Father's Day...

I'm posting this today because Lord only knows how I'm gonna make it through tomorrow while trying my best to distract our son and keep him blissfully unaware as to what tomorrow is. 

I am posting from our bedroom floor as I just sent Conner and a friend outside to play before I weed eat and mow. I am so sick to my stomach and have found my hands trembling these last few days in dreaded anticipation for tomorrow. 

I wasn't there to see Mike's face light up when his first son Tristan was born. I only have pictures that Mike had. I am glad that Tristan has a mom and family who love him and are there for him through every step of his life, but I wish I had been there for it all as well. I was there from almost 5 years old and on, and I loved watching every moment between Tristan and Mike. They used to build a fire in the field, pick up sticks and roast hot dogs over the open flame. Tristan would climb into Mike's lap and tell stories a mile a minute. Mike tried his best to go to as many basketball and baseball games as he could over the years but Tristan's senior year, he succeeded in making almost all of them. I even convinced him to attend State Cross Country and he was so proud when Tristan crossed the finish line. I sent him to find him and make sure he was ok after the run and Mike was so insanely proud. We had attended every single basketball game of the season Mike was here for senior year, even the Christmas tournament we had never attended. We used to take Tristan camping and Mike always made sure no matter where we were, he prepared Tristan's warm chocolate milk sippy cup before bed. Mike made 100% sure we were real and ready before he ever introduced me to Tristan. Since Tristan didn't live with us, Mike may have had more days with Conner but he tried his very best and hardest to have as many days with Tristan as he could. He would have loved for Tristan to live with us had circumstances allowed, but they didn't. So, special nights on a pallet in the living room floor, movies like Monsters, Inc., hot dog roasts in the field, wrestling matches in the floor, camping trips and boat rides, and picking toys from Wal-Mart every time we went were just a few of the many things I watched Mike do for Tristan when he was a tiny boy. For Tristan's 18th birthday, Mike had purchased tickets to an NBA game the night before his passing that would have been a perfect trip for just the two of them. I sure wish they had been able to go.

When our son Conner was born, I did get to see that look on Mike's face. The look of pure pride and joy. Conner was Mike's "mini-me", no joke! He looks like him, acts like him, dresses like him, and talks like him. Conner would follow daddy anywhere, and we often had to because Conner would constantly ask for him. Conner and Mike had lots of adventures together, some of which I was unaware until Mike's passing and then some of these adventures leaked out! Totally wasn't supposed to let Mom know...one of those stories it seems everyone knew but me! Tristan, Matt, Ronda, my mom...you name it! ;) Mike continued his traditions with Conner like he had with Tristan. Mike didn't make it to as many of Conner's games as he did to Tristan's, but he showed up when he could. Mike helped assuage Conner's fears the first time he had to have stitches (I'm hoping it's the last time too!); he would rock him to sleep at night when I needed to rest; he would sing to him when he thought I wasn't listening; he would tell him all about girls and how Conner needs to pick one like momma. There is so much more but I haven't the strength to relive it all. 

My most favorite moments between Mike and his boys were the ones we all four spent together. I have so many memories of the amazing man Mike was, and he tried his best to create wonderful memories for all of us. I know I will cherish them forever. 

I almost feel like Conner is the one who was cheated the most in this terrible tragedy. Tristan had 18 years with his dad; I had 13 years with my husband; but Conner...he was only given 10. I don't know how I'm going to be a dad and a mom for the rest of his life. Many days I feel like a failure and wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder if I've loved him enough each day that he feels both of us around him. I hear him talking to his dad at night, after we've said our prayers. Conner talks in whispers and I'll ask what he's doing. "Talkin' to Dad," he'll answer. I sure wish he could talk back. 

Babe, 

We hope your Father's Day in Heaven is spent laughing and talking with your dad. I know you missed him and spent too many years without him. I'm sure you're catching up every day, telling your dad all about the grandsons and daughter in law he never got to meet. 

I hope you know we are not ignoring you tomorrow, but this first Father's Day without you is rocking me to the core. I need to protect our little boy as best I can. So please don't think we miss you any less and are "ok" if we don't come to the grave tomorrow. We will come Monday, but I'll tell Conner it's just because, and not because it's your day. My gosh how am I gonna keep doing this baby? How am I gonna raise our boy without you and your guidance? 

I miss you so much it is ridiculous and I know our little boy does too because I see it everyday in his eyes, in the times he goes and just sits in your office, in the times I hear him listening to your songs the two of you shared. He worshipped the ground you walked on and still does. 

He wrote something for you a while ago. He doesn't know I'm sharing it in my blog, but I am so incredibly proud of him and heartbroken for him all in the same second. He loves you so much. Here is what he wrote:

If ever a father was a hero to his son, baby you fit the picture. And you were my hero too. 

So, please have a Happy Father's Day tomorrow in Heaven and know our hearts are aching to spend it with you, but I have to keep him occupied and smiling and unaware of the day or I know it will be terrible for him. 

I love you and I miss you with every fiber of my existence. You were our rock and you are the best dad and husband I've ever known. 

Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica