see my husband again and I'll no longer have to sit on this huge empty porch in silence alone. Wish I didn't have to. 

And it doesn't matter who comes to visit, no one could sit on this porch with me and make me feel one ounce better. This is Mike's place, where he belongs. How do I accept that it's no longer his place? How do I accept that he is where he belongs? How do I accept that and still be ok?

Hardest thing to learn is how to put one foot in front of the other when your heart has been ripped from your chest. 

I love you so much Michael Richard. I sure hope you can feel it all the way to Heaven. I can't believe you're gone. 

I am Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity #stillhis. 

Love,

Veronica