I
Today I saw my husband everywhere.
It started when I was trying to transfer some of our old home videos to DVD and I actually found an SD card inside the video camera. There was a picture of me he had taken early on. I was lying on the couch with my legs tucked up tight and wearing one of his denim button up shirts. It reminded me of how excited we made each other from day one and even after 13 years. When we first began Mike wanted me to move in with him almost immediately and I wouldn't. I told him I wasn't comfortable just living together.
Well, he wore on me after a while and so in February, only four months into our relationship, I decided to move in with him. He was beyond elated. So, we spent days and nights together on that farm, in that small trailer, and it was perfect. It became our home. We had so much fun in that house and on that farm. I remember one time we shared a 12 pack and spray painted one of his old farm trucks camouflage. We played Mike's CCR CD, laughed, flirted, spray painted each other a little bit, and did a jim-dandy job for our first camo job. :) We would often times just take a ride through the farm, stop on a hillside and make out! ;) We would just kiss and hold each other. That was it. Just kiss for an hour, then snuggle and watch the cows. We would look up at the stars, just talk and share our dreams. I was living a dream. It was perfect.
The picture of me laying on the couch reminded me of how much he loved me and wanted me, even when I thought I was gross. I was young and in the best shape of my life, but my confidence still lacked. Mike tried his hardest to build that confidence. He would leave me notes trailing to the bedroom. He would run me a bubble bath and come take me by the hand to lead me to the bathtub. He just never stopped trying to make me understand that he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
After I discovered the SD card, then Mike was still everywhere today.
The next time I saw Mike today was when I had to go to our rental property. Mike bought the house right before we got married. We did a little work on the house and then when I was 7 months pregnant, we moved in. It was an older, tiny home, but again...we made it ours and lived our dream life together in it for a little more than two years. I had only been back in the house once since we moved out. Today was my only other visit since. I saw myself applying the sunflower wallpaper and border in the kitchen when I was 8 months pregnant. Mike got onto me for doing it by myself, but I was stubborn. I saw the bedroom where we slept and his office that sat right off the bedroom. I remember him sneaking out there to work all hours of the night and I remember when Conner was tiny and he would walk back there to watch "Daddy 'erk" since he couldn't pronounce the W. I saw the memories we made the night my dad and stepmom came for dinner and brought the first Blue Collar Comedy Tour video and I laughed so hard I cried and thought I was going to put myself into labor. I remember Mike smiling so wide.
I saw the first night we brought Conner home and every inch of my body was in pain and I was beyond exhausted. I began crying the millionth time Conner woke and wanted to eat and begged Mike to take him for 15 minutes to let me rest. It lasted all of 3 minutes because I couldn't lay there without my baby boy, so daddy brought him back to me and cradled him into my arms. I remember Conner's first Easter egg hunt and how excited I was when he found his first egg. I remember Conner's first sled ride when daddy sat our baby boy all snuggled up for warmth into the sled and pulled him around. I remember the night we sat at the kitchen table and decided on our son's middle name. I saw us everywhere in that house today. Luckily I was only there a few minutes or it probably would have knocked the wind out of me and sent me to my knees right in the middle of the kitchen.
My next view of Mike came this evening when I went to a different part of the farm with our friend to bring a tractor and bush hog down the hill. When we came to the top of a hill where the tractor was parked, I looked over the hillside and missed my husband so much in that one moment that I did have to stop and catch my breath. I saw all the work he had done over the years. I remember the hillside he burned one year and we made a massive bonfire in the bottom where the hill sunk into the valley. Mike loved making fires and roasting hot dogs. Didn't matter where. Didn't matter when. We have built fires in every season and on every piece of property we own. I remembered all the times I rode with him over the years to check cows and feed them. We usually had the radio on, me sitting next to him and Conner by the door, or in later years, Conner following on the four wheeler. Mike's hand would rest on my left thigh and my left hand would rest on his right. He would stop every so often, look over God's beauty, then look at me. He would tell me how beautiful I was no matter if I had a hat on and no makeup, or had literally just changed clothes from church so still had makeup and fixed hair. We would go back to the time when we lived at our old farm and would just sit and kiss, to Conner's disgust by the way. :)
I am tired of only "seeing" my husband and not really getting to have him. I am tired of being so sad because he isn't here. I am tired of the estate and probate ridiculousness. I am tired of not sleeping. I am tired of the dreams that make my stomach hurt. I am tired of the breaths that I sometimes can't take because I can't breathe when it hits me. I am tired of the waves that wash over me with no warning. I am tired of sleeping on his side of the bed and Conner sleeping on mine. I am tired of seeing his last work clothes packed into a Ziplock bag in the closet. I am tired of not hearing his voice. I am tired of trying to keep my crap together. I am tired of working so hard on this farm. I am tired of feeling guilty because I didn't work as hard on the farm while he was here. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being a widow.
I want my husband back and I want our dreams back. I want to sit in the field with him and watch the cows, hold his hand, and spend an hour doing nothing but kissing. I want to lay beside him in our bed. I want to find notes that start on the sliding glass door and lead me to him. I want to laugh with him and cry with him, share secrets with him and dreams with him. I want my life back.
I know it can't happen, but I'm not ready to accept that yet.
I love you and miss you always baby. Thank you so much for the 13 years that you gave me. From that perfect phone call on Thursday, October 18, 2001 at 5:40 p.m. you were my perfect life. I can't believe it's over. And I cannot wait until I see you again. I will always be yours and you will always be mine. No matter what. Nothing will ever change that.
He was mine and I was his. I'll never stop and that will never change. I will Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity be #stillhis.
Love,
Veronica
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